Category Archives: Christmas

10 Gift Ideas for Christians in your life that you hate…


I was surfing around online and came across a Christian gift idea so stunningly awful that it sent me down the rabbit hole of unintentionally funny or bad Christian gifts. So to help you with your holiday shopping for your devout Christian friends and family, I’d like to present to you my holiday gift guide for Christians in your life that you hate.

Finally, a holiday gift for the Evangelical Christian who is also a massive Sons of Anarchy fan in your life:

bikerjesus

 

I hope your game at getting into heaven is better than your game on the court, son, or you will get REJECTED again!

basketball Jesus
Seriously, Jesus is like, “GET THAT LAYUP SHIT OUT OF MY FATHER’S HOUSE!”

Speaking of “Sports fan Jesus,” do you know what a 1st century Judean rabbi who lived in a desert his entire life would be super good at? HOCKEY!

hockey jesus

Continuing on the Sports theme, did you ever want a picture of ‘roided up Jesus pinning 19th century philosopher Karl Marx? You do nowMMAJesus

“BLESSED ARE THE RICH, KARL! FOR THEY ARE THE JOB MAKERS! OH YEAAAAAAAH!”

Continuing on with bad T-shirts, is this gem:

hentai jesus

Which I almost feel bad making fun of it, because I can just imagine it’s the product of some desperate wife out there saying, “Honey, I love Macross and Dragon Ball Z too, but you have to stop looking at tentacle porn! How can I compete with a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl with 44DDD breasts being raped by a tentacle monster?”

Also, obvious joke, “In Japan, Jesus always comes first…” is obvious.

And in more sex ideas, as if sex between two guilt ridden virgins who had been trained to think of sex as evil their entire lives wasn’t awkward enough, here’s a constant reminder that each time you do it with your spouse, it’s always a threesome because Jesus is there.

threesomejesus

He’s watching you guys. He knows where you’ve asked Sarah to stick that dildo, Bob… Marriage takes three…

And if you needed another reminder, Ghost Jesus is watching you masturbate.

ghostjesus

If you travel North, you’ll find Superman and Santa and Jesus.

GodCompass

The Lord might be my strength, but this is my knife. There are many like it, but this one is mine…

godknife

Are you a Christian who wants to let everyone know that you haven’t actually read the words of Jesus Christ?

Look no further than this gem of a coffee mug:

TrumpJesusmug

Heaven is a GATED COMMUNITY, LIBTARDS! WOO!

I hope that helps with your Christmas shopping, everyone.

Weird Wednesdays: In which we find a New Testament passage Christians generally ignore…


Most of the odd things found in the bible happen in the Old Testament, but there are a few weird gems in the New Testament as well:

1st Timothy 2:9-15

Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments,10 but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness. 11 A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. 12 But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. 13 For it was Adam who was first created,and then Eve. 14 And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression. 15 But women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.

No one follows the entire bible.

And that’s not a bad thing. The lack of stonings in our society is a good thing. Hearing women’s opinions on matters of interest is a good thing. Bacon is an awesome thing.

I know Chrisitan theologians will come up with a rather complex system for why they determine that they can ignore one passage while another passage is binding, but that’s all it is really: an invention. It hides the fact that, yes, some of the bible verses are archaic and steeped within the culture of the writer. A fact that biblical literalists generally do not like to admit.

More gift ideas for the faithful…


Not to just pick on the Scientologists, here are 20 more gift ideas for the religious folks in your life. The main difference is that these gifts will only set you back maybe $20.

Having worked in a Christian retailer for a number of years, I can assure you that I’ve seen most of these in real life. And that makes me incredibly depressed.

Bah, humbug.

cat

In the spirit of the holidays…


The worst nativity sets ever. (via The Thinking Atheist)

Having worked in a Christian retailer for several years, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the nativity set of bears before, so yes, I can believe that all of these and many tackier things like them exist.