10 Gift Ideas for Christians in your life that you hate…


I was surfing around online and came across a Christian gift idea so stunningly awful that it sent me down the rabbit hole of unintentionally funny or bad Christian gifts. So to help you with your holiday shopping for your devout Christian friends and family, I’d like to present to you my holiday gift guide for Christians in your life that you hate.

Finally, a holiday gift for the Evangelical Christian who is also a massive Sons of Anarchy fan in your life:

bikerjesus

 

I hope your game at getting into heaven is better than your game on the court, son, or you will get REJECTED again!

basketball Jesus
Seriously, Jesus is like, “GET THAT LAYUP SHIT OUT OF MY FATHER’S HOUSE!”

Speaking of “Sports fan Jesus,” do you know what a 1st century Judean rabbi who lived in a desert his entire life would be super good at? HOCKEY!

hockey jesus

Continuing on the Sports theme, did you ever want a picture of ‘roided up Jesus pinning 19th century philosopher Karl Marx? You do nowMMAJesus

“BLESSED ARE THE RICH, KARL! FOR THEY ARE THE JOB MAKERS! OH YEAAAAAAAH!”

Continuing on with bad T-shirts, is this gem:

hentai jesus

Which I almost feel bad making fun of it, because I can just imagine it’s the product of some desperate wife out there saying, “Honey, I love Macross and Dragon Ball Z too, but you have to stop looking at tentacle porn! How can I compete with a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl with 44DDD breasts being raped by a tentacle monster?”

Also, obvious joke, “In Japan, Jesus always comes first…” is obvious.

And in more sex ideas, as if sex between two guilt ridden virgins who had been trained to think of sex as evil their entire lives wasn’t awkward enough, here’s a constant reminder that each time you do it with your spouse, it’s always a threesome because Jesus is there.

threesomejesus

He’s watching you guys. He knows where you’ve asked Sarah to stick that dildo, Bob… Marriage takes three…

And if you needed another reminder, Ghost Jesus is watching you masturbate.

ghostjesus

If you travel North, you’ll find Superman and Santa and Jesus.

GodCompass

The Lord might be my strength, but this is my knife. There are many like it, but this one is mine…

godknife

Are you a Christian who wants to let everyone know that you haven’t actually read the words of Jesus Christ?

Look no further than this gem of a coffee mug:

TrumpJesusmug

Heaven is a GATED COMMUNITY, LIBTARDS! WOO!

I hope that helps with your Christmas shopping, everyone.

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One thought on “10 Gift Ideas for Christians in your life that you hate…

  1. jonolan

    Honestly – and this is a bit scary – most of those aren’t that bad in that I know many Christians who would either like them or, at least, not be bothered by them. And I’m so getting that knife next year for one of them.

    Like

    Reply

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