An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 35: Originator


Praise God. He made everything. Including angels: some with two wings, some with three wings… they mostly flutter about in circles awkwardly… and some with four wings.

God can show mercy or not show mercy and we can’t change his mind.

God provides for you form the heaven and earth. Unless he opts not to, right? That’s just what you said.

Don’t focus so much on this life. Treat the devil as an enemy. He invites his gang to be inmates of the inferno. First, Satan has a gang? Second, Inmates of the Inferno would be an awesome band name.

We go back to the sovereignty of God and to Mohammed it is complete. Whatever happens is because God wills it. Which means, theologically, you and I don’t have a choice. We are chess pieces in a cosmic match where God is playing both sides.

Again, God made humanity from dust and some God sperm and He’s in control of all the child births too. So next time you miscarry or have a child with a genetic defect, it’s God’s fault. Also, God is responsible for deaths too, so make sure you thank him if a loved one dies.

So there are two seas. One fresh and one salt. And, therefore, God.

Also, there is day, there is night, there is twilight. Therefore, God.

Hey, those idols can’t hear your prayer.

Well, I don’t think ‘God’ can hear my prayers either, but I’m willing to put it to the test. Hey, Lord, can you please let me win 100,000,000 dollars in the lottery? I will convert to Islam, tithe, and pay for the pilgrimage of poor people. And since I will have converted, could you also have Emma Stone ask me to let her be my second wife? And have my first wife be totes cool with that?

Okay, I’m still poor and my wife just punched me in the arm and stormed off to another room after she read that last part, so yeah, I don’t think He answered my prayer.

Apparently we all suck and God could kill us all and replace us if he wanted to.

Who’s to say he didn’t do that already? You can’t really know if you just came into existence three seconds ago or not.

I think Mohammed is giving himself a pep rally speech that it’s okay he isn’t making all of the converts. Making converts is up to God!

And he goes on to say that good Muslims will be in the garden of Eden and everyone else gets set on fire forever.

And then the people in hell will scream, “Save us!”

And then Rorschach, I mean, Allah will look down and say, “No.”

And again, Mohammed asks some great questions about why their gods aren’t gods, but doesn’t quite have the self-awareness to realize that own questions should apply to his invisible God.

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