An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 37: The Aligners

God made everything and he made us from sticky mud. Don’t ask how it became… sticky. Just don’t.

God has a problem with demonic spies. Not a problem really, but they keep trying to listen in on his private conversations and he has to keep torturing them and shooting them with heavenly arrows.

And we’re back to Mohammed’s favorite revenge fantasy where all of the people who didn’t believe him get thrown into hell.

But, if you’re a good Muslim, you get fruit. Yes, God gives you an edible arrangement. And a white drink. And there will be hot women hanging around.

And you get to look on your unbelieving friends in hell and taunt them.

A tree grows in hell with fruit shaped like demon heads. You get to eat the demon head fruit and drink a boiling liquid and then you have to go back into the fire.

And God’s like, “Hey, it’s not my fault you ended up there. I sent a guy who sounded crazy to warn you.”

“Also, we were super nice to Noah because we didn’t drown him.”

“Why couldn’t you not drown everyone else?”

“Because I have to drown someone. Also, I saved Abraham. And gave him Isaac. And Abraham had to sacrifice Isaac and Isaac was totally cool with it. But then I saved Isaac.”

“You know, you didn’t have to have Abraham sacrifice Isaac. I mean, you’re God. You knew what Abraham would do beforehand, right?”

“I don’t see your point.”

“And then I sent Moses and Aaron and they delivered the people from the terrible disaster.”

“The ‘disaster’ was the slavery that you sent them into!”

“And Elijah and Lot. We saved righteous Lot.”

“HE offered up his daughters to a rape mob and then fathered children with them!”

God doesn’t prefer girls to boys. God prefers boys to girls.

Also, God doesn’t hang out with genies.


3 thoughts on “An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 37: The Aligners

  1. Seed of Bismuth

    Can you please give a link to your copy of the Quran? cause “Quran in English” gives me nothing useful in Google



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