Category Archives: End Times

KC: The Idiot Plot Thickens…


KENNY HAD cleared several days off so he could complete his clandestine mission to Paris, but almost as soon as he got there he heard from Ekaterina, asking whether he could return and postpone his trip.

So Kenny is headed to Paris for really no good reason. Nothing comes of his trip. Nothing. He learns nothing. The Jr. God Squad learn nothing. There is no point to this excursion.

But despite learning from Kat that David is going to speak at the God’s School for Orphans He Made, Kenny is determined to drag this pointless bullshit out until Jerry Jenkins makes his page count, damn it!

“But I prayed about this, sweetheart. I know this is where God wants me…”

I know in this universe, God is real, but can I just tell you how many people I’ve known who were certain that God was speaking to them and telling them to do something and they did it and it exploded in their faces?

A lot.

That voice in your head, folks? That’s you. That’s not God. That’s not the Holy Spirit. That’s your brain talking to you.

Some of you might think you’re God, but no, it’s just your meat brain thinking stuff because of biochemical processes.

“Well, I’ll bet ol’ Qasim makes this one for sure.”

“Actually, he’s off the rest of this week too.”

You know, at this point, you’d think our idiot “heroes” would know that Qasim is compromised, but no. They have to carry the idiot ball further because we need pointless conflict, damn it.

So we’re back to Abdullah. This time he chats with Mudawar who is going to be visited by some higher ups on the Other Light organization. Abdullah offers to help clean the offices, but insists that he will be there when they arrive and suggests Mudawar paint the whole thing as his idea to contain the crazy Christian.

So Kenny finally meets with Lothair and Ignacio and we get some pointless spycraft bullshit before they start sharing their plans with him, which involves luring 30-60 year old “Kids” into parties and booze and drugs.

“You got a better idea?”

“Sure! Beat the believers at their own game. Raise up impressive, bright, humble young people who are a credit to society but who disagree about the future. Wouldn’t that be way more attractive to your potential recruits than thinking that this is all about getting away with illegal stuff?”

Lothair squinted at Kenny. “But how do you do that? How do you reach them? How do we make our side appealing?”

You don’t. Not in this universe.

“God is dead!”

“No, he’s not. He’s in Jerusalem.”

“Well, he’s a tyrant!”

“Yeah, but what choice do we have?”

“Fight Him!”

“Have you tried that?”

“What?”

“Fighting God? Have you tried to kill any of the Christians or zombies?”

“No.”

“But you’re assuming that some time in the next 900 years, you’ll invent a God killing weapon?”

“No… but there will be an army of us.”

“An army against an immortal army and an all powerful deity. What do you plan to do in the meantime?”

“Die at 100!”

“Die and go to God’s torture pit?”

“Yes! But when Satan wins, he’ll resurrect us!”

“So if you manage to pull off a miracle and kill an immortal army and an all powerful deity, then Satan becomes New God and you end up serving him forever?”

“Yes…”

“Which is different from being a slave to a tyrant… how?”

“Reasons!”

“Get the fuck out.”

But our three idiots think Kenny makes sense.

The three sat as if thinking, and Ignace began to nod. “You may be on to something.

And they invite him to Jordan to meet the group there. I wonder if they’ll run into Abdullah! Awkward and unnecessary tension coming! Gasp!

KC: Killing in the name of Love edition


Joshua and Caleb arrive and Cameron has the kids say a bible verse.

Cameron cued the kids, and from thousands of young voices came: “ ‘The Lord’s anger was aroused on that day, and He swore an oath, saying, “Surely none of the men who came up from Egypt, from twenty years old and above, shall see the land of which I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, because they have not wholly followed Me, except Caleb the son of Jephunneh, the Kenizzite, and Joshua the son of Nun, for they have wholly followed the Lord.”’ ”

Ah, the warm fuzzy love of God. Buckle up, because a lot more of that love is coming our way.

“Joshua and I were born in Egypt, while our parents and all the children of Israel were slaves.

Because God forced them to go there to be slaves.

Joshua and I experienced everything the rest of our tribes went through in the wilderness after escaping. Joshua proved to be a mighty man of valor, serving as a commander in the great war against the Amalekites.

That would be the war where God played a fun little game with the Israelites where they would lose the battle and be killed if Moses couldn’t hold up his hands to God.

Television hadn’t been invented back then and God really wanted some good quality entertainment.

