The temptations of Jesus…


“Wait, so you’re god, but god sent you out here to the wilderness for forty days with no food and no water?”

“Yeah… it’s… complicated.”

“Well, why don’t you just make some bread to eat out of these rocks?”

“Man will not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

“You know that’s bullshit, right? Like if you don’t eat, you’ll starve to death. Like those millions of kids every year who aren’t magically sustained by “your word.””

“Ouch…”

“Yeah, I’m not the one sitting on my ass letting it happen.”

“God will provide…”

“Like he provides for the aforementioned starving children?”

“Stop that! You’re ruining the script!”

“Okay… what else… you’re going to be persecuted and hated by men… right… why don’t you leap off the Temple spire and have some angels catch you. That should convince everyone you’re god.”

“You shall not tempt the Lord your God…”

“You’re kidding?”

“No…”

“I mean, you’re tempting God right now by saying he’s gonna feed you magically and keep you from dying instead of taking it into your own hands to feed yourself like any sane person would.”

“Yeah, but-“

“’I sent you a boat and a helicopter!’ Never heard that joke?”

“You’re really making this worse.”

“What if I bring you food? Does that make me god? Or would you have to turn it down and wait for literal manna from heaven?”

“I don’t…”

“Hell, what if I gave you the world on a plate? Made you Caesar Jesus of Nazareth without all the nasty hatred and persecution and death? World peace. Jesus reigns forever. Physical literal proof of god for all mankind forever. No one goes to hell with me and the boys. I dare say that would make me a better god than Jehovah.”

“Stop it!”

“I’m better than Jeho-vah! I’m better than Je-ho-vah!”

“Just get out of here, would you!?”

“Alright, but don’t come crying to me when Jehovah fucks you over and billions of people still go to hell and 99% of your followers turn out to be assholes.”

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