The story of Noah starts.
Now, children, I may not look like I lived 950 years. That is because, when God granted me my glorified body, he set me back to midlife and the relatively spry age of just five hundred, when I was married and the father of three sons. Why did we live so long back then? For the same reason you will live long. The world actually exists now, as it did then, under a canopy of water that blocks the most harmful effects of the sun. When that condition no longer existed, life spans were greatly reduced, as history shows.
If you didn’t grow up in Evangelical Fundamentalist circles, you might not be familiar with the water canopy theory.
The theory basically says that God stuck a bunch of water vapor around the Earth and therefore people could live to be almost a 1,000 years old and that’s where God got all of the water from when he decided to flood the Earth.
It is, of course, a crock of shit.
First, let us look at atmospheric pressure. For the earth’s atmosphere, the pressure is almost exactly hydrostatic, since it is held to the earth by gravity and velocities are too low to significantly change the pressure. In plain language this means that the air pressure at any point is equal to the weight of the air in a unit area column above that point. At sea level, air pressure in US engineering units is about 14.5 pounds/sq inch because a column of air one inch square extending to the top of the atmosphere weighs (Guess what!?) 14.5 pounds. On top of Mt. Everest, the pressure is lower because the lowest and densest 9km of the atmosphere is below that point.
Now the “vapor canopy” would form a part of the atmosphere, being a body of gas (water vapor) gravitationally held to the earth. It would in fact be most of the pre-flood atmosphere. There would have to be enough vapor to form 9km of liquid, when condensed, and, therefore the vapor would weigh as much as 9km of water. The pressure at the earth’s surface, where Noah and family lived, would be equal to one atmosphere PLUS the weight of a 9km column of water of unit area. This is equivalent to the pressure 9km deep in the ocean. What is this pressure? Well, each 10m of water is roughly equivalent to one atmosphere, so the pressure would be 900 atmospheres. The atmosphere would also have a composition of about 900 parts water vapor to one part of what we call air today.
How could an atmosphere almost 100% water vapor not condense? The temperature would have to be raised to the point where the partial pressure of water equals 900 atmospheres, i.e. the boiling point at that pressure. So we find Noah et al. living in a 13,000psi boiler. Is this credible?
No, it’s not credible. But it’s meant to sound credible enough to keep you from thinking about the problems of the theory and settle back into your doubt-free belief in fairy tales.
But did you know that many revere me for something else? No? No one? I was the first to appreciate the juice of the grape as much as the meat, the fruit, of it, and devised a way to pull the liquid from it and make a drink of it
That would be news to the Chinese who were fermenting wine as early as 7000 BCE, but do go on…
You are too young for wine just yet, and one of my great regrets is that I embarrassed myself because of it as well. Worse, I sinned against God and humiliated myself, and this was after proving my faithfulness through obedience.
And then you cursed your grandson because his father saw your dick. True story.
“Like me, men began to have many children, especially because we were all living so long. The earth was growing with more and more people. This may be hard for some of you to understand, but during that time disobedient, fallen angels were banished from heaven and lived among men on the earth. They married human women against the will and law of God.
Yes, they really believe this. And if God really didn’t want angels to get freaky with human women, it seems like he could have done something about it. Also, this entire bullshit story of angel-human sex producing giants comes from the book of Enoch where God decides to kill off the giants and humans together because the angels taught people about metal working and makeup.
Why do people believe this?
God saw that most of the world was filled with wicked men and women, and He decided to give them only 120 years to see their need for Him, or He would wipe them off the face of the earth. The Lord said, ‘My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, for he is indeed flesh.’
Somehow the omnipotent, omniscient God of the universe never realized that people would turn out to be stupid prats. Also, when He did figure it out, why didn’t He just pop in to Earth and say, “Hey, assholes! Knock it off or I’m going to murder you with fire and snakes”?
“So the Lord said, ‘I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth, both man and beast, creeping thing and birds of the air, for I am sorry that I have made them.’
Maybe you should have known about that and done something so that humanity didn’t turn out to be assholes? No? Okay then.
