An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 65: Divorce


“Mohammed,” God said. “Women. Am I right? Of course, I’m right, I’m God. Anyway… women. If you guys decide to divorce your wives, you have to wait until they aren’t bleeding out of their… wherever, you know? It’s just gross.”

Mohammed nodded sagely.

“But… you have to take care of them… until you don’t. Let ‘em sleep in the guest house if they want to. And if they’re carrying your baby, maybe take care of them until they’re done nursing it… or if you don’t want to pay your ex a dime, then find another nurse for you baby.”

“If they’ve reached menopause, you know… I guess… I don’t know… I usually show a woman the door by the time she turns 35… I guess she can stay in the guest house forever.”

“If you’re very wealthy, and I am super wealthy… just like the wealthiest, you deal with your exes according to your needs. Maybe have your lawyer set up an LLC to handle the hush money payments.”

“Do you know how many cities I’ve destroyed? I’ve lost count. Just a lot you know. They didn’t listen to me. You listen to me though. I like that. Keep listening. I have many great things to say. I have the best words, you know.”

“You go tell them my words, okay? You’re my guy. My messenger. Also I’ve built like seven heavens. Big beautiful heavens. The best heavens, you know? Huge.”

 

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