Believers go to heaven. Unbelievers go to hell.
Hey, kids. Do you want to hear the story of Moses again? Well, fuck you, we’re hearing it again.
Moses meets God in a fire. God teaches him some magic tricks and sends him off to Pharaoh. But Pharaoh says no and oh, my God…. Do we really have to hear this again?
Fortunately, Mohammed cuts it short and moves on to David and Solomon. God gave them super knowledge and Solomon learns how to talk to birds. Also Solomon has an army of demons, men, and birds at his command. And he takes this supernatural army down to a valley to go fight some ants. Yes, ants.
But they’re talking ants. And one of the talking ants says, “Hey, guys we better go down underground before Solomon’s army steps on us all.”
Solomon laughs at this and is happy that his bird demon army has frightened the talking ants into retreating.
No, I am not making this shit up. That’s what it says. Go read it for yourself if you don’t believe me.
See? Bird and demon army. Talking ants.
But Solomon notices that one bird, the hoopoe, isn’t there. So Solomon freaks the fuck out and promises severe retribution to a bird for not showing up for his military review of the BIRD ARMY.
But the hoopoe shows up and says, “Yeah, Dude, I’ve been spying on the Queen of Sheba and do you know that they don’t worship our tribal god YHWH?”
Solomon says, “Yeah, that cannot stand. Take this letter to her and demand that she convert to Islam and be submissive to me.”
The bird delivers the letter and really, did you need a letter? I may not be an African queen from 3000 years ago, but if a talking bird appeared and told me to convert, I’d do it.
But she says, “Hey, what should I do? Maybe I’ll give him a gift of gold.”
Solomon, however, is a dick, “My gold is better than your gold because of Islam. Let’s take the army and kill the heathen dogs!”
But before they get there, Solomon summons some demons and asks them to go steal the Queen’s throne and bring it to him. So the Queen comes and finds her throne there, but that doesn’t quite convince her to convert to Islam and be Solomon’s sub, so Solomon takes her to his palace and shows her a glass floor which she thinks is a large pond, so she hikes up her skirt and then decides to convert and become Solomon’s sub.
A reflective glass floor in his palace? Yeah, Solomon is a giant perv.
But as interesting as this is, we’ve got to hear about Thamood again.
Saleh comes and tells them to convert, but they say, “No.” And nine of them decide to kill Saleh. But Indy showed up and kicked their asses.
Okay, God kills them all and destroys the city.
And Lot said to his people, “Hey, you guys, stop being so gay. With the gayness and the butt sex.”
But they said, “Dude, if you don’t like our Pride Parades, you can just leave town.”
And then God murdered everyone.
So go out and tell everyone how God makes it rain and builds gardens. Can you make a garden? You can? Well, who divided the two seas?
Yeah. Two seas. Geography was not Mohammed’s strong suit.
Or, who answers the one in need when he prays to Him, and relieves adversity, and makes you successors on earth?’’
I don’t know. How about all of the suffering children who pray to God and die anyway?
And then we get more of how unbelievers will realize Mohammed was right when God comes to kill us all and throw us into hell, but then it’ll be too late.
Also the existence of night and day somehow proves that God exists and Mohammed is right because… reasons. Very good reasons. Yeah…