An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 33: the Confederates


Mohammed starts out by giving himself a little pep talk to ignore all the unbelievers and naysayers and keep trusting God.

God didn’t give you two hearts. Nor did he make your wives whom you equate with your mothers your actual mothers… what in the world?

(Reads different translation)

Nor has he made your wives whom you declare unlawful your mothers…

I’m sure someone has come up with an explanation of what the hell Mohammed was saying here, but I’ve got nothing.

Nor did he make your adopted sons, your real sons.

Well, that’s just hurtful.

You’re supposed to call your adopted sons by the name of their real father. If you don’t know the father, then just pick a name of a friend.

Mohammed loves you guys more than you love yourselves. Which is why he keeps sending you into battle where you can be cut up, maimed, and killed.

And his wives are mothers to them.

This surah is just weird.

Oh, hey, there we go. Unbelievers get burned in fire forever. Whew. I understand that.

Hey, remember that one time when we all went to battle and things looked bad, and some of you jerks where all like, “I want to go home!” or “I don’t want to die!” Quitters.

And then I said, “Yeah, if God wants you dead, he’s going to kill you no matter where you go, so you might as well die here.”

But then reinforcements arrived and everyone was like, “Oh, Mohammed, you’re so great and awesome!” and I was like, “Yeah, I know.”

And then we killed some of them and enslaved some of them and took their houses and stuff. Praise be to God, right?

Then it seems like some of Mohammed’s wives didn’t really care for being a desert nomad, because Mohammed takes the time to tell them to suck it up or they can leave.

And none of Mohammed’s wives better whore it up either. Mo don’t share his women. And no sexy talk, either. And you better not wear revealing clothes.

Good Muslims will get a great reward from God. But they better obey Mohammed or else.

Also, some of you have been questioning me about my taking my adopted son’s divorced wife as my wife. I didn’t marry her. God married her to me. So shut up. It’s okay when I do it.

Mohammed is not the father of any of your men… no matter what some of your lying wives and daughters might say.

So all of you worship God and remember that God is watching.

Also, while I’m at it, I can marry my cousins. Totes okay with God if I do. Or any Muslim female who wants to marry me really.

It’s good to be the Prophet.

But other than those women, I can’t marry anyone else.

Okay, guys, I don’t want any of you dropping by my house unless you’re invited. And even then, when you’re invited, just come in, eat, and get out. No extra conversations. It annoys me.

And if you have to talk to my wives, don’t look at them.

Also, if I divorce any of my wives, you can’t marry them because I’m not being tunnel buddies with anyone… I mean, because God.

And if any of you talk bad about me, God curses you and you’re headed for fire and then you’ll be like, “Oh, Mohammed we’re so sorry!” and I’ll be like, “HAHAHAHA… serves you right.” Yeah… that’ll be cool.

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