An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 55-56


Surah 55: The Compassionate

God created everything and totally wrote this repetitive book.

Don’t be corrupt in your business.

Why are you unbelievers when you’ve got animals and stuff all around you?

Mostly the evidence for evolution. The universe does not need the sort of personal creator God that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism (and many pagan religions) suggest.

God made man from clay. (No mention of holy sperm this time.)

And God made genies out of fused fire.

God is the Lord of the Two Easts and the Lord of the Two Wests…

Yeah… okay…Two easts and two wests…

Googles… Islamic scholars think this means sunrises and sunsets in summer and winter. I see Islamic scholars are just as adept as Christian scholars in trying to make sense out of holy books.

God made fresh water and salt water and they don’t mix.

Yes, they do, it’s called brackish water.

What about boats floating? Surely that is God.

There’s an entire science behind shipbuilding: buoyancy, water displacement, balance. Floating stuff in water is not magic.

God is up in heaven micromanaging everything.

And we wrap it up with Mohammed’s very favorite story of how everyone who ever doubted him will wind up burning in hell forever while all of the faithful who followed him will get to go to gardens with great furniture, fruits of every kind, and hot virgin girls serving you forever.

 

Surah 56: The Inevitable

Judgment Day is a’comin’.

You faithful get to go to a garden. The patio furniture is awesome. There are hot nubile young folks serving you fizzy drinks that don’t get you drunk or give you a headache. And there are plates of fruit and roast birds (I guess it’s not heaven for the birds.)  And there are lovely “companions.”

And never is heard, a discouragin’ word.

And virgins that God made special for those in the garden. And raised mattresses. I guess so no one can see what you’re doing with those virgins.

But all of the wicked get a searing wind and boiling water.

So… Detroit?

And smoke everywhere.

It’s Detroit, isn’t it?

We’re going to eat from poisoned trees.

It’s totally Detroit.

God created us. Have we seen what we ejaculate?

Yes. I mean… I have to, otherwise it ends up everywhere instead of in a tissue.

And God lectures us skeptics about how God could make our food rotten and give us salt water to drink, but he doesn’t do so for reasons.

And no one can understand the Quran except the purified. Which sort of makes it a rather poor book. If I have to believe the book before I can understand the book, it doesn’t exactly facilitate belief. Wouldn’t a book that explained why it should be believed with the requisite proof required to believe it be a better thing to give mankind?

Anyway, we’re back to good Muslims go to nice gardens when they die, and everyone else goes to Detroit.

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