An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 26: The Poets


We open up with some nonsense words because that’s always helpful in a message from God.

Mohammed is bummed because not everyone believes him, but God promises that if God wants to, God could send a great sign from heaven to convince them, but he refuses to do so and promises Mohammed instead that they’ll really regret it when they go to hell.

Have you heard about Moses?

You have? Fifty three times already in this book? Well, I’m going to tell you about Moses again.

Yeah, God tells Moe to go to Egypt, but Moe says no and Jesus… we’re really giving up another 60 verses to retelling this again? It’s like Mohammed is a high schooler trying to pad out an essay with copy and paste.

“Maybe if we adjust the margins again…”

“Mohammed, the margins are already like 3 inches on every side.”

“Maybe another quarter inch?”

And then we go back to ABRAHAM… again.

Abe: Hey, guys, it’s really stupid to worship a god who doesn’t answer you when you pray or help you or-

“Hey, Mohammed?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you REALLY sure I should write that in this book?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, uh… no reason.”

Abe: And it would be REALLY stupid to worship a god just because your fathers and their fathers did too-

“You’re really not seeing this, Mohammed?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing…”

We spend some time with Mohammed’s favorite revenge fantasy where we’re all be sorry we didn’t listen to him when God roasts us alive forever in hell.

God is the most merciful.

And because Mohammed knows like three bible stories, we move on to Noah.

Noah: Hey, you guys, God is like super angry about the makeup and the picking the wrong religion and he’s going to drown you.

People: That’s crazy, Noah. What kind of a loving, merciful, just God would destroy the entire world including animals and infants instead of coming down and speaking to all of us instead of just one crazy guy building a boat on dry land?

God: Hi, guys!

And the story of Aad. God sends a messenger to them. They reject him. God destroys the town.

And Thamood. Where God sends a messenger and his special She-camel.

“Guys, God sent this very special She-Camel that he really loves and you guys better not hurt her or God’s going to be very upset.”

“Dude, we’re totally going to kill her. Why would God send her to us knowing that? Seems like maybe he just wants to get rid of a pet.”

And we move on to Lot.

Lot: Hey, you guys… stop… doing butt stuff with each other.

But they wouldn’t stop being gay, so God killed everyone but righteous Lot who went to a cave and fucked his daughters.

God tries this whole sending one crazy guy to convince everyone to stop being jerks one more time with the People of the Woods. But once again, it doesn’t work out, so God kills them too.

Because he is so merciful.

And poets are apparently minions of the devil. Good to know.

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