An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 74-75


Surah 74: The Enrobed

God tells Mo to get up, wash his clothes, and go tell everyone how great He is.

God complains about how he gave this one guy money and kids and the guy wanted more, so now God is going to make his life miserable. But when God made his life miserable, the guy thought it was just bad luck. So God is going to send him to extra-superbad hell where 19 angels stand around stoking the fire. And apparently this number of angels is supposed to cause some of us to disbelieve.

“Yeah, Mohammed, we were okay with eighteen angels stoking the fires of Super-Bad Hell, but nineteen? You’re just crazy, man! There can’t be nineteen angels stoking the fires of Super-Bad Hell!”

The moon proves God’s existence.

And Mohammed promises us that in Super-Bad Hell, we won’t only have to deal with the fires tended by 19 angels, but also annoying believers constantly asking us why we’re in hell.

“Why are you burning yourself? Why are you burning yourself?”

 

Surah 75: Resurrection

God asks if we think he can’t reassemble our bones and he assures us that he can.

Yeah, but what if we’re cremated? Or dissolved into food for grass and trees that is then eaten by animals which are in turn eaten by mankind that comes after us? Will God rip out all of my original molecules from those guys just to put me back together again? And what about the parts of me that originally belonged to someone who died before me? Are we all going to be walking about in heaven or hell with massive holes in our bodies because the first few humans that existed had to have their bodies put together first?

I ask these questions because it’s a more interesting thought experiment than the actual surah which is basically Mohammed telling us that some of are totally going to hell because we didn’t believe him or follow him unquestioningly.

But I should point out that “God” thinks humanity solely comes from semen clotting up in a woman’s uterus and therefore “God” doesn’t understand at all where babies come from.

 

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