Ta-Ha… what does it mean? Why did Mohammed put it here? Do I care enough to Google this?
I do not.
Mohammed swears he did not write this painfully dull book to make me suffer. Intentionally or not, it is making me suffer, Mo. It is.
Have you heard the story of Moses?
Yes. YES. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop repeating yourself. Geez, Lord… I know you’re big into self-publishing, but find an editor.
Well, I’m going to tell it to you again.
“I see fire, I’m going to go find the fire.”
“Wouldn’t it be wiser not to run into a wild fire?”
“Well, yeah, but… uh… maybe I can bring you a torch?”
“We have campfires every day. This isn’t like caveman times, Moses.”
“Look, I’m going to go talk to the fire. Just… get on board with it.”
“Hey, Moses, turns out I’m God.”
“Finally! You’re finally here to tell me to go back to Egypt and liberate the Jews!”
“No, none of that. Just, uh… you know, be a good Muslim, the end is coming.”
“What about the Jews?”
“Oh, uh… well, this is the Quran… so I’m not really big on the Jews, but sure… you go ahead and punish Pharaoh for me. He’s a bad sinner. And if the Jews happen to get free… well, there’ll be plenty of time for me to kill them later.”
“I’m scared. Could you make me feel not scared? Maybe send Aaron with me?”
“Sure, take your brother. Remember when I had your family lock you in a chest and throw you in the river?”
“It was a basket made of reeds, but sure.”
“That was cool, huh?”
“Yeah, Lord, that sure was cool.”
“Oh, hi, Moses. What did you want?”
“We’re the messengers of the Lord. Let Israel go.”
“Who is this ‘Lord’?”
“The maker of everything.”
“What about the first generations?”
“Yeah, I don’t know. You’d have to ask God. He’s got a book.”
“Wow. Convincing. Okay, show me your God magic.”
“Staff into snake!”
“It’s a snake… still not impressed. My magicians know that trick too.”
So the magicians do the same, but Moses’ snake eats their snakes and this somehow convinces them that Moses is right about Islam being the one true faith.”
Pharaoh gets pissed off and orders them to be maimed and crucified. The magicians respond that they know that Pharaoh will get what’s what and they’ll head off to the magical God garden that awaits good Muslims.
Then Mohammed seems to mix up the story and has the people make the golden calf while they’re walking through the parted Red Sea or just after the finished walking through the parted Red Sea and everyone blames someone called the Samarian instead of Aaron.
Then Moses comes back and gets mad at the people and he exiles the Samarian, which is much nicer than the bloodshed he actually did in Exodus and goes on a long rant about the End of Days and how God is really going to make you sorry for not believing in Him.
And sure, let’s revisit how Satan didn’t want to bow down to Adam.
God is with us because we sure killed a lot of people.
People who ask for proof of this are just bad people who don’t believe the impossible things the other holy books contain.