KC: Bad prose and worse theology

One of the signs of bad writing is when an author punches up their words unnecessarily and inflates their word count. For instance in the following passage:

“I have opened a fountain for the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem,” Jesus said. “The time is now, when the moon shines as the sun and it is neither day nor night, but at evening it is light. I have caused living waters to flow from Jerusalem, half toward the eastern sea and half toward the western sea. In both summer and winter this shall occur.”

This could translate to, “And Jesus said, ‘Look, everyone, I made a river. It goes from the Mediterranean to the Dead Sea.’”


“The water that flows toward the eastern region goes down into the valley,” Jesus said, “and when it reaches the sea, its waters are healed. Every living thing that moves, wherever the rivers go, will live. There will be a very great multitude of fish, because these waters go there; for they will be healed, and everything will live wherever the river goes. But its swamps and marshes will not be healed; they will still be given over to salt. Along the bank of the river, on this side and that, will grow all kinds of trees used for food; their leaves will not wither, and they will bear fruit every month, because their water flows from the sanctuary. Their fruit will be for food, and their leaves for medicine.”


“When the river runs into the Dead Sea, I’m going to make it fresh water and there will be fish and plants and trees.”

Also, let’s pause for a moment and point out that this is supposed to be utopia. Why the hell do they need medicine? Is God still dealing out pediatric cancer?

The idea of so much water in this desert fascinated Cameron. He had spent a lot of time in this region during the Tribulation and had often wondered what it would look like if there had been enough irrigation.

The adventures of Jesus Christ, landscaping engineer!

Tsion Ben-Judah felt particularly privileged as one of the chosen people and a tribulation martyr. Of most interest to him on this day at the cusp of the Millennium was to try to understand how the Old Testament law would mesh with the work of Christ on the cross. How thrilling to learn that the glory of the Lord would fill the temple and that the Mosaic laws would be observed

Good news, you’re going to have to marry your rapists again, Ladies. It’s the law of God.

Oh, Tim… you have tattoos. You’re an abomination. Off to hell with you.

Is your child entering that rebellious teen years? Well, take that lad or lass to the elders of the gate and have him stoned to death!

Woo… so happy. The law of God. Woo…


Wait a second. Felix, are you wearing cotton with wool?

Off to hell you go! Wahahaahaha!

Jesus is establishing a government because obviously he can’t be everywhere for everyone because… what is he… ha ha ha… omniscient and omnipotent? Oh… he is? Then why does he need judges to judge things? Why is God Almighty setting up a bureaucracy to run the world when He can do it all Himself?

Then the Lord explained that the judges would report to the king of Israel—in this case, Jesus’ prince, David himself.

Warlord. Murderer. Rapist. But he felt really bad about those things so God ignored the law and killed his baby instead of him.

David comes in and recites some psalms about how unworthy he is. And he’s right. There are probably a lot of people writhing in the fires of hell being eaten by worms who are more worthy than he is. They’re probably really sorry for their sins too.

But Jesus says, “Yeah, bro, we’re cool.” And David is the king of Israel again.

Hide your wives. Hide your daughters.

The author takes five paragraphs for Jesus to say, “I live on a mountain and things are going to be much better now.”

Rayford wonders what is meant when it was said that the child and the sinner will die at one hundred years.

It’s a total mystery, Rayford. Just a total mystery.

Tsion explains that while God has rewired and hardcoded the Jews so they can’t sin, he hasn’t done that with the Gentiles because fuck those guys for being born with the wrong genetics. Instead, all of the Gentiles who haven’t died or converted will have to become Christians or God will murder them on their 100th birthday and send them to hell.

But he loves us.

And he needs money.


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