KC: The God of the Cornfield


RAYFORD STEELE had to admit that the first time he saw a bear and then a leopard moving about in public, something niggled at him to keep his distance, to not show fear, to make no sudden movements. But when he saw the bear and the cat cooperate to climb a tree and make a meal of leaves and branches, he was emboldened to trust God for the whole promise. It wasn’t just he who had become a vegetarian. It was true of all former carnivores.

Wait… why is everything vegetarian now?

Because God reprogrammed all of the animals. Nevermind that cats literally need meat to survive, because God magic, that’s why.

But why did he make it so that cats need meat in the first place?

He didn’t. Cats didn’t eat meat until sin and death happened. Before that, they were vegetarians in the Garden of Eden. Like dinosaurs.

Wait. What? 

Yes. Dinosaurs were all originally all vegetarians too. Ask Answers in Genesis.

So a Tyrannosaurus, with its very long teeth that are perfect for killing…

Ate leaves.

Oh… wow… But seriously, cats literally need to eat meat to survive, so God fucked up their digestive tract and turned them into carnivores because Adam and Eve ate a piece of magic fruit?

Pretty much.

That doesn’t make sense at all.

You’ll be saying that a lot the more you think about this shit.

Rayford deduced that the sun was brighter without being hotter, because Tsion Ben-Judah taught that its light was somehow enhanced by the ever-present glory of Jesus.

Okay, so the sun is brighter, but not hotter?

God magic.

Couldn’t God just magic all of the plants and animals to thrive under hotter conditions?

Yes.

So-

Why didn’t he do it? Fuck you, that’s why.

Also, why would you need to guess, couldn’t you just ask God? God is supposed to be everywhere.

He’s hiding.

What?

God’s not here, man. He’s hiding.

How-

Look, if you keep asking questions, you’re going to get burned at the stake as a heretic.

Fair enough. What happens next?

Next, Rayford builds a solar cooker and they cook dinner. Irene made butter.

By magic?

No, she literally goes out, milks a cow, and makes butter. Gender roles persist into Jesustopia, I guess.

But she’s dead… she doesn’t need to eat…

But she does eat.

That seems wasteful…

Yes, it does.

And if you don’t need to eat, but you do it for sheer pleasure, why don’t you have sex still?

Because Jesus.

Jesus.

Yes, you’re so hot for Jesus that you don’t feel any strong attachment to anyone else.

“It’s bizarre,” Chloe told Cameron. “I still love and admire and respect you and want to be near you, but it’s as if I’ve been prescribed some medicine that has cured me of any other distracting feelings.”

“And somehow that doesn’t insult me,” Cameron said. “Does my feeling the same offend you?”

She shook her head. Her mind, like his, must have been on Jesus and whatever He had for them for the rest of time and eternity.

Yes, your love for your spouse is distracting. God needs ALL of your attention, people. Do you want to make God sad? Do you?

Also, again… food is good, sex is icky and yucky and wrong, so go to hell, you heathen harlot.

Harsh.

“Do you realize, Chlo’, that we still have to raise Kenny in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and see to it that he decides for Christ?”

This reinforces my robot theory because no human being talks like this. Cameron and Chloe are Jesus borg now.

Only true believers and innocents had survived the Tribulation and the sheep-and-goats judgment to make it into the kingdom. “How many children of the Tribulation must there be,” Chloe said, “who still have to choose Christ over living for themselves?”

“Children of the Tribulation,” Cameron said. “I like that.”

Merchandising! That’s where the real money is.

Uh… wait… so… they’re going to open an orphanage… for the children who no longer have parents… because-

Jesus murdered them, yes.

And this is presented as good.

It’s a good thing Jesus did that. A very good thing.

Oh, God, Jesus is going to send me to the cornfield, isn’t h-

You did a very good thing, Lord.

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4 thoughts on “KC: The God of the Cornfield

  1. Jim Roberts

    One quick thing – if you don’t think that the sun can be brighter without the weather being warmer, come here to the Northeast where that happens every fall. Otherwise spot-on.

    And, yeah, creepy as heck.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. spiritplumber

    So, apparently this and other bits (like the ice canopy) are because it’s what creationist Kent Hovind specified in his books and videos throughout the 1990s. The creationist community has more or less rejected Hovind (the whole tax fraud thing) but it’s what L&J used here.

    Funny enough, Kent Hovind is not a premillennial dispensationalist, he thinks that the Rapture happens after the Tribulation, not before.

    Like

    Reply

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