KC: The Abuser

I’ll put a mild trigger warning for people who have been in abusive relationships.

We open with Rayford and the God squad visiting Cendrillon’s parents. They are grieving for their daughter. Not only for her death, but also for the knowledge that she is being tortured for all of eternity by Jesus Christ their Lord and God.

But she made Him do it.

That’s the overarching theme of the funeral. She made Him hurt her forever. She forced God to hit her with her thoughts and opinions and somehow doubts.

So everyone gathers together for the funeral and her dad opens it up.

“We praise Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith,” he began, laboring.

“And the torturer of our daughter forever. Blessed be his bloodied hands…”

“But this is neither the memorial of a life nor the celebration of a home going, for as you all know, there is only one place for the dead now, and it is not heaven.

God’s eternal torture pit.

Then Cameron stands up and gives his message.

“Hey, everyone, I know this is a funeral, but Cendrillion is being tortured for all eternity by Jesus, so you know, if you’re not on Jesus’ good side, get there before He comes to kill and torture you too. Because if you don’t, it’s your own fault for being killed and tortured by Jesus.”

If you have hardened your heart against Him, it is not because you don’t believe. It is not because you don’t know. It is because you choose to go your own way rather than His, to indulge in a life centered on your own pleasures and wishes rather than dedicated to the One you know is creator of the universe.

Stop making God hit you! Just do what He says and He won’t have to beat you. Have you tried being more submissive?

Cameron also gives us the magic words that we can use to save ourselves from being beaten by God.

‘Thank You for sending Your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins. I confess I am a sinner and ask Your forgiveness. I receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior and surrender my life and future to Him.’

God may still want to beat you, but he’s contractually obligated to spare you if you say and believe the magic words.

Clap harder.

Dead Raymie is sitting next to Kenny, Cameron and Chloe’s son, and says, “Hey, you said the magic words and meant them, right? I don’t want to see God beat the shit out of you for all eternity.”

Kenny says, “Yeah, dude. We’re good. Magic words said. Praise be to the Savior. May the blood of his enemies always flow from His hands.”

From all over the building, people were streaming toward Cameron, many weeping. Hundreds knelt as he led them in prayer.


This is also, by the way, the image that everyone who hands out tracts or does street art or preaches on a soap box jerks off to.

One of the other dead guys notices that some of Cendrillon’s family isn’t praying and weeping to be saved from Jesus Christ, and says, “Man, I wish I could go undercover and find out what these damn kids are really up to, you know?”

Maybe you should ask the omniscient and omnipotent Jesus Christ who is physically on Earth? No? No? We’re going to go with sending Kenny? Okay then.

Kenny had been ten and living in the kingdom a few years when his mother led him to Christ and prayed with him while putting him to bed one night. “I don’t feel like a sinner,” he had told her. “I hardly remember doing anything wrong.”

“Sin isn’t necessarily just things we do,” she had said. “It’s what we are and who we are. We’re all born in sin and need forgiveness.”

You are worthless. You are trash. You are corrupt. You don’t deserve good things. You deserve to be beaten. Worthless. Filthy. Disgusting. You should thank God for every foul breath you draw. Because God will come for you, you know. And He will not be happy with you.

Kenny goes up to introduce himself to Cendrillon’s cousins.

As he reached the family, he noticed two young men about his age who looked a lot alike. He reached for one’s hand. “You a relative of Cendrillon’s?” he said.

The bushy-haired young man shook Kenny’s hand. “Depends,” he said. “She owe you money?”

Kenny couldn’t help but grimace. What a thing to say at time like this.

You know…  as opposed to saying God is torturing her forever and ever. Amen. Praise the Lord.

He introduces himself as Ignace and his brother Lothair. Lothair says, “Hey, that crackpot made her sounds like a loser.”

That was actually more Mohammed’s thing.

Kenny’s like, “Yeah, but you know, she’s in hell being tortured by God, so… he’s kind of right.”

“Did you even know her?”

“Yeah, sure. Not well, but she was from my area.”

“Then you know she wasn’t some big sinner. She hadn’t even been outside Israel since she was a little kid. We couldn’t even talk her into having a little fun.”

That’s a perfectly reasonable objection. Why does Cendrillon deserve to be tortured by God forever?

Because she existed?

If so, wouldn’t it have been more merciful for God to deny her existence rather than to give her 100 years and then beat the shit out of her for all eternity?


“Yeah, you know. Fun. Something other than singing songs to Jesus to make sure you live past a hundred.”

“I wouldn’t mind living past a hundred,” Kenny said.

“Then you’d better get saved, don’t you think? According to this guy, that’s the only way to make it. Unless you got a pass by coming straight here from heaven. You didn’t, did you?”

Yeah, and he’s right. This is the universe you live in. You don’t have a choice. You are either submissive to the blood god, or he beats the shit out of you forever. I mean, that sucks, but that’s the reality of your situation.

Lothair makes stronger wine out of the rivers and pools of wine that God made and Kenny is appalled, because when God said wine, he only meant grape juice. Ha ha ha… yeah, grape juice. Jesus made water turn into grape juice, kids.

And Kenny finally notices their suits with pinstripes that are repetitions of the letters TOL over and over again, because black T-shirts with “VILLAIN” printed on them would have been too subtle.

Kenny trades contact info with the heathens because he’s Kenny Undercover now.


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