KC: Seriously, how does this make sense to any of you?


As they talked, it became clear that the Lord had shown them both that their recompense for giving their lives and—in essence—losing their son for a time because of that would be the blessing of a hundredfold more children to love. Cameron could only imagine where these children would come from

From families that the Lord just slaughtered.

“I cannot imagine the havoc unbelievers could wreak in this new world…”

Uh… Jesus is here, right?

Yep.

So… the problem of evil should be solved now?

You’d think.

Why…?

Jesus is apparently just as effective at stopping evil when he’s present as he is when he’s pining for the fjords.

One morning Cameron was praising Jesus with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs

Why does God need us to continually remind him of how great he is?

Do you want to go back to the cornfield?

No! No! Okay… praise Jeebus, Destroyer of Life and Families. May his fist ever drip with the blood of his enemies! 

That’s better. Now, Cameron is watching his still living son play and other kids come and join in and Cameron decides that it’s time to tell the little tykes about Jesus…

The man who murdered their families.

The same. But that’s not all the torture Jesus has in store for them. He tells Buck there to tell them the story of the Left Behind novels.

I’m pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention.

I don’t think there is a Geneva in this world any longer.

Don’t tell me-

You know, I don’t know if Jesus wiped out the city or God the Father did it or the Antichrist did it, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to read the Left Behind novels to find out.

But that’s the end of chapter 1. Chapter two opens with Irene recounting the marriage supper of the Lamb, in which God the Father mass marries every Christian that ever lived up until the Rapture to Jesus who is also still God.

What?

Yep. Polygamy forever! Woo!

So God is pro-same sex marriage?

Apparently. But only for Jesus.

So is there a wedding night of the Lamb?

No, it looks like Jesus just gets to first base unless he groped one of his millions of wives or husband-wives.

‘Irene continued: “As Jesus stretched His arms to encompass the mighty throng that constituted His bride, God said, ‘The Bridegroom loved you with an everlasting love, though you were unworthy and rebellious and disobedient.

Nothing like starting off a new life together than by reminding your spouse that they suck and how you’re so awesome for marrying them anyway.

Is there going to be a Divorce and Alimony of the Lamb?

Cornfield, bud. Cornfield.

“ ‘Henceforth now and forevermore, you and the Bridegroom are one.’ ”

So… each Christian is a part of the feminine body of the collective church which is now one with God, but not all of God, just a part of God who married over a billion people, but we’re still not God even though we’re one with-

Shh… Just go with it. Just go with it…

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