David blesses Rayford and friends.
“God be merciful to us and bless us, and cause His face to shine upon us, so His way may be known on earth, His salvation among all nations. Let the peoples praise You, O God; let all the peoples praise You. Oh, let the nations be glad and sing for joy! For You shall judge the people righteously, and govern the nations on earth.
I’d like to remind you all that God is physically present on the Earth and could certainly make his way known to all the nations of the Earth.
Faith is no longer necessary. People have sight now. They can look at not-dead Jesus. They supposedly should be able to talk to them. Jesus Christ could be out on a world tour going city to city telling people about Himself and giving Q and A sessions to doubters. Hell, he could be giving them a tour of hell.
“Wave to your parents, kids. Look at how much they appear to be suffering, all because they didn’t believe me. Do you believe me?”
David offers Rayford a boon and Rayford asks if maybe David and the Old Testament gang could show up for story time at the Orphanage for Kids whose Parents Jesus murdered.
“Uncle Noah, Uncle Noah, tell us again what happened during the flood.”
“Well, kids, there were mommies and daddies kind of like yours and they were banging on the door of the ark. Oh, how they screamed and pleaded with me to save their little children. Their innocent little children. But I didn’t.”
“Done, and I shall send Caleb with him. Who else?”
“And then kids, we moved into Jericho. And we stabbed the men, the women, children, and babies with the sword. There was so much blood. But we did it for Jehovah… sometimes at night, I can still see the blood… and hear the screaming of the women and little ones.”
“With pleasure. I wonder what story of mine they might ask for. . . .”
The men laughed.
“Hey, tell us about the time you raped your best friend’s wife and then had him murdered!”
We cut back to the hot and searing sensuality that is Kat and Kenny.
“Tell me, Kat,” Kenny said. “You’ve brought me this far.”
Kenny needs that sweet sweet Jesus money shot to finish.
“I found myself in my room, sitting on my bed, praying for my friends.”
Oh, mama… there we go… what were you wearing while you were sitting on your bed? Was it a T-shirt… a CHRISTIAN T-Shirt. Oooo… I like that.
Sure, she was praying, but she wasn’t a believer, so God is sitting there going, “LALALALALALAALALA… CAN’T HEAR YOU, YOU SINFUL WHORE.”
“But the exercise was good for me, because while Jesus wasn’t speaking to me, He was impressing something deep within me. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fact that I was no better than my friends, regardless the reason for their disbelief. In fact, I was no better than Lucifer himself. I can see by your look that you feel I’ve overstated it, Kenny. But think about it. I was guilty of the very thing that got Lucifer cast out of heaven. I wanted my own way. I may not have said I wanted to be God or imagined myself bigger or better than He is. But I wanted to be the god of my own life, and that usurped His right and His authority.”
Yes, by having your own thoughts and opinions, you are just like Satan.
Also, God owns you and your body. You destiny is to be an eternal puppet to Jehovah. But God wants you to choose to be that eternal puppet or it doesn’t count. But once the choice is made, you don’t have a choice any longer.
“I knelt on the floor, and you know, that didn’t seem low enough. For my whole life I had held Jesus at bay. I lay flat on the floor, weeping, pleading for forgiveness, and committing myself to the Lord forever. He has been with me ever since, and I have never looked back or regretted it.”
Oh yeah… there it is, Baby. Christian money shot. You writhe on the ground and beg for forgiveness, you dirty, dirty girl. Roll around in your filthy rags some more. Yeah… that’s it. You receive what Jesus has for you.
But even after getting him over the top, Kenny doesn’t want to reveal his plans to be an undercover spy for Jesus.
Jenkins feels the need to jump back to Rayford fanboying it up over meeting a raping, murderous tribal warlord.
But then we’re back with Kenny. And he can’t concentrate on his studies or his responsibilities for the Jr. God Squad. His body has started to change and he’s getting hair in places where he didn’t before. By golly, Kenny has noticed a girl. And he wants to tell his mom about his funny feelings.
Meanwhite, Dead Raymie is concerned because Qasim is not the right sort of Christian for him. Psst… he means Arab.
Specifically, Raymie thinks Qasim is just a dirty ol’ unbeliever because his Jesus money shot was so disappointing. There wasn’t even any writhing around in the dirt weeping and begging Jesus for his sweet salvation.
Zaki sat shaking his head. “You’re going to blackball this guy. I can’t believe it. How am I going to tell him?”
“You shouldn’t have invited him in the first place,” Bahira said. “Then you wouldn’t have to tell him anything. You should have just suggested we get to know him and check him out without suggesting or implying anything. If he’s disappointed or offended, it’s only because you overpromised.”
“Okay, I’m sorry if I thought he would be perfect for us. Guess he can call off his trip.”
So, I’m wondering exactly what they think Qasim will do? Blab that he’s a Christian spy? Betray the Jr. God Squad to the Other Light? What exactly is the tension supposed to be? So what if they find out you’re spies, what are they going to do? Kill you? Didn’t Jesus put a hold on death? And even if he didn’t, don’t you just pop right back up again in resurrected undead bodies and say, “Haha… we’re going to report you to Jesus!”
For that matter, doesn’t Jesus bloody well know already what the hell is going on? Wouldn’t it be worthwhile to maybe check in with the Guy? Say, “Hey, Jesus, I’m on a mission from you. What are your instructions and who should I bring? Oh, what’s that? You already know everything and this entire trip is pointless? Oh, and you’re going to go visit the Other Light clubs and have a talk with them? Cool. I’ll just be over here having chaste courtship with Kat.”
Jesus, this book is stupid.
But Raymie and the gang are butthurt because Qasim has decided to go to France and infiltrate the Other Light without them approving of him, because even in death, these people think they should run everything.
But finally the meeting ends and Kenny gets to go visit his mom who tells him that she hired Kat, but since working with her would be a distraction, Kat gets to be recess monitor.
List of things that are bad according to this chapter: free will; bodily autonomy; having opinions and thoughts, human relationships.