WHEN DAVID, the king of Jerusalem and Jesus’ prince’
And murderer and rapist…
strode onto COT property, Cameron buzzed Chloe and they rolled into action. Word spread quickly throughout the staff that it was time to round up all the kids and get them in place.
Truly all of the children need to hear from this great model for human behavior.
“Greetings, greetings,” David called out. “Thanks for inviting me and for your attention. I have a most busy rest of the day at the temple
Doing what exactly? What do all these assholes actually do?
It begins when I was the same age as many of you.
Then I became a child soldier, fell in love with a prince, and had a homicidal king try to murder me constantly. Then I became an outlaw extorting protection money from local farmers. Then I betrayed my country and joined the Philistines. Then I slaughtered just a lot of innocent Gentile villages down to every man, woman, and child like you, stole their shit, and gave a portion to the king I took an oath to and lied to him about it coming from the Israelis. Then, after a series of extremely convenient murders (wink wink), I became King of Israel, where I continued to loot and plunder the lands around me until I raped a friend’s wife and had him murdered. But I digress…
Once our neighboring enemies, the Philistines, gathered their armies together for battle at Sochoh, which belonged to Judah. Saul and the men of Israel, including my brothers, were encamped in the Valley of Elah and drew up in battle array against the Philistines. Now picture this: the Philistines stood on a mountain on one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side, with a valley between them.
“A champion came out from the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, from Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. You know from hearing Noah’s story how long a cubit is. Well, a span is about half a cubit, so in today’s measures, we would say Goliath was about nine feet nine inches tall.”
The children seemed to gasp as one.
David laughed. “Oh, believe me, I know how big he was, for I saw him, and I was still but a lad!
Funny story, Children. Actually, I didn’t see him at all. There was actually this guy named Elhanan. He was a tough solider and he killed Goliath. Yeah, I know. Somehow the story got attributed to me, but Elhanan did it. Seriously, if you read the story you all know, you can see that a lot of the details clash and don’t make much sense. But ancient scribes tried their best to reconcile the details, but I ended up with the legend of killing Goliath. You can see the truth in 2 Samuel 21:19. Now I know some of your bibles try to say that Elhanan killed the brother of Goliath, but that bit was added by a scribe almost 600-700 years after the fact in the Chronicles books.
Anyway, let’s just pretend that I did kill Goliath…
“Goliath cried out to the armies of Israel, ‘Why have you come out to line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and you the servants of Saul? Choose a man and let him come down to me. If he is able to kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us. I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.’
So you know this story. David’s dad sends him off to the army camp with supplies and David hears Goliath’s challenge. David decides to go kill Goliath. And everyone from the king on down says, “Yeah… okay, let’s bet our future and our freedom on a thirteen year old kid fighting a professional soldier almost twice his height.”
David kills Goliath with a sling and a stone and cuts off Goliath’s head with his own sword.
“I took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem and presented it to Saul.”
This was not the grossest thing I presented to Saul as tribute. It was foreskins. Bags of foreskins. I handled a LOT of penises, kids.
“I have many stories I could tell,” he said, “of how King Saul eventually turned on me and hated me and tried to kill me. Of his son Jonathan, who became my best friend.
Yes, I did mean to do air quotes around “Best friend”. We were gay. Totally gay. Well, I was bi. He was gay.
Of the time when I sinned greatly against the Lord and was abject in my sorrow and repentance until He forgave me.
And killed my baby instead of me. And then God arranged to have ten of my wives raped in public. But he didn’t kill me. So I had that going for me.
I was eventually crowned king of Israel, and late in my reign it came to pass that I was dwelling in my house, and the Lord had given me rest from all my enemies.
Because my armies had killed them all, kids. No magic there. Just I was a brutal warlord who subdued every nation and tribe around me.
David wants to build a Temple of YHWH, but YHWH says, “Dude… you’re a killer. I can’t have that.”
“Haven’t you killed like billions of people, Lord?”
“Huh… you’re right. You’d be the perfect guy to build me a temple. But, uh… I guess have your son do it.”
”The one you didn’t kill?”
“Yeah… uh, the one I didn’t kill.”
“Then the Lord told Nathan of me, ‘Your house and your kingdom shall be established forever before you. Your throne shall be established forever*.’
*Forever should not mean forever. It means spiritually forever because we read the bible literally and reading it literally sometimes means we have to read it figuratively because what it literally says contradicts other passages in the bible, history, or archeology.
Haha… I mean, if we read the bible literally here than the… bible… would be… wrong… ha ha…? Oh, God, I’ve wasted my entire life on this bullshit.
“Now, children, I want you to rise, and I want to teach you the proper way to worship the Lord God of Hosts, Jehovah, Messiah.”
Strip down to your underwear and dance suggestively like I did!
And then David quotes a bunch of Psalms and apparates back to the Temple like some Harry Potter level shit there.