An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 38: Saad

Unbelievers are arrogant and defiant.

No, I’m not. You just haven’t given me a reason to believe yet. You say a lot of things, but so do other religions. You threaten hellfire, but so does Christianity and some other religions. You’re not giving me proof.

So Mohammed goes over the “history” of God’s plan to send one dude to people as a messenger, but no one ever believes him and they all die.

Maybe the perfect God should rethink his methods if he wants better results.

So David could command birds. And then Mohammed screws up the story of David and Bathsheba by turning the prophet Nathan’s parable into something that really happened. But David repents, so God is like, “We’re cool.”

You can rape and murder, so long as you tell God you’re super sorry about it later, but if you intellectually can’t believe in the right religion, you’re going to be set on fire forever.

Then God gave David, Solomon. He also gave him Ammon the rapist, Absalom the rebel, and killed his first child with Bathsheba instead of David.

But Solomon had lots of horses and he loved his horses. And God gave him demons to serve him and the mutant powers of Storm. And God built him a kingdom of which there has been no equal.

The Babylonian, Persian, Greek, Roman, Byzantine, and Ottoman empires were larger.

Of which there has been no equal.

And then there was Job. Remember Job? We let the devil destroy his wealth and murder his family over a bet. But we gave Job some cool water to drink and wash in, so you know, it’s all the same. Also… also… we brought his family back.

No, you didn’t. You didn’t resurrect the dead children, you just gave him new kids.

What about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob? They’re outstanding.

Dude… have you even read Genesis?

Ishmael, Elisha, and Ezekiel?

Sure, man. Okay.

They get to go to the Garden of Eden.

And back to Mohammed’s favorite revenge porn fantasy of the unbelievers roasting in hell.

And hey, you guys, how many surahs has it been since we heard about Satan not bowing down before Adam? Too many for Mohammed!

So Satan refuses to bow down to Adam and God says, “Get out of here, you jerk!”

“Don’t punish me yet. Give me thousands of years to convince humanity to join me in hell too!”

“Well… okay, sure, why not?”

God is the good guy in this story, remember?


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