Category Archives: Adulting

Daily Word of Wisdom

Love your neighbor as yourself.

If you can’t manage that, just try to be kind…

If you can’t manage that, then just don’t be a jackass.

And if you can’t manage that, just stay home and try not to talk to anybody.

The path to happiness…

Alright, let’s rip the band-aid off, shall we?

There is no one path to happiness or fulfillment or joy or success.

I am sorry to be the one to tell you that, but at the same time, I’m not sorry at all.

Because you’ve likely been told this lie in one form or another for your entire life. If you just do this, you’ll be happy. If you just follow these steps that I’ve found in life or the bible or the writing of Tony Robbins, you’ll finally find happiness. If you just obey what I’m telling you, you’ll find success, joy, fulfillment, and your “god-given” role.

Yes, with three easy steps, you can discover the meaning to life!

No, you can’t.

Well, at least you can’t like that.

Because there is no one path to happiness, fulfillment, joy, or success.

There isn’t even one definition of those things.

No, my dear human, if you want to find or even define those things, you’re going to have to do it yourself.

There is no one size fits all key to marriage.

There is no one solution for succeeding in your career.

There is no surefire instruction for being a good parent.

This is not to say that there aren’t good general moral and ethical guidelines you can use in your own journey, but it is saying that no two people will follow the same path to those goals.

Like every explorer in ancient times, you’re simply going to have to take the best instruments you can find, plot your own course, and find your own path. Maybe that path won’t lead you where you think you want to go.

It’s rather frightening, I know.

It’s much easier to buy into the programs others are selling you. The fake maps that promise surety. The fake guides that tell you that a city of gold or fountain of youth await just over the next mountaintop if you follow their paths.

But those paths will never lead you to where they promised.

You’re going to have to find your own way.

And maybe you won’t find the fountain of youth or your city of gold. Maybe you’ll find your Yosemite instead. It’s not where you wanted to go, but when you get there, you find it’s where you needed to be.

But I can’t promise you that.

All I can promise you is that you have a much better chance of finding your way to happiness going down your own path than you do following any “7 easy steps to true happiness.”

Now, get your instruments, plot that course, and may the winds be at your back.

Adulting 101: Doing the Laundry

Having bravely moved out of your parents’ home, you will inevitably be faced with the chore of cleaning your clothes or the clothes of your own family. As a proud and functional member of society and a Gen Xer, I am here to help my younger Millennial cohorts with learning the proper way to perform this task.

Step 1: Determine if you need to do your laundry.

Things to consider:

  • Have I really been wearing the same pair of jeans since Martin Luther King Day?
  • Was this T-shirt always polka dotted or are these food stains?
  • Why is my underwear trying to crawl out the bedroom door?

Step 2: I’m probably good for one more day.

Step 3: One week later. Okay. It’s time to wash the clothes.

Step 4: Take your hamper of colored clothes to your washing machine… okay… okay… that was probably too hopeful on my part…

Step 4: Go on a scavenger hunt to find your clothes and your children’s clothes.

“Okay, I’ve looked under the beds, couches, behind doors, on the floor… hey… we have hardwood floors? Honey, did you know we have hardwood floors?”

Step 5: Sort your laundry out into your hampers. Designate one hamper for white clothing and one hamper for colored clothing.

“Hey! That’s separate, but equal, pal, and I’m not racist.”

That’s not what I meant. Oh… you’re just going to cram it all into one hamper… wow… okay, so you’re probably going to skip Step 6 too.

Step 6: Carefully check all of the pockets for foreign objects that might stain your clothing or damage your… and now you’re standing on the hamper trying to shove it all down… no, no, I’m sure that’s equally good.

Step 7: Load your washing machine. While filling up the washing machine, you should leave some empty space at the top so as not to overload… or… okay, yes, I suppose you could put a box of your old college textbooks on top of the lid so it stays down. But I’m pretty sure that’s not recommended by the washing machine’s manufacturer, but what do they know, right?

Step 8: Add laundry detergent. You will want to carefully measure out the proper amount of detergent… or you could just fill up the container to the brim…

Step 9: Select your wash cycle. There is no cycle for “I just jammed everything into this stupid fucking machine because I want this to be fucking over with” so let’s go with Normal.

Step 10: Start your washing machine. Ignore any unusual sounds you hear during operation… but you may want to double check and count your children and pets… just in case.

Step 11: Take a break. Enjoy your free time while the washing machine magically makes your clothes not stink.

Step 12: Come back in four or five days. Realize you fucking forgot to move the laundry from the washing machine to the dryer and rewash your clothing with vinegar to try and destroy the funky smell they now have. It won’t work, but instead of smelling like moldy cheese, your clothing will smell like moldy cheese with vinegar! And that will remind people of salads.

Step 13: Okay, seriously, I did this again? Rewash the laundry one more time.

Step 14: Put your laundry into the dryer. You will notice that all of your white clothes are now a lovely shade of pink from being washed with your red shirts. Also, I’m pretty sure there was a pen, a marker, a crayon, and some caramels in the pockets that are now scattered and dyed into your other clothes.

Step 15: Check the dryer’s lint trap and clean it out. Lint is highly flammable… No? You’re not going to do that. You’re going to start the machine on high? Have you checked the tags on your clothes-? Okay, fine.

Step 15: Start the dryer. Hope for the best.

Step 16: Grab the fire extinguisher and scream at your significant other to call 911.

Step 17: Buy new clothes with the insurance settlement.

I hope this guide has helped you. You are now one step closer to being a functional adult.

Adulting 101: How to clean your house

It comes to my attention that some people might need some help transitioning into adulthood. And as a successful, fully-functional and well-adjusted member of society, I think I can be of assistance to you.

So, you have your own place. Good. But do you know how to keep it neat and tidy? Simply follow these easy steps and you too can have a clean house.

Step 1: Determine to clean the house.
Step 2: Assess the state of your house’s filth.
Step 3: Fuck this shit. No. I’ll do it on the weekend. Watch TV instead.
Step 4: Wait, is that a raccoon picking through garbage in the corner? Fine. I suppose it’s time to clean.
Step 5: Oh, fuck this fucking fuck fuck who the fuck just throws trash on the fucking ground? Fuck!
Step 6: Is that… it is… they put food in their fucking closet. Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.
Step 7: Find and sort mail from January… of last year.
Step 9: Reconsider your choices in life. Okay, my kids are at church… my wife isn’t home yet. If I leave now, I can be in Mexico before they notice.
Step 10: Reconsider your reconsideration. Maybe it would just be easier to set the house on fire and start over?
Step 12: Put away laundry for the two children you have and the eight children whose laundry they apparently contracted you to wash because how the fuck can two children have so many fucking clothes?
Step 13: Drink.
Step 14: Drink.
Step 15: Reconsider your life choices again. “Why can’t I have a nice clean house? I bet if I were gay, I could have a nice house. They always seem to have nice houses on HGTV.”
Step 16: Drink.
Step 17: Drink
Step 1… what step… what the fuck was I writing? Fuck it. I’m watching TV.

And that, dear Millennials, is how you clean your house.