An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 48-49


Surah 48: Victory

The occasion of this surah is that Mohammed has just won a victory in battle, so this is his chance to say, “Hey, guys, see? See? I am the messenger of God and if you stick with me, you all get gardens in heaven when you die unlike those jerks who didn’t follow me.”

“If you make an oath to me (Mohammed), you make an oath to God!”

Also, those Bedouins sucked because they didn’t follow me into battle. Now they’ll get their chance, but they’ll have to fight a greater army to prove themselves worthy of those gardens in heaven.

God has sent serenity down to his Messenger and his followers, which is why we just killed a bunch of people, right?

I’m totally the spokesperson for God.

 

 Surah 49: The Dwellings

Don’t talk about the Prophet or talk to him loudly at all. Speak quietly. God will reward those who don’t hurt the Prophet’s ears.

If you hear something from a worthless jerk, verify it before you pass it along.

Hey, look at that, useful information for us today. *Facebook* *Twitter*

Look, if the Prophet listened to you people and obeyed you, all sorts of bad stuff would happen. So your opinions don’t matter.

This is grace from the Lord.

If there’s a disagreement and one party decides not to follow Mo’s advice, fight against him until they agree to follow Mo’s advice.

Don’t mock or belittle other groups or people.

Don’t believe gossip.

Mohammed really doesn’t like the Bedouins.

True believers consider all of their stuff to be Allah’s stuff and fight for him. Really, God is doing you a favor by letting you be a Muslim and give him all of your stuff.

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