KC: F*** this book edition


The following day, Chloe asks her son Kenny and Kat to drop by.

Bahira, Abdullah’s daughter, was with them. “I’ve just met Kenny’s Kat,” she said. “And I approve.”

Ekaterina looked shocked, and Kenny said, “Bahira! First off, she’s not mine. And second, there’s nothing to approve.”

Kenny is right, of course. Kat doesn’t become his official property until after he pays her father the dowry and her father transfers ownership over to him.

“Ekaterina, how goes your new role?”

“We’re still trying to figure out how it’s going to work, and a certain someone seems very jealous that I seem to have my own agenda, but Mattie is keeping him away from me, as promised.”

So, they’ve made adjustments and they’ve gotten the sexual harasser to knock it off. Problem solved, right?

Oh, no, they haven’t victim blamed Kat yet. That shameless hussy needs to feel some shame because otherwise young Christian girls reading this might think it’s okay to go out to chaste dinner dates with young Christian men.

Fuck this book.

“You know, Bahira,” Chloe said, “it’s actually good that you’re here for this, because this is an awkward meeting. Back before the millennial kingdom, had Kenny’s father and I not gone to heaven, I can imagine having a meeting like this, probably when Kenny reached junior high school or so. I hear all sorts of gossip and talk and who said what about whose boyfriend or girlfriend, and it strikes me that it’s so juvenile for such a time as this. Scripture says that you all are to be considered children until you reach age one hundred, but because you’re twice as old now as my parents were when I died . . . I don’t know; I guess I expect you to be more mature.”

Isn’t Bahira also a Jesus zombie? Wouldn’t she have the magic Jesus zombie juice and be just as mature and connected to Jesus as Chloe? Why are you including her in this little tirade?

Second, this is not Jr. High drama. This is one of your employees sexually harassing another employee and you’re blaming the victim. They went out once. He got obnoxious and sexually harassed her. It’s his fault for not getting the message. Instead of talking to Kat and Kenny, you should be tearing Qasim a new one.

But no, it’s Kat’s fault for being a regular human woman and Kenny’s fault because he discovered new boner feelings in his pants recently.

Also, no one outside your little evangelical bubble ever says, “for such a time as these…” That’s bullshit. Christianese bullshit and it has no place in a literary work. Good day, sirs.

“It’s all of you,” Chloe said. “Ekaterina is the only one still living with her parents, but you’re all old enough to be on your own. It just doesn’t seem like you’re acting it. Shouldn’t we be above all this petty stuff now that we’re living in a time when Jesus is reigning over His millennial kingdom?”

This petty stuff being sexual harassment. Sure, Kat, you didn’t ask for this, but shouldn’t you be above it? Maybe wear a longer skirt.

Fucking rape apology bullshit, man.

“Maybe my brother should be here,” Bahira said. “It was his trying to bring Qasim into the Millennium Force that started a lot of this. Everybody knew it was wrong. Raymie hasn’t been happy about it.”

“Where do you think I’ve been getting my information?” Chloe said. “I’m grateful my brother trusts me enough to confide in me, but I confess he’d not likely be happy to know that I have taken this into my own hands…”

Jesus Christ, how do these Jesus zombies work? I thought you were supposed to have all knowledge and be completely sinless? Why would Raymie through a temper tantrum because Chloe got involved in his business?

Your afterlife is bad and you should feel bad.

“And Bahira, he thinks the world of you.”

“I love him too, you know, in the way that those we met in heaven love each other. Without complication.”

Sex is of the devil! Intimacy is of the devil!

I can’t imagine why so many Christians have really fucked up ideas about sex.

“And that’s the way it should be. Our lives now should be filled with praising and worshiping Jesus

Because a self-sufficient God really needs you to keep blowing his dick apparently.

And if you’re going to have a Millennium Force that mirrors the old Tribulation Force, it needs to be single-minded too. We had one goal, one mission, and that was to thwart Antichrist as best we could by what?”

They all looked blank.

“Come on; did I surprise you with a rhetorical question, or do you really not know? Kenny, I must have bored you to death with this over the last century.”

“By adding as many people to the family of God as you could.”

Well, then maybe you should all be out preaching in nightclubs now instead of… oh, fuck it.

Meanwhile, let’s jump back over to fucking Abdullah who is startled by a knock on his door and fuck it, it’s just Qasim.

Abdullah looked to Yasmine, who signaled him to open the door. She immediately rose to get them something to eat and drink.

Once again, your afterlife, ladies, is to live in a sexless world where you serve men.

Anyway, Qasim is here to exposition to Abdullah about the Other Light people in Jordan. Yeah, that’s it.

Kenny found himself confiding more and more in Ekaterina. She had taken well his mother’s admonitions and proved more than spiritually mature in her response. Nightly now they spent hours together, talking until it was time to go to their respective homes. They told each other every detail of their lives they could remember. Kenny wasn’t entirely sure where Ekaterina’s heart was, but she had stolen his. He prayed his love for her would not interfere with his devotion to Christ, and that was the subject of his nearly constant prayer.

So constant shame, anxiety, and prayers of repentance.

This is perfectly normal and can only be healthy for your relationship.

Also, Kat has now accepted the fact that her sexual harassment is her fault.

This is also perfectly healthy.

Fuck this book.

Kenny gets a letter from the Jospins and are we still going on with this bullshit? Didn’t your mom just say that the work you should be doing is to get more people to say the magic Jesus words? Why the fuck are you still going on with this pointless idea to play superspy? You have their manifesto. You know the future. Shouldn’t you just be doing what you’re doing with the kids and making sure they say the magic Jesus words?

Seriously, fuck this book.

Blah, blah, blah, be a spy for us, the Jospins say. We can fly you Paris if you want to meet.

No, really… fuck this book.

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