KC: Helpmeets, Racists, and Committees, Oh My!


Rayford, Bruce, Tsion, Chaim Rosenzweig, Irene, and Bruce’s wife (who does not get a name) are all headed to Egypt to put right what the Lord has destroyed. The men folk, of course, will be leading and preaching and doing the work, while the women folk…

Bruce’s wife, who had been raptured, had a gift for organization like Irene’s. They would be of tremendous help to Mac, who would be in charge of technology, transportation, and logistics.

Are the helpmeets. The support staff.

Yep. Once again, ladies, the Evangelical utopia is that you’re perpetually consigned to second class citizenship. You are always going to be the subordinate. The helper. Never the leader. Never equals. Because you were born without a penis, your future is to faithfully serve God by serving your husband. Even after death.

Irene isn’t exactly thrilled about going, but she knows her place in the social hierarchy and accepts it.

Meanwhile, Rayford talks over Abdullah’s assignment with him. His wife, a zombie, talks it over with God and decides to go with him. And they end on this ‘joke’.

“Dangerous, eh?” Rayford said. “Surely the Lord doesn’t expect a man your age to pose as a member of TOL.”

“Captain Steele,” Abdullah said solemnly, laughter dancing in his eyes, “I recall the days when a comment like that to a person of ethnicity was punishable as a hate crime.”

Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins did not understand what a hate crime was.

It’s not calling someone old.

It’s walking into a synagogue and murdering 11 people because you think Jews are trying to replace you. It’s walking into a grocery store and murdering two people because you think blacks are trying to replace you.

But White Evangelicalism has never really understood why vulnerable minorities would want legal protections from the white majority in America.

We skip ahead to Rayford and company building their new house in Egypt while the Egyptian peasants are being punished by God for their leadership’s actions.

As soon as they had landed in Al Jizah, it became clear the area was wounded. Since the Feast of Tabernacles in Israel several days before, no rain had fallen in the entire nation of Egypt. Worse, it was obvious that God had shut off even the underground springs—deadly to a desert climate. Rivers had stopped flowing, and rapidly evaporating water lay stagnant everywhere. Citizens filled containers as fast as they could, trying to collect the last of the good water.

Ah, yes. Collective punishment. There’s that just and merciful and loving God.

We jump back to Kenny and Kat because this book hates me. Kat is sharing with her leadership book about how she read the story of Jonah to a little girl who decided to become a Christian.

“It was the sweetest thing. When she prayed, she told Jesus that, like Jonah, she had been running from Him. She said, ‘I kept trying to give myself to You, but I would borrow myself back. Now I want to be Yours for good.’ ”

Yeah, that’s not exactly what the book of Jonah is about.

Jonah hated the Assyrians. He was a racist. He thought they deserved fire and brimstone and utter destruction from the Lord, so when the Lord told him to go and tell the Assyrians to stop being assholes or else, Jonah told God to go pound sand because Jonah hated the Assyrians, Jonah was a racist.

And, in the story, God tries to teach Jonah to love people of other races. To love his enemies. God tries to teach Jonah empathy.

10 But the Lord said, “You have had pity on the plant for which you have not labored, nor made it grow, which came up in a night and perished in a night. 11 And should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot discern between their right hand and their left—and much livestock?”

God comes to Jonah at the end and says, “Dude… you loved a plant and were angry when it died. Can’t you see that these people are more important to me than a plant? Or, if you can’t go that far yet, can’t you at least admit that it would be shame to incinerate all of the animals?”

Jonah ran from God because he didn’t want God to love and be merciful to people he didn’t think deserved it.

I wonder what lessons Evangelicals can draw from that text today?

Hmm…

Someday I need to take this COT idea back home.”

“I think it would work anywhere,” Kenny said. “I’m surprised there aren’t more ministries like it around the world.”

Yeah, Kenny, you’ve been living in Israel working there for about a hundred years and haven’t given a single thought to leaving and sharing that with the rest of the world.

I do wonder why there aren’t more ministries like it around the world.

Idiot.

