An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 31: Luqman


If you pray when Mohammed says to pray and pay the obligatory charity (nice oxymoron), you’ll get into heaven.

Because the Good Lord, the God of the Universe, really finds it important that you little specks of dust on a tiny dustball of a planet in one of a billion billion solar systems in a medium sized galaxy that exists with billions and billions of other galaxies pray to him five set times a day.

If you make fun of Islam, you’re going to hell.

I, uh, guess I should have read that verse before I made that joke about prayer. Awkward.

If you believe and do good works, you go to your perfect garden. What if you want a beach house? Too bad. You get a garden.

Mohammed once again insists that there are invisible pillars holding up the sky and stabilizers to keep the Earth from moving.

God gave Luqman wisdom. And he said to his son, “Don’t make idols. God gets really butthurt about that. Seriously, not even a tiny little thing. Pray when God told you to or else… tell people to be righteous, outlaw evil, and be patient when life sucks even though God could totally make life not suck so badly.”

“Be humble. Don’t walk so fast. Keep your voice down. No one likes a loud mouth.”

We humans just don’t understand all of the blessings of nature that God has given us. When people tell us to follow what God has revealed, we just follow the religion our parents taught us. Well… what if our parents claim that God revealed their religion to them, huh? How do you settle which revelation is really from God? I hope it’s with a dance battle.

Go, Jesus, it’s your birthday! Go Jesus! Woo woo!

And then Jesus gets up in Mohammed’s grill and is like, “I’m like the Golden Arches, because I just served you a billion times.”

Don’t worry about unbelievers. They may look like they’re enjoying life now, but God will set them on fire forever.

The words of God will never run out. Except all of the holy books end… and there were no more revelations from God after this one, right? Like Muslims don’t believe that Joseph Smith was a new prophet like Mohammed, right? So, yeah, the words of God sort of ran out.

The sun, moon, and ships are all proof of God, according to Mohammed.

God is still really butthurt that some people who promise that if God just gets them out of a jam, they’ll totally become missionaries to Africa don’t actually follow through on those promises. You’d think an All-Knowing God would know in advance that they weren’t going to do that, but there you go.

Judgment Day is coming! Duh duh duh duh duh!

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