An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 70: Ways of Ascent

Someone asks Mohammed about hell, his favorite subject, so we launch into Mo’s ideas about the end of days.

“Oh, it’s definitely going to happen. You just have to be patient because a day with the Lord is like-“

“A thousand years, yeah we know…”

“No,” Mohammed says. “It’s like fifty thousand years!”

The sky turns really hot, mountains get white and fluffy, everyone is only out for themselves. Criminals hope that God will spare them on account of their children or wife, but no, God laughs at your pleas for mercy. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Hell is a raging fire that burns off your hair!

“I don’t have any hair.”

It burns off your face too!

Mo complains about how much people suck.

God only wants you to have sex with your wives and, you know… any other hot slave girls or girls you have in your control. But that’s it. Other than wives and slaves and maybe a widow or orphan you’re feeding and housing, you can’t have any sex.

Okay, now God could replace humanity with less shitty versions if he wanted to, it’s just that he doesn’t want to.

So God makes us flawed. Then gets mad that we have flaws. Then burns us forever for having flaws.

Yeah… God is a dick. But I would think that, because I’m flawed and obviously going to hell. So I guess when I get there, I’ll admit that Mohammed was right all along and be super sorry that I was born into the wrong religion, only married one wife and didn’t have any hot slaves to screw.


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