An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 23: The Believers


If you’re a Muslim, you’ll be successful. Well… if you’re a Muslim and born into the Saudi royal family and you’re not taken out by one of your siblings, you’ll be successful.

Oh, but you have to pray, avoid nonsense, be charitable, and be chaste. But you can have sex with your wives and…

Your dependents?

Are we talking about slaves? Daughters? Step-daughters? Adopted daughters? Because all of those options are really freakin’ wrong, dude…

But if you’re not satisfied with that stuff, then you’re a sinner.

You have to keep your word.

Then God says he made humanity from a lump of dust and kept working on us until we were humans. But we’re going to die. But then we’re going to be resurrected!

Kind of makes you wonder why we have to die, if you’re just going to bring us right back to life again.

“Nice food you have there,” God says, “It’d be a shame if I had to create a famine.”

So we get the story of Noah again.

“Hey, God, no one believes me.”

“Go ahead and build an ark for you and your family. Everyone else deserves to drown. Even the kids and the babies. Oh, and while you’re watching infants drown from the safety of the ark, make sure you tell me how great and merciful I am.”

So then the omniscient God lets another generation of humanity arise, but they reject him too, so they die from “the Blast” and turn to scum.

The omniscient God keeps repeating this process of letting humanity flourish, then sending them a messenger to tell them to worship him, then killing everyone when they say, “No. This guy’s full of crap.”

And now we get the story of Moses again.

Yes, Moses… again.

Then we jump to Jesus. I’m starting to think that Mohammed believed that the bible jumped from Exodus to Matthew. But anyway Jesus appears, but then all of the Christians start bickering and forming their own denominations and sects and we all know that’s never happened to Muslims. Nope. Not. At. All.

And Christians shouldn’t be too happy with wealth, because God’s going to reward the cowering righteous with good stuff…

And God never made life more miserable for people than they could stand. Yeah, think about that claim and the history of the world for a second.

And sure God could help the suffering, but they’d still be miserable filthy sinners, so He won’t.

And calling back to the Torah, God beats us for our own good, people. He just loves us that much.

Seriously, Christians, God doesn’t have a son, otherwise He would grow up and want to be top God.

And then we get some more “Haw-haw” fantasies from Mohammed about how all of the unbelievers will be lashed with fire and be forced by God to say that Mohammed was right about everything and they only wish they could go back and become his followers too, but it’s too late.

Because God is the best at mercy.

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