An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 19: Mary


“Hey, Lord, I’m old… like super old,” said Zachariah. “And my wife is barren… definitely all her fault, all of my stuff is strong like bull…all her fault because… vagina…. Anyway, can you grant me a son?”

“Uh… sure. Sure. No problem.”

“How will I have a son since I’m old and my wife is barren?”

“You just… you just prayed to me and okay, seriously? You don’t understand how this whole God thing works?”

“Give me a sign, Lord!”

“I’m literally speaking right to you. Something I do maybe to .00000000000000001% of the entire human population.”

“Got anything else?”

“Fine, you won’t be able to talk for three days,” God said.

“Oh, you’re a nicer fellow then that other God who told me I couldn’t speak until the baby was circumcised.”

“Yeah, well, Mohammed doesn’t really remember the story that well, so three days it is.”

And Zachariah’s wife Elizabeth gives birth to John.

Then Mary goes off to be by herself and this really perfect guy just shows up.

“I’m God’s messenger to give you the gift of a pure son.”

Does that line work? Because if that line works, I’m totally going to use it if I ever find myself on the dating scene again.

“I’ve a virgin…” she says and starts untying her robe.

“No, no, wait… it’s a supernatural pregnancy… not like that.”

“Oh,” she said disappointed.

So she goes off to the wilderness to give birth.

“That’s not how the story goes.”

What?

“She goes to Bethlehem with Joseph and gives birth to Jesus in a stable.”

No, she doesn’t.

“Yeah, she does. That’s the Christmas story.”

Well, it’s not my Christmas story. So there. Mary goes off to the wilderness and goes into labor. And she’s miserable and God opens a stream between her legs and seriously? We’re… uh… we’re going with that particular imagery? Whew… okay then…

God opens a stream between her legs and she drinks… yeah… and God gives the palm tree she’s leaning on a shake and Mary eats a few dates.

But then she brings baby Jesus back to her hometown and everyone is like, “Hey, Mary, why are you being such a whore?”

Mary points to Jesus and they say, “What? He can’t talk yet.”

And then Baby Jesus talks.

Yes. BABY JESUS TALKS! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Baby Jesus says, “Yeah, I’m a prophet, I’m blessed and I’m going to be nice to my mom.”

But he was definitely not God’s son. And all of you Christians are wrong and Jesus was so too birthed by a palm tree in the desert! It’s my story. Mine.

Abraham tells his dad that his gods suck.  His dad says, “Look, kid, if you don’t be nice to my gods, I’m going to have to kill you.”

“Fine, DAD! I’M LEAVING!”

“Yeah, that’s not right either. According to the Torah, Terah stayed with Abraham. He set out for the land of Canaan with his son, but died along the way.”

MY STORY! You know you’re just making this longer.

“Okay, okay, you win.”

Have I mentioned Moses?

“YES! YES, YOU HAVE! DEAR SWEET JESUS, YES!”

Okay, okay… and there was Aaron and Enoch and Ishmael…  they were all prophets who had the words of God, but you guys messed it all up.

And then the rest of this surah is about how all of the unbelievers will realize just how wrong they were and how right Mohammed was when they die and get resurrected and get set on fire forever and have to drink boiling water. And we’ll all be sorry because we didn’t believe Mohammed.

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