An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 85-89

Surah 85: The Constellations

Shockingly, I know, this has nothing to do with stars. It’s just Mohammed repeating the same stuff once again, but he blames it on God.

Also, he tells us once again how great this book is, but seriously, you’re not fooling anyone, Mo.


Surah 86: The Nightly Visitor

God says he swears that everyone has a watcher assigned to them that writes down all the crap they do. Also, humanity was created from semen that resides between the back and breast.

And everyone is going to get judged.

God totally swears that He, God, is the one speaking right now.


Surah 87: The Most High

God makes you read and will help you be a good Muslim, which is the Easy Way. And, if not, you go to hell.

But good Muslims will be successful in the Hereafter, but you jerks only care about the now.


Surah 88: The Overwhelming

The Overwhelming turns out to be more underwhelming talk about heaven and hell.

Camels prove God’s existence.

How is the sky raised?

It’s not. It’s light reflected off of gases.

How are the mountains installed?

Plate tectonics.

How is the Earth spread out?

The Earth is not flat. It’s a globe.

You have no control over them.

I don’t have control over comets either, but that doesn’t make them magical angels.


Surah: 89: The Dawn

Look at Aad and Thamood and Pharaoh again. And again. And again…

God supposedly punishes corruption.

This is, of course, not true. There is corruption throughout the world. My government. Every government really, it seems. I mean, I could talk about America, Russia, the Saudi monarchy… really if any government kind of deserves some really Old Testament wrath of God shit, those three qualify. But God doesn’t do anything. Almost like he’s not there and if you want to clean up corruption, you’ve got to do it yourself.

Mohammed complains next about how flighty people are and yeah, he’s right. When they prosper, religious people think God is favoring them, when they suffer, they think God is angry with them, sometimes for no reason.

Job, of course, said it better.

Take care of orphans and the poor and if that was all the Quran said, I’d convert to Islam.

But God’s going to set me on fire forever because I don’t believe in him and refuse to take the repetitious word of an 8th century desert warlord who thinks the Earth is flat and the sky is hanging off some celestial ceiling.

And we’ve still got 25 more chapters for “God” to keep saying the same things over and over again in his super-good, perfect book.


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