An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 71-73


Surah 71: Noah

Because you hadn’t heard enough about the story of Noah in this book already.

God says, “I told Noah to go tell the people that I was going to murder all of them in a flood for being jerks and not worshipping me properly.”

But Noah comes back and says, “Yeah, God, that didn’t work.”

So God murders everyone and throws them into hell forever and ever. The end.

 

Surah 72: The Jinn

God says, “Hey, you know, I heard a story about some genies. They heard about the Quran and decided to become Muslims.”

And God’s going to send unbelievers to hell. You haven’t said that like 4,000 times already.

 

Surah 73: The Enrapped

Hey, you enrapped people… stay up at night… or half a night… or less or more… but stay up late and chant the Quran. (Seriously? No wonder your neighbors hated you and didn’t want you around, Mo.)

You can’t do that in the day because you have work to do. So God expects you to sleep less and chant more.

Or else God is going to set you on fire forever for you lack of kissing his ring enough.

Have you heard the story of Moses and Pharaoh?

God is watching, so he’ll know how late you stay up chanting the Quran, and he’ll know whether or not it’s enough to save you from being set on fire forever.

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