An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 24: The Light


In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful, whip adulterers and adulteresses one hundred times.

Also, they can’t marry good people anymore, only other adulterers.

If someone accuses a virgin of adultery, but can’t provide four witnesses, whip him eighty times and he can never give testimony in court again, unless he repents.

But if you accuse your own wife of adultery, you don’t need four witnesses. Your word will suffice if you swear five times and call down the wrath of God upon you if you’re lying.

But your wife can swear five times that you’re a liar and call down God’s wrath on her if she’s lying and nothing will happen to her.

Apparently, there was a group of Muslims that accused another group of Muslims of doing bad things and Mohammed wants to know why everyone believed them and didn’t ask for four witnesses. So Mo says that God would have totally punished them all severely for repeating gossip and slander if he wasn’t so nice and to never do that again.

And don’t be obscene or immoral. Rich people should provide for their families, the poor, and the immigrants.

Seriously, don’t talk badly about good Muslim women or else.

Guys, this should go without saying, but don’t just walk into other people’s homes. Knock first and ask permission. And… and… if they’re not home, you still can’t just walk in. You need permission first.  Unless the home has something in it that belongs to you, then you can barge right in.

Men? Again, this shouldn’t have to be said, but you can’t walk around naked. Put some clothes on.

Women? You too. A LOT of clothes. Like… all the clothes. The only people who should see you are your owners and close relatives.

Only marry single people.

Unless you’re poor. Then you have to wait until you can afford to buy a wife.

If your slave wants to be free, then set him free and pay him if you want to. If you don’t want to, then it sucks to be him, right?

Don’t make your daughters prostitutes if they don’t want to be.

God is like a light. It’s on a stand and it’s surrounded by glass

And we’re back to talking about how great things will be for good Muslims and how much everything will suck for unbelievers.

Rain and sunrises and sunsets are all God. Definitely not natural phenomenon that would happen because of natural forces.

If you obey God and His messenger… me… then you’re a good Muslim and good things await you. Seriously, obey God and me, of course, who will tell you what God says. You can totally trust me on this one. It’s God talking to me, not just me ordering you around.

You can mingle with servants and little children, except for morning prayers, at noon when you change clothes, and at evening prayers. Then they have to ask permission to hang out with you.

Actually, you know what? Even when the kids hit puberty, they still have to ask permission. Mohammed might need some alone time from his kids, alright?

And don’t talk to me like you talk to each other. And seriously, if you don’t obey me, something bad is going to happen to you.

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