KC: Jesus 2: The Revengening

Jesus Christ has just murdered a billion or so people for not being born into American Evangelical Christianity. This is nothing of consequence and most likely will not be mentioned again by the authors.

Let’s just let that sink in and pause a moment to tell a story…

There was a man who had two sons.  The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.  After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

One day, his father showed up at the pig farm. The son was stunned. As he walked to him, the father pulled out a sword and stabbed his prodigal son.


“I got tired of waiting for you to come home so I could forgive you. Now, you must die.”

So the son died and the father returned to his estate.

The end.

Seems a bit jarring, doesn’t it? Not to conservative Evangelicals. Because just how does the church feel about Jesus Christ out-murdering  Comrade Stalin by a degree of 100 or so to inaugurate his new government?

It hit Rayford that all who were left were believers, worshipers of Christ, and that he himself was among those who would populate the millennial kingdom.

They feel pretty good about it. At last, they finally get to have a world populated only with them..

To be fair to Comrade Murder Jesus, I’m not sure which would be worse: living in a world only populated by Franklin Graham clones or being thrown into a pitch dark pit of fire where worms gnaw at my skin.

Gabriel has everyone sit down and Jesus calls all of the saved dead forward.

Jesus began by honoring the saints of the Old Testament, those Rayford had only heard and read about. Rather than handling this the way He had the individual audiences with the tribulation saints—supernaturally dealing with them all in what seemed an instant—Jesus this time gave the spectators His strength and patience. The ceremony must have gone on for days, Rayford eventually decided, but he felt neither hunger nor thirst, no fatigue, not even an ache or a cramp from sitting in the sand that long.

There is no partiality with God. Just kidding, there is totally partiality with God.

Now Jesus starts quoting from Hebrews 11 because I’m pretty certain that LaHaye and Jenkins don’t actually know Jesus of Nazareth well enough to imagine what he might say. So Jesus dumps a scripture quote on us as various Old Testament figures are paraded  and get their shout out.

There was Noah, humbly kneeling, receiving his reward. Jesus said, “By faith, being divinely warned of things not yet seen, you moved with godly fear, prepared an ark for the saving of your household, by which you condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness which is according to faith.”

“Remember that last time when I killed everybody? It is so cool to be able to genocide again. I mean, did you see the looks on their faces? “Jesus is Lord! Jesus is AHHHHHHHHHHH! Heh… good times.”

Hours later it seemed everyone roused when it was Abraham’s turn. Jesus said, “By faith you obeyed when you were called to go out to the place you would receive as an inheritance. And you went out, not knowing where you were going. By faith you dwelt in the land of promise as in a foreign country, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with you of the same promise; for you waited for the city which had foundations, whose builder and maker was God.”

He also let another man fuck his wife out of greed and/or cowardice. Raped a slave girl. Kicked his son and the slave girl out into the desert to die, and tried to murder Isaac. But sure… I’m sure that nice gay couple you murdered who just wanted companionship totally deserved that instead of living in paradise.

Sarah passes by and gets her shout out. Isaac gets skipped over. Next up is Jacob, and then it’s Joseph’s turn…

And behind him, Joseph. Jesus told him, “By faith you, when you were dying, made mention of the departure of the children of Israel, and gave instructions concerning your bones.”

Joseph gets a free pass for enslaving all of Egypt because of some funeral instructions he gave his kids. Seems fair.

Moses shows up.

“Hey, remember that time when I tried to murder you and your wife cut off your son’s foreskin and threw it at my feet and I was like, “Dude… that is so metal” and I kind of forgot about killing you? That was cool.”

Jesus finishes up Hebrews 11 and Rayford has a very important question. Not about why all of these murderous, slave owning barbarians are being rewarded while decent people were just murdered. No… he has a question about his wives.

“It might be a little late to be asking this, Chaim,” Rayford said, “but what kind of a relationship will I have with Irene now? And Amanda. I know that’s the kind of question Jesus was asked when the Pharisees were trying to trip Him up, but I sincerely need to know.”

Chaim says that there is no marriage in heaven. God takes that ‘til death do us part’ bit pretty seriously.

The real reason, of course, is that sex is evil and would distract us celestial humans from our mandatory full-time adoration of Comrade Jesus.

Remember, sex is beautiful and fulfilling and created by God, but also evil, wicked, disgusting, shameful and has no place in a perfected believer’s life because it would lead them away from God.

You know, for all the shit I gave him, Mohammed at least came up with a semi-decent afterlife scenario with food and drinks and sex in nice cool gardens. I have a feeling this Evangelical utopia is really going to blow.


1 thought on “KC: Jesus 2: The Revengening

  1. spiritplumber

    You can take some solace in shadenfreude knowing that Rayford is a Natural and still has a sex drive, while both of his wives are Glorified and do not.

    A millennium of literal inceldom for Rayford.



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