Category Archives: Children

A Tale of Two Countries…


The king was a vain, insecure man. A vicious brute who would last out and murder his critics. A small man trying to be big. He built monuments to himself and his glory.

And when the Kingdom of Heaven was at his doorstep, challenging his insecurities, calling him to a better path, he did what all small, insecure men do, he bullied the weak, the powerless, and the helpless.

He stole their children.

16 Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the wise men. 17 Then was fulfilled what was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying:

18 “A voice was heard in Ramah,
Lamentation, weeping, and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children,
Refusing to be comforted,
Because they are no more.”

The Kingdom of Heaven, if there is such a thing anymore, still calls out. It still stands on the doorstep. It still challenges venal, insecure brutes to let go and act to help the weak, the powerless, and the helpless.

And wicked tyrants still lash out at the vulnerable.

So it goes…

But please, do tell me of your good Christian virtues and how God anointed this pathetic waste of a human soul to lead this country to ‘greatness’.

Life with a Preschooler – a three act play


I love my daughter. I really do… but some days…

Act 1 – The Family Dinner

Child: What did you make for dinner, Daddy?

Dad: Meatball soup.

Child: I don’t like that.

Dad: Yes, you do. It has potatoes, meatballs, and soup. You like those things.

Child: I don’t like that.

Dad: Eat it. And you’re welcome.

Child: Aw, man…

Dad: If you eat your dinner, you can have apple pie afterwards with mommy, daddy, and your brother.

Child takes two bites of the broth.

Child: Can I have dessert?

Dad: No.

Child: (Whining voice) Why nooooooot?

Dad: Because you haven’t eaten your dinner.

Child: I did eat it!

Dad: Eat. Your. Dinner.

Child stares at bowl for ten minutes, stirs the soup around for a bit. Stares at it again.

Child: Can I have dessert now?

Dad: No.

Child: (Whining voice) Why noooooot?

Act 2 – Dessert in the living room.

Mom, Dad, and Brother are eating pie in the living room watching TV. Child climbs up on couch next to Dad. Puts her hand in his apple pie.

Dad: No! What are you doing? Moves her hands away.

Child puts her feet up by Dad’s face.

Mom: Knock it off now.

Child sits up and puts hands on Dad’s plate near pie. Dad moves hands away.

Dad: Last warning, kiddo.

Child ignores Dad. Puts hands back Dad’s arm near the plate as he’s trying to take a bite of apple pie.

Dad: Okay, go get me a toy. I told you to stop and you didn’t. Now you owe me a toy.

Child: NO! I just wanted to hug you!

Dad: That isn’t what you were doing. Go get me a toy, or I’ll choose one myself.

Child: No! No!

Mom: Okay, Dad can choose the toy to take away and now you owe us a time out.

Child: No!

Dad goes to get a toy. Child tries to physically block him from her room. Dad ignores her. Picks a cheap happy meal toy Child has had buried in  a drawer for six months.

Child: NO! THAT’S MY FAVORITE! NO! TAKE THIS OTHER TOY YOU BOUGHT ME AS A PRESENT! I DON”T LIKE THAT ONE ANYMORE!

Dad contemplates inventing time machine to go back in time and warn past self to wear a condom.

Mom: Go to timeout.

Child: NO!

Mom: You don’t say no to us. Go to time out or Dad will have to take another toy.

Child: NO!

Dad takes another toy.

CHILD: NO! I’m SLEEPY! I’m so tired!

Mom: Then you can go to bed if you’re not going to listen.

Child: NO!

Act 3- Early bed time.

Child uses whining voice throughout entire act.

Dad: Get in your pajamas, please.

Child: No!

Dad: Does daddy have to dress you like when you were a baby or are you going to be a big girl and put on your pajamas?

Child: I don’t want to go to bed.

Dad: Your choices are bed or time out. Pick one.

Child: I just want to watch TV

Dad: Well, you could, if you went to timeout and sat quietly for four minutes.

Child tries timeout. Plays with a toy she found buried under a chair. Dad takes it away. Child puts feet up on the wall. Mom tells her to stop. Child ignores Mom.

