An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 21: The Prophets


Sigh… we’re going to talk about Moses again, aren’t we? It’s called “The Prophets” and we’re going to talk about Moses, right?

So it starts out with Mohammed telling us that the world is coming to an end soon. Which, okay, his idea of “soon” is only 1400+ years now, while the Christian view of “soon” is 2,000 years, but still.

Anyway, the world is coming to an end, but we just all won’t convert to Islam, because we refuse to believe Mohammed is anything more than a man leading a pack of raiders in the desert.

“But I am a prophet!” he says.

“You’re just making this up,” we reply. “You know what would help us believe? If you actually showed us some proof.”

“What about all those towns that were destroyed?” he replies.

“That’s not proof. That’s just genocide. Humans do that to each other all the time.”

Well, ask the smart people! They’ll tell you the prophets really spoke to God!

“Human knowledge has advanced significantly in the last 1400 years. The smart people disagree with you now.”

Mohammed writes that God sent us this book and God has killed a lot of people in the past for not being Muslim. That’s proof, right?

“No.”

If people worship gods, ask them for proof! That’ll show them!

“Irony. Look it up.”

God’s prophets will all be monotheists. If you claim to be God, God will throw you into hell.

“Do you not see that the heavens and earth were one mass and we tore them apart?”

That’s not how the world was made. The world was made by aggregation of particles circling our star colliding together over hundreds of millions of years.

“And from water we made every living thing!”

Well, if by “made” you mean every living thing evolved via natural selection and beneficial mutations from a common ancestor that probably started in a lake or puddle, then sure.

“And We placed on earth stabilizers, lest it sways with them…”

It’s important to add stabilizers to your planets so they don’t shake while they’re floating around in space, you know?

6th century geology, everyone.

Okay, looking it up, the idea is that stabilizers means mountains. And somehow mountains keep the Earth from shaking, even though mountains are the place where two tectonic plates have collided making them the very epicenters of many earthquakes.

“And We made the sky a protected ceiling…”

“No, you didn’t!” said the dinosaurs.

“It is He who created the night and the day, and the sun and the moon; each floating in an orbit.”

You’d think God would know that the sun doesn’t orbit the Earth.

“Yeah, well, everyone is going to die and you’re going to burn in hell forever for making fun of me.”

Yep. That’s what he says.

Now we get to Moses, but surprisingly, it’s gone just as fast and now we move to Abraham. Again. It’s the story of Abraham rejecting his dad’s gods. Abraham decides to destroy the town idols except the biggest ones and everyone gets upset at him.

“Hey, did you destroy our gods?”

“No, the big idol did it! Ask him. He’ll tell you.”

“Okay, ‘hey-‘ wait a minute. Idols don’t talk.”

So instead of saying, “Okay, ‘Hey God! Can’t you come and talk to us for a minute?’” they decide to burn Abraham, but God makes the fire cold. God delivers Abraham and Lot to Canaan. And we gave him Isaac and Jacob and they were good Muslims too!”

“What about that verse in Genesis where Jacob tells his family to get rid of their idols? That means his family had idols and were worshipping them, doesn’t it?”

What about David and Solomon?

“David murdered a lot of people and Solomon’s downfall was specifically blamed on idolatry.”

No, no Solomon could control the weather and he had demons that served him. Also, we answered Job, didn’t we?

“No. That’s sort of the point of the book. You never answered Job. You just told him that he should shut up with his complaining about his misery because he’s not God.”

We go through a list of more ‘prophets’ including Mary and Jesus and Mohammed really wants you to know that idolaters will go to hell. But all the good Muslims will have no fear when the Earth ends.

But that’s still not enough for us losers demanding proof. So we ask, “Yeah, it’s been 1400 years, bro, I don’t think the apocalypse is coming.”

Oh, but it is! Maybe God is just testing you!

“There’s a statute of limitations on prophetic utterings, I think. And it’s less than 1400 years.”

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