Surah 90: The Land
“God” swears by the land that he created man in distress. Well, that’s on Him then, isn’t it?
He complains that people don’t pay attention to him. He says He gave us senses and showed us the two ways. I don’t recall God coming to me and showing me two ways.
God says the right way is to:
Free a slave. Not all slaves or don’t own slaves, but maybe go ahead and free one, you know? Ha ha ha… holy books are really terrible when it comes to slavery.
Feed a hungry person. No complaints there.
Take care of orphans. Also good moral advice
Take care of the poor. Three verses now and it’s all actually good stuff.
Oh… but the idea is that your kindness will lead to them converting. So ulterior motive. But you know… okay… if religion led to everyone taking care of the poor, that would be a plus.
And if you don’t do those things, God will set you on fire forever.
God is merciful and gracious.
Surah 91: The Sun
God is still really pissed off at Thamood for not taking care of his she-camel.
Surah 92: The Night
The more good you do, the easier it will be to choose good.
The more evil you do, the easier it will be to choose evil.
Kind of like The Force.
If Islam had lightsabers, I’d sign up.
Also, hell, burning for eternity, all of the stuff Mo says in every Surah.
Surah 93: Morning Light
Guys, I know things suck now, but God is still with us. The afterlife is going to be much better than the life you have now.
Yeah, that is still one of the WORST messages to tell someone.
Surah 94: The Soothing
Seriously, stop complaining. God will soothe your heart and make things better. Suffering is good for the soul.
Surah 95: The Fig
God swears by the fig and olive trees and Mt. Sinai that God made man the best. Then he humbled him to the lowest of the low.
And why won’t you guys believe me, Mohammed says.
Surah 96: Clot
God still thinks people grow from sperm clots in women’s bellies.
God says he taught us all knowledge. Which… given God’s understanding of biology… well… has anyone checked God’s college credentials to see if they’re real?
Oh, but man is prideful, God whines.
And don’t you dare try to leave Islam or God will super force you back and make you sorry for leaving Him.
Surah 97: Night of Decree
God gave us the Night of Decree.
Anyone know what that is?
It’s super awesome! Angels and the Spirit descend then…
Seriously, anyone know what that is?
the Night of Decree… is in Islamic belief the night when the first verses of the Quran were revealed to the Islamic prophet Muhammad. It is one of the nights of the last ten days of Ramadan. Muslims believe that on this night the blessings and mercy of God are abundant, sins are forgiven, supplications are accepted, and that the annual decree is revealed to the angels who also descend to earth, specially the Angel Gabriel, referred to as “the Spirit”, to perform every and any errand decreed by God. Islam holds that God Almighty alone answers our supplications and that He alone receives them and forgives humanity and gives them what they ask for and that on this particular night Muslims should actively seek God’s forgiveness and engage in various acts of worship.
Huh… alright then. I guess maybe he wrote all this down somewhere else because none of that is in this surah.