Meanwhile, back with Rayford, one of the Egyptians asks him a good question:

“Can you do anything about getting Him to turn the water back on?”

“That’s why we’re here, but as you can imagine, the leadership of this nation is going to have to get in line.”

“I hope you’re not expecting a warm welcome in Cairo. Those young men who talked the other leaders out of going to the feast are dead, slain by lightning in the very presence of their colleagues.”

Rayford stretched. “The Lord’s justice is swift, friend. He clearly made an example of those two, as His Word warned. When their ends came, there could have been no question why. And I believe we’ll be seen as the messengers we are. We’re praying the whole ordeal will give us a hearing among the young people here, show them there’s no trifling with God.”

“Well, know that every other believer is praying the same thing. Why must we suffer for the actions of a few?”

Yeah… collective punishment. Not just of unbelievers, but of the people who have converted and are faithful to him. This is the God they believe in. Their God punishes the innocent along with the guilty… you know, unless it involves the rapture and then they think God spares the innocent. But any other time, God will just punish everyone.

This is why they don’t blink at passages were God kills tens of thousands of Jews for the actions of one.

They have somehow rationalized that as being just and righteous and fair.

Back at the Jr. God Squad, Raymie and Zaki (they sound like two members of the worst Christian boy band) argue about Qasim some more. Qasim has gone and hung out with The Other Light people while the Jr. God Squad has been having committee meetings. And Zaki wants him to come in and tell them what he’s found. Raymie is surprised that Zaki has betrayed the location of their secret He-man Woman Hater’s Clubhouse.

“Zaki, if we’re going to do this, be this force, we don’t want a lot of people knowing about it. I’m not afraid of the young people of the Other Light, because they can’t hurt us. But they can sure hurt a lot of other people, so we have to stay under the radar.”

Again… WHERE IS JESUS? JESUS IS ON YOUR SIDE, SO WHY WOULD HE LET TOL HURT OTHER INNOCENT PEOPLE IN HIS UTOPIAN KINGDOM?

This is stupid.

“Before you start,” Raymie said, “I need to be clear. You realize you’re not part of this group and you don’t work under our auspices.”

One of the powers of Raymie’s zombie body is to be a dick.

“Granted. But it’s in your best interest to know what the competition is up to, wouldn’t you say? And they’re up to a lot. Those so-called nightclubs of theirs, at least the one in Paris, are so underground hardly anybody even knows about them.”

“Well, that makes sense,” Kenny said. “No matter what they’re doing in there, they’re breaking every law on the books, and if they flaunted it, they’d be in deep trouble.”

How the fuck does that make sense, Kenny? Your government is being run by an omniscient and omnipotent Jesus Christ. What the fuck does it matter if you sin in secret or openly? Jesus should know what is going on regardless and should be able to punish them or send a psychic email to the local constables to go round up the rebels for reeducation.

Anyway, Qasim has gotten a hold of their official Evil Manifesto and the Jr. God Squad continues to be dicks to him.

“You see why we needed another guy?” Zaki said. “I told you Qasim could pull this off.”

Bahira scowled. “Don’t be so sure. For one thing, he’s not working for us. And for all we know, all he’s done is expose us.”

“Well, you’re wrong,” Qasim said. “But thanks for the gratitude. Now, you want to see this manifesto or not?”

Well, maybe, but first we’ll have to schedule a committee vote to debate the resolution. What do you guys think? Maybe in six months?

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3 thoughts on “KC: Helpmeets, Racists, and Committees, Oh My!

  1. Conscience

    This is the part of the story where someone (Jesus?) forcefully changes the name of Egypt, shouting at people that they have a sinful name for their own country. This of course ignores the fact that people who live in “Egypt” actually call their country Masr, and “Egypt” is actually a western name based of an ancient Greek mistranslation.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. spiritplumber

      Yep. Master debater Tsion ben-Judah does this, though, not Jesus.

      It becomes a political issue in Left Beyond Quest, naturally.

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  2. spiritplumber

    They never name Bruce’s wife. This is the last book, and the last chance to do so, and she never gets a name. It’s always “Bruce’s wife”.

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