If you have to write in your book how great your book is, then it’s not good.
So some unbelievers say, “Hey, look, we don’t think your religion is for us. What do you say you guys believe your way and we’ll keep believing our way.”
And Mohammed says, “Well, if you guys want to deny that God is one god and do what I say and enjoy the fires of hell, so be it.”
Moses said God created the heavens and the Earth in six days, but Mohammed’s like, “Hey, God did it in two! Okay, he took four days to figure out what he wanted to put on the Earth. But in two days, he made the universe and attached it with some stabilizing lines to the ceiling of his room. In fact, God created seven universes in two days!”
But if people don’t believe, you’re to tell them about Aad and Thamood. And how God sent some really strong winds to show them the error of their ways. That’ll teach ‘em. Unlike say God coming down and speaking to everyone instead of one desert warlord in the ninth century.
Next we have to go back to hell, because that’s Mohammed’s favorite revenge fantasy.
He reminds us that God is going to force us to go to hell. Which definitely contradicts the whole merciful thing he’s always talking about, but we’ll go with it.
We’ll go with it because on our judgment day, God is going to call our skin to the witness stand to testify against us.
“Well, he never moisturized enough and he popped a lot of zits as a teenager and you’re not supposed to do that.”
And we’ll say, “How the fuck is my skin talking?”
And they’ll say, “God! Checkmate, heathens!”
Now we unbelievers may say, “Why is the Quran so terrible to read? Couldn’t God write a better book that was easy to understand and less repetitive?”
That’s just because we’re not special enough to understand it.
Now God gave Moses a clear book (not really) and people disputed about what it said. So it’s a good thing that no two Muslims have ever disputed about the Quran and what it said and say, broke off into two major sects and several minor sects that constantly bicker and war over it to this day.
And God is super needy and really upset that you people aren’t as pious when things are going well for you as you are when you’re starving, sick, homeless, or about to die in a religious war thousands of miles from home in the desert.
House of the Dread 