An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 22: The Pilgrimage

Okay, we start out with Judgement Day. Be grateful it’s not the story of Moses again. Small victories, people. Small victories.

On Judgement Day, women will ditch their kids, all the pregnant girls will spontaneously miscarry, and everyone will look drunk even though they’re not drunk.

If you think you can use logic and reason to determine what God is like, then God’s going to set you on fire forever. You have to blindly follow a holy book. God gave you a brain, but he does NOT want you to use it.

Also, God made man with dust and celestial sperm.

Seriously, don’t use your brain to try to figure out God. That’s really evil. You have to blindly follow a holy book.

And God doesn’t want any complainers. When bad things happen to you, you best say, “Thank you, Lord, may I have another?” or God will be very cross with you.

Good Muslims get nice gardens. You’ve heard this already.

If you don’t think God will help you out now and in the afterlife, then you’re dumb.

God’s going to judge between the good Muslims and all the other religions out there. Everything has to bow to God. Many of us deserve to be set on fire forever. But God does whatever He wants to do.

If you go to hell, you get to wear fire for clothes and boiling hot showers. And if you try to get out, God or angels or someone forces you back inside.

So God shows Abraham the one spot on Earth that He REALLY loves, which is the Kaaba. And Abraham builds the mosque there. And God tells Abraham what all of the good Muslims should do when they visit the site on pilgrimage. And everyone is supposed to do this and celebrate because God gave them livestock.

God fights for the believers, which is why so many of them live in poverty and die horrible deaths throughout history. And if people don’t like you for your religion, well, God can kill them all like he’s killed so many before.

Unbelievers are under Satan’s thrall. You can know the truth of what you believe because I said God said it.

If you die a martyr, God will give you the best stuff in the afterlife.

Don’t listen to that hippie Jesus, seriously, an eye for an eye. God’s still down with that.

Can’t you see the proof of God by rain? (No. That’s the water cycle.)

What about boats? Huh? (We built the boats, Mohammed.)

How about how God holds up the sky so it doesn’t fall? (I… I can’t even…)

And we get more about believers and unbelievers and wrap things up by remembering how Abraham came up with the word Muslims first. Because it’s in this book. Which is totes from God. Because the book says it is.


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