Dad: Well, this isn’t working, so back to bed.

Child: No!

Dad carries her to bed. Child kicks and cries the entire time.

Dad: Okay, put your pajamas on.

Child: No!

Dad: Do you need help with your dress?

Starts to unzip the back of dress.

Child: I”LL DO IT!

Dad: Okay, Sweetie. You do it.

Child changes Clothes. Dad tucks her in.

Dad: You know, I don’t like punishing you. I just want you to listen to mommy and daddy.

Child cries, then starts playing with a toy.

Dad: (Sigh) Fine. Good night.

Child comes out of room four more times, loses two more toys. Dad almost starts dropping F-bombs on multiple occasions. Manages to refrain, but does mutter, “Jesus Christ….” under his breath once before drinking a few glasses of wine and wondering about that time machine again. 

End scene.

Nerd News Roundup


The Lego Movie: 

This should be subtitled, “Daddy, I want it! I want it! Please buy it for me! PLEEEEEASE!”

The only other notable thing is that given how well the WB folks handle the DC properties when it comes to movies, this will probably be the only time you’ll see Superman and Batman in the same movie.

X-men

Director Bryan Singer tweeted out this teaser picture of a speech from Nixon. I’m guessing Magneto is probably behind the incident in Paris that will lead to Dick selling the public on funding giant death robots.

X_Men_Days_of_Future_Past_38136

Whether or not that will also include headless Spiro Agnew is still open for debate.

Spider-man

Before Spiderman Tutu has even finished filming, Sony has decided to give it two more sequels coming out in 2016 and 2018.

No word on whether or not Spider-man 3-2 will feature dance and musical numbers and 2 hours of everyone crying or not.

 

Oh, Good Lord…


I know I’m late on this, but this is just insane.

Thanks to a new law privatizing public education in Louisiana, Bible-based curriculum can now indoctrinate young, pliant minds with the good news of the Lord—all on the state taxpayers’ dime.

Under Gov. Bobby Jindal’s voucher program, considered the most sweeping in the country, Louisiana is poised to spend tens of millions of dollars to help poor and middle-class students from the state’s notoriously terrible public schools receive a private education. While the governor’s plan sounds great in the glittery parlance of the state’s PR machine, the program is rife with accountability problems that actually haven’t been solved by the new standards the Louisiana Department of Education adopted two weeks ago.

Some of the low lights:

3. “God used the Trail of Tears to bring many Indians to Christ.”—America: Land That I Love, Teacher ed., A Beka Book, 1994

You left out that God also gave them casinos, so they’ve got that going for them too. Sorry about the thousands of your dead relatives that our interpretation of scripture says are now burning in hell for all eternity. Omelet, eggs, you know the drill…

5. Slave masters were nice guys: “A few slave holders were undeniably cruel. Examples of slaves beaten to death were not common, neither were they unknown. The majority of slave holders treated their slaves well.”—United States History for Christian Schools, 2nd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 1991

Sure they stole your labor, your children, sold your family, beat you mercilessly, betrayed the United States, and killed several hundred thousands of their countrymen to continue to exploit and dominate you, but hey, some of them were otherwise pretty nice guys.

6. The KKK was A-OK: “[The Ku Klux] Klan in some areas of the country tried to be a means of  reform,  fighting the decline in morality and using the symbol of the  cross. Klan  targets were bootleggers, wife-beaters, and immoral movies.  In some  communities it achieved a certain respectability as it worked  with  politicians.”—United States History for Christian Schools, 3rd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 2001

Oh, sweet flippin’ Buddha on a bike, that’s like saying the Nazis weren’t so bad because they got the trains running on time. Sure the trains were full of Jews half-starved and ready to be exterminated, but the trains ran on time.

If you’re using your ‘religion’ to justify a terrorist organization that murdered innocent men and denied others their rights as free Americans, your religion sucks.

 

Blessed chaos…


Sitting in the middle of two toddlers and two little dachsies all vying for my attention.

All is right with the world.