An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 25: the Criterion


God totally sent me with the standard by which men will be judged.

Also, Christians, you’re wrong. God doesn’t have a son.

But anyone who tells me I’m wrong or demands actual evidence that God is talking to me will be going to hell.

And then they’ll say, “Please kill us, Mohammed!”

And I’ll look down upon them and say, “No. Don’t you wish now you listened to me and had your own kickass garden?”

God is also pretty pissed off that people keep asking for proof of his existence.

And there’s another 20 or so verses about Mohammed’s revenge fantasy.

Then he’s got to mention Moses again. And Noah and how God drowned everyone on Earth including babies because He’s super merciful. Like, the best at mercy. So good at mercy.

And Mohammed is pretty pissed off that people make fun of him.

If God wanted to, he could totally make the shadows stand still. He just doesn’t want to right now.

God’s pretty peeved again that no one thanks him enough.

Strive with unbelievers with a mighty struggle. I’ll leave that open to your personal interpretation on whether or not that’s a call to violence.

And good Muslims are supposed to great people by saying, “Peace.” They’ve got to pray. God also wants them to beg him not to send them to hell.  Be moderate in their spending. Don’t worship other gods, don’t murder (except in the pursuit of Justice… which leaves a lot open to interpretation.) I mean, I like how all of the religions seem to have massive loopholes when it comes to “Thou shalt not kill.”

And don’t commit adultery.

And praying. A lot of praying. Apparently God is very lonely and needs you to talk to him a lot or else he’ll get passive aggressive on you and say, “Oh, who is this? Huh? You never called. You never wrote and now you think you know me?”

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