An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 28: History


Have you heard the story of Moses?

Pharaoh, Hebrew slaves, Moses getting cast into the river and rescued by Pharaoh’s… well, it should be daughter, but Mohammed screws up that detail and says ‘wife’ instead.

He also says God prevented Moses from breastfeeding so Pharaoh’s daughter would have to find a wet nurse. I don’t think Mohammed understands that women don’t usually lactate until they’ve given birth.

So one day Moses murders an Egyptian and he says, “The devil made me do it, please forgive me, Lord.”

So God forgave him because murder ain’t no thang, yo.

So Moses is walking around and is about to murder another guy, when that guy calls him a murderer, and another guy says, “The police are looking for you. You better run.”

And Jesus, why do we have to recap this fucking story every Surah?

Moses meets his future wife and her sisters (Mohammed gets the number of sisters wrong too.) He helps them out and they invite him home and their father gives one of the daughters to Moses to marry.

Burning bush time.

Moses goes back to Egypt and God kills everyone.

God gives Moses the Torah.

And then he’s talking about the people of Median and if people don’t believe the Quran, you just tell them to write their own holy book then.

And if someone says, I would be a Muslim, but I might suffer for it, then you say, “Hey, how many infidels have we killed and how many of their cities have we burned down? Join the winning team, dude.”

And then Mohammed goes back to his favorite judgment day revenge fantasy.

And if they doubt, say, “Hey, can any other god bring you day and night?”

Yes. Literally all of them, because it’s not a God that does that, it’s the rotation of the Earth. You’re supposed to be God, you should know this.

Now we’re on to a story about Moses’ jerkass relative who was super rich, but a jerk ass, and God killed him and everyone realized that it’s better to be poor and godly than rich. Yes, Abdul, I am looking at you. Stop complaining about marching through the desert killing people and burning towns. It is not my fault you don’t get the best loot.

Stay away from idols. Except for Billy. He’s cool.

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