The Bible: How it should have ended…


Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and God said to her, “Seriously? I’m gone for like five seconds and you’re going to take advice from a talking snake? Do you even know his name?”

“Uh… no, I don’t.”

“Then why the hell would you listen to him?”

“I was literally born yesterday.”

“Okay, so I obviously need to create a school system. First lesson, Eve. Don’t listen to talking snakes. They’re bad. Really, don’t listen to ANY talking animals as a rule. This isn’t fucking Narnia. Talking animals don’t exist. Second, his name is Gary. Gary, in particular, is an asshole. That’s why he’s a snake instead of a real badass and metal gold dragon. Hi, Bob.”

Bob the badass and metal gold dragon flew over and waved at God.

“Thirdly, Eve, that fruit there will mess you up. Like really mess you up. Like, war, famine, disease, Republicans… cancer… do you know what cancer is, Eve, because I do, and it’s really shitty.”

“But you said I would die.”

“Yeah, eventually, but some really horrible things are going to happen to everyone first.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“And that’s okay, because I’m not some monster who would stand by watching you make an uninformed decision that would have horrific consequences for eons and then bust you and yell at you for making the wrong decision. I’m just trying to be a decent omniscient, omnigender god here, Eve. I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks, God. Oh, and Gary?”

“Yesss, Eve?”

“Fuck off.”

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