But, children, somehow I, Noah, found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Now notice that I did not say that God found in me any good thing that made me worthy. I believed in Him, that He was the Creator and my Sovereign and my only Savior from sin. I humbled myself before Him and pledged faithfulness and obedience. That is all we can do.
Noah is humble bragging. No, no, there was nothing special about me. I just chose the right religion and was totally faithful to God! I’m not that special.
“Somehow God saw me as just, and I walked with Him. But the earth was corrupt and filled with violence. One day He said to me, ‘The end of all flesh has come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence through them; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make yourself an ark of gopherwood; make rooms in the ark, and cover it inside and outside with pitch.’ ”
God complains about violence being everywhere on the Earth. His solution? I’m going to kill every last motherfucker down here!
The girl nodded and Noah continued. “And the Lord told me how to make the ark. He said its length should be three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. Who knows what a cubit is?”
Several children tried to answer at once, convincing Rayford that they had recently been taught. Noah singled one out, who said, “The distance from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow of a grown man.”
The all-knowing God decides not to introduce the metric system to humanity and instead rely on inaccurate measurements.
Also, there is no way you could fit every species of animal into a boat that small.
“God said, ‘Behold, I Myself am bringing floodwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall die.’
“Can you imagine how that made me feel? I was grateful that I had found grace in His eyes, but it is a fearful thing to see almighty God at the end of His patience and mercy with all of mankind. It soon became clear that I and my family were to be the only humans left.
Really, Noah? You had no neighbors that you sort of liked? No one you’d say, “Hey, God, how about you don’t kill Shemech over there. He’s cool, dude!”
“ ‘And of every living thing of all flesh you shall bring two of every sort into the ark, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female. Of the birds after their kind, of animals after their kind, and of every creeping thing of the earth after its kind, two of every kind will come to you to keep them alive.
The kangaroos must have built a boat and sailed up from Australia. Where is there story?
Many have retold this story over the generations, leaving the impression that forty days and forty nights of solid rain was enough to cover the entire the earth. But the truth is that all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, besides the windows of heaven being opened. The water came from above and below!
And where did it all go then? Aliens? I bet it was aliens.
“My family and I were on that ark with every beast after its kind, all cattle after their kind, every creeping thing that creeps on the earth after its kind, and every bird after its kind, every bird of every sort, two by two, of all flesh in which was the breath of life, male and female of all flesh.
And somehow the carnivores didn’t tear through that buffet like hungry Americans.
Well, as you might imagine, all flesh died that moved on the earth: birds and cattle and beasts and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, and every man
And puppies and kitties and babies. Lots and lots of dead babies floating everywhere. Could have made a raft with all the little corpses. God is love!
While I was relieved and grateful that somehow I had found favor in His eyes, imagine how lonely we felt, knowing that at the end of this, we would be the fathers of all the generations yet to come.
Also, all the incest. Just all this crazy sister-fucking, niece fucking, granddaughter fucking incest.
Then God spoke to me, saying, ‘Go out of the ark, you and your wife, and your sons and your sons’ wives with you. Bring out with you every living thing of all flesh that is with you: birds and cattle and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, so that they may abound on the earth, and be fruitful and multiply on the earth.’
And all of the predators agreed to be good sports and go hungry for another year until the herbivores could produce a sustainable ecosystem that could endure their predations! Hooray!
Also, the kangaroos took the ark back to Australia, but swung by Antarctica to drop off the penguins!
Then I built an altar to the Lord and offered burnt offerings to Him.
Yes, kids, I made the unicorns extinct. In hindsight, I should have waited until they had a baby or two before I offered them as burnt offerings to the Lord.
He said, ‘I will never again curse the ground for man’s sake, although the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; nor will I again destroy every living thing as I have done. While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, and day and night shall not cease.’
Then later, He said, “Hahaha… yeah, I’m just fucking with you. I’m totally going to destroy the Earth again with fire.”
Also, thanks, dickhead author of Genesis for giving conservatives this verse so they wouldn’t believe in Climate Change even though this whole fucking story is about a radical instance of climate change.
It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.
Also, Leprechauns will store their pots of gold at the end of them!
So Noah gives an altar call and leaves thanking God for using him to save people from God.