An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 18: The Cave


Okay, you can trust that the Quran is from God and a perfect book because it says so.

It’s a valuable book because it warns the heathen that they’re going to be punished and the righteous will be rewarded.

And to warn Christians that they’re wrong. God doesn’t have a son. How could they know that God has a Son? Well, how could you know that God doesn’t have a son?

The All-Knowing, Omniscient God made the Earth and the stuff on it as a testing ground for humanity to see which of us is the best.

Hey, guys, did you know that the people of the cave were God’s doing? There was a local legend among Christian at the time that seven young men from Ephesus fled persecution and hid in a cave and asked God for refuge, so God put them to sleep for 300 or 309 years for some reason. Mohammed is referencing this local legend and claiming it’s authentic.

So the kids sleep for 300 years, while their dog watches over them. And then they wake up. One of them goes off to the local town to buy food and is discovered because of his ancient money and then the whole lot of them dies shortly thereafter and the town builds them a shrine.

Mohammed has heard different versions of the legend and the number of the sleepers vary, so he says that God knows how many people He put to sleep and then killed shortly thereafter for.. reasons….

Also, don’t say “I will do this tomorrow” without adding “If the Lord wills.” He’s cribbing from James.

The guilty go to hell and drink boiling water. The righteous get a nice garden with green silk robes and gold bracelets.

Then Mohammed shifts and tells the story of two vineyard owners. God blesses them both with good crops, then he divides them by a river. One of the guys boasts that he’s richer than the other, and his fellow tells him to be humble and give credit to God because God might just decide to wipe him out tomorrow and that’s what God does. So the formerly rich fellow is miserable now and just wishes he had followed God.

Which is why the wicked never prosper.

Mohammed seems to recognize that not all of the righteous have good things, so he quickly says, “Yeah, being rich is really cool and all, but good deeds are better.”

Then we get the story of how Satan refused to bow down to Adam. This is like Mohammed’s favorite story, I guess.

Mohammed asks what prevented people from accepting faith and seeking God’s forgiveness?

A lack of evidence. The problem of evil. Modern science which explains the world perfectly without the need for a deity… why God doesn’t just show up and prove that he exists instead of relying on people who died hundreds of years ago…

And now we get a story of Moses meeting another man of God. Moses says, “Hey, let’s hang out and maybe I can learn something from you.”

The man of God says, “Yeah, you won’t be able to tolerate what I’m going to do.”

So they take a boat and the man of God punches a hole in it. Moses says, “Hey, dude, what the heck? You just ruined the boat.”

“Yeah, I knew you couldn’t hang with me.”

“Alright. Alright. Fine.”

Then they find a boy by the river. The man of God hops out of the boat and murders the boy.

Moses says, “Dude! Seriously? You just committed murder. That’s like one of the top ten No-nos that God handed to me.”

“Yeah, I knew you couldn’t hang with me.”

“Fine. I’ll keep quiet or you can leave me behind.”

So they reach a city and the people of the city refuse them hospitality. But the man of God sees a spot in their wall that needs fixing, so he fixes it.

“Maybe you should have charged them money for that,” Moses said.

“That’s it. I’m leaving you. But I’m going to tell you why I did what I did. Our boat belonged to some poor people and the king was going around seizing boats, so I drilled a hole in their boat and ruined it so the king couldn’t take it and presumably the poor people can patch the boat later.”

“Couldn’t the king just patch it too?”

“Uh… oh, and the boy I murdered. He was going to cause his parents to doubt God, so I had to kill him. You know, don’t worry about it. God will give them better kids.”

“Okay, you are seriously psychotic.”

“And the wall, I repaired, well… two orphans have a treasure hid there, and I wanted them to be able to get to it later.”

“Okay, that is literally the first decent thing you’ve said.”

And then there was this other guy, Zul-Qarnain who wandered around and built a wall of iron to keep Gog and Magog out.

Unbelievers are going to hell and believers are going to heaven.

I’ve changed my mind. Hell is Mohammed’s favorite story.

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