An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 60-61


Surah 60: The Woman Tested

Hey, guys, don’t maintain relationships with unbelievers. You can’t be with me and with them. If you’re still hanging out with or maintaining a relationship with unbelievers, you’re sinning.

Besides, God will totally throw you or your kids or your parents into ETERNAL hellfire for not believing in the right religion and you can’t save one another.

Remember when Abraham said to his people, “Yeah, because you guys worship gods along with Yahweh, we hate you all. Go **** yourselves until you agree with me about religion.”

But Abraham prayed for his dad, even though he was helpless to prevent God from sending his dad to ETERNAL HELLFIRE if his dad didn’t convert.

But, you know, you can be friends with unbelievers if they haven’t fought with you about religion.

Regarding women who come and want to join our merry band of religious fanatics, if they believe, test them. If they pass your test, they can stay and marry into your family. You still have to pay them their dowry.

If your wife decides living in a desert warband isn’t for her and leaves, why don’t you donate the dowry that unfortunate guy paid for the wench if you feel like it.

And ladies, I am totally willing to ‘pray’ for you if you come running to us wanting to be a part of our religion.

But seriously, don’t hang out with unbelievers.

 

Surah 61: Column

Everything praises God.

Don’t say you’re going to do something and don’t do it.

God loves people who go around killing their fellow man for God.

Moses said, “Why are you guys hurting me? You know I’m God’s messenger to you.”

And everyone was like, “Oh, okay.”

And Jesus said, “I’m a messenger too. And I’m here to tell you that this other supercool, really awesome guy named Mohammed is coming to be like the most awesomest messenger of God ever!”

I’m going to need a scripture reference for that one, Mohammed.

Mohammed unironically says that the worst thing you can do is attribute lies to God.

And God really wants you to join Mohammed, travel the desert, meet interesting people and kill them. Then you’ll get to go to your awesome little God garden when you die.

And Mohammed invents more stuff for Jesus to say that magically confirms what Mohammed is saying.

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