Surah 58: The Argument
There’s a situation with a woman complaining about her husband’s treatment of her.
If a guy says to his wife, “Yeah, I can’t touch you, you’re as forbidden as my mother to me” he’s being a dick. But God will forgive. So you know divorce away, I guess.
But if you say, “You’re like my mother” and then decide you don’t really want a divorce, you have to free a slave or fast two months or feed sixty poor people a meal before you can have sex with your wife again.
Seriously, you guys who don’t listen to me are big mean jerks and God will show you. Na na. Na Na Nanny Nanny Boo Boo.
If you guys hang out in secret, don’t talk about bad stuff.
Conspiracies are from the devil, but he can’t harm you, unless God lets him. Which is super comforting until you remember the story of Job.
When you’re told to make room, move over. Don’t be a dick.
When you’re told to go home, go home.
When you try to come and talk to me, maybe give the Prophet a little something something, you know? Propheting isn’t cheap.
If you make friends with unbelievers, you’re going to hell.
Surah 59: The Mobilization
You’re entire purpose in life is to tell God how awesome He is. He’s very insecure, you know.
God was the one who destroyed all of those unbelievers whose cities we attacked. You didn’t think we could do it, but we did.
There is no free will.
Which means God tortures people with eternal hell fire for the hell of it. God is merciful.
Let’s see… Mohammed smack talks the people he’s trying to kill for a few verses. They suck. They’re hypocrites. They’re cowards. They’re going to hell.
God could have just plopped this book down on a mountain, but then it would have shaken and crumbled away before him. You might think God could stop that, but no.
And Mohammed wraps up with a few verses telling God how great He is because He’s been a little depressed lately and needs the pep talk.