An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 44: Smoke

“Ha. Meem,” God said.

Mohammed nodded. God had been using words that didn’t make sense a lot lately. He thought about asking the Divine what language that was.

“I have the best words,” God said. “Only the best words.”

Mohammed thought better of it and just nodded. He motioned to his scribe to write the words down.

“You should feel very blessed. Like the most blessed, Mohammed. I’m sending out letters. It’s very merciful of me to even talk to you people. I mean, I’m God, right? I made you and I can kill you all on a whim. I could like shoot someone in the head on 5th street and no one would say anything.”

“But some of you don’t believe me. You believe Lying MSNBC. You don’t believe Lying MSNBC, do you, Mo? Can I call you Mo? I’m calling you Mo.”

Mohammed shook his head.

“That’s why I like you, Mo. Very smart. Real good head on your shoulders. Not like those other people. One day the smoke will come for them and they’ll say, “God, save us!” and I’ll say, “Hey, I sent my guy to talk to your guy and you called him crazy. Well, who’s crazy now, right? You are. Yeah. You are…”

“So I’m going to come and just like make the Earth great again. I won’t lie, they’ll be a lot of murdering going on. But they deserve it. Mostly… you know… sometimes my aim isn’t so good.”

“Did I ever tell you about Moses and Pharaoh?”

Mohammed nodded.

“I’m going to tell it again anyway. So I send Moses to Pharaoh and he says, “Give me all the Jews, I’m on a mission from God. From God. But Pharaoh doesn’t call me to talk about it. No. So I have to go wreck his country and kill his son.”

And Moses says, “Hey, Lord, the Jews are the worst.”

“And I said, “Yeah, I know, right? But get them out of Egypt and go through the Red Sea, because I’m going to kill Pharaoh’s army.”

“Then I killed them with water. They left a lot of stuff behind. A lot of really nice stuff. Or it would have been if I hadn’t destroyed the entire country of Egypt with plagues. But it used to be nice stuff. Like really fine quality. Only the best stuff from my daughter’s sweat shop in China. Wait… strike that last part.”

“Anyway, I’m going to send all of the people who weren’t nice to me to hell where they’ll eat bitter hot food and I’ll dunk them in fire forever. But you guys… you’re cool, Mo. You can hang out in my garden. It’s really great. So great. There’s a nice big beautiful wall around it. You’re going to love it.”


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