An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 29: The Spider


The omniscient God needs to test you to see if you really believe in him. But God is All-Knowing.

Sure you should obey your parents, but not if they tell you that Mohammed is full of crap.

If you can’t still be happy with God when things are crappy, then God won’t like you.

Hey, it’s Noah again…

And Abraham again…

Don’t worship idols, they can’t do anything for you. Only God can do something for you.

To which, I think we should test this theory. Let’s pick one sincere Muslim and one sincere Hindu and have them ask their gods for something they couldn’t do on their own and then see which god answers or if both gods don’t answer.

Look at the Earth and know that God made all of this.

Well, we have looked at the Earth. It’s four and a half billion years and it was made by stardust that collided and coalesced over time.

But no one believed Abraham except Lot who went with him.

So now we get the story of Lot and how Lot was like, “Hey, guys, stop being so gay.”

And the people of Sodom said, “No.”

So God said, “Because thou wouldst not give up the butt stuff and pray the gay away, I’m going to destroy your city.”

“What about Lot?” said Abraham.

“I’ll saveth him and his family, except his wife, I doeth not liketh her.”

So the angels came to Lot and said, “Get out of town. God’s going to murder everyone. Including your wife.”

“Then who shall I use as a feminine companion?”

“You got two women right here,” they didst say.

“Oh, right. My daughters.”

Then God murders everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah for the butt stuff as Lot sits in a cave having sex with his daughters.

And then there was Median. They were assholes, so we, I mean, God killed them.

Also Aad and Thamood. No mention of the She-Camel this time though.

Also Quaroon, Pharaoh, and Haman, they didn’t listen to Moses so God killed them too.

People who reject God are like spiders who build a fragile house. Except those webs are actually pretty strong. And some of those little buggers can kill a man in a few minutes. I think there’s one right behind you now, just hovering over your head.

But yeah, that’s where they get the title from. One verse. I was expecting a giant talking spider like Shelob or her kin, but no… just a little spider sitting in its web.

God created the universe, surely that is good proof.

No. Scientific knowledge about cosmology has advanced significantly. There is no evidence that a god was needed to make everything.

You have to say the prayers to ward off evil.

Don’t argue with Jews and Christians except in kindness, unless they’re assholes.

Mohammed goes back to his favorite revenge fantasy for a bit before reciting more non-proofs in nature trying to prove God exists and he’s not lying.

And that’s pretty much it. A few more verses about how unbelievers will get theirs and there is no greater wrong that making shit up about God, which… irony.

And that’s it for Surah 29, one of the short ones.

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