“One day the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, ‘Send men to spy out the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the children of Israel; from each tribe of their fathers you shall send a man, every one a leader among them.’

Excuse me. Why did God, the all-knowing and omnipresent, need to send in spies? Couldn’t God just tell Moses where to go and attack?

I’m starting to think God set you up to take a fall.

“We finally returned from spying out the land after forty days, bringing back word to Moses and his brother, Aaron, and all the congregation of the children of Israel, and we showed them the fruit of the land. We told Moses in front of all the others, ‘The land where you sent us truly flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit. Nevertheless the people who dwell in the land are strong; the cities are fortified and very large.’

Uh… guys… maybe let’s not share the Intelligence briefing with the entire nation?

But all the congregation lifted up their voices and cried, and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel complained against Moses and Aaron, and the whole congregation said to them, ‘If only we had died in the land of Egypt! Or if only we had died in this wilderness! Why has the Lord brought us to this land to fall by the sword, that our wives and children should become victims? Would it not be better for us to return to Egypt?’

“So they said to one another, ‘Let us select a leader and return to Egypt.’

Egypt’s not there, man. God killed it like 50 times over according to the Exodus story.

But Josh and Caleb try to calm them and the mob turns on them.

“Then the Lord said to Moses: ‘How long will these people reject Me? And how long will they not believe Me, with all the signs which I have performed among them? I will strike them with the pestilence and disinherit them, and I will make of you a nation greater and mightier than they.’

I’m going to kill them all, says the Lord.

Yes, because they were fearful, God wants to murder them all. And this is seen as a good and just thing for God to do.

But Moses talks God out of going full Hitler by appealing to God’s vanity. Yes, he appeals to God’s vanity.

“ ‘Now if You kill these people, then the nations which have heard of Your fame will speak, saying, “Because the Lord was not able to bring this people to the land which He swore to give them, therefore He killed them in the wilderness.” ’

Now, God, if you go full Hitler, then all of the other nations are going to talk shit about you and think you’re too weak to kill all the Canaanites and give their land to the Jews.

So God thinks about that, “Yes, it would suck to have all the nations on Earth talk shit about me. Okay, go wander around in the wilderness for forty years until they’re all dead and I’ll give the land to their kids.”

So we fast forward forty years and Josh is in command now and God has to give him a pep talk. And all of Israel says, “Yep, you’re our new leader and we’ll kill anyone who says otherwise.”

“Joshua sent out two men to spy secretly on Jericho. So they went and came to the house of a harlot named Rahab

Also, they came at the house of a harlot named Rahab. Several times.

Rahab helps the spies escape her king’s soldiers in exchange for the promise that the Jews won’t kill her and her family.

This is one of those situational ethics scenarios for Christians. You see, Rahab has just committed treason. She has condemned her entire city to death in exchange for mercy for her and her family.  She, in effect, has sold her neighbors and countrymen out to the enemy. But this is seen as a good thing because that enemy was supposedly commanded by God to kill them all.

If you really want to see some intellectual gymnastics ask about Benedict Arnold who tries to sell the Revolutionaries out to the British and point out that the British were technically the legitimate government of the American colonies and the Revolutionaries were rebelling against the government that God had ordained for them.

Bible ethics are fun.

God stops the river Jordan and lets the Jews cross over to Jericho.

“I called the priests together and told them what the Lord had told me. And I instructed the people, ‘Proceed, and march around the city, and let him who is armed advance before the ark of the Lord. You shall not shout, nor shall a word proceed out of your mouth, until the day I say to you, “Shout!” Then you shall shout.’

“So I had the ark of the Lord circle the city, going around it once. Then we came into the camp and lodged. And I rose early in the morning, and the second day did the same thing. We did this every day for six days as the Lord had commanded.

“Well, you know what happened next, so perhaps my friend and I should leave now?”

The children leaped to their feet, crying, “No! No! Stay and tell the rest!”

Tell us the best part where you killed everyone! Woo!

Joshua smiled broadly and signaled them to sit and be quiet. “All right, you persuaded me. On the seventh day we rose about dawn and marched around the city, only this day we circled it seven times. On the seventh time around, when the priests blew their trumpets, I said to the people, ‘Shout, for the Lord has given you the city! The city shall be doomed by the Lord to destruction, it and all who are in it. Only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all who are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent. All the silver and gold and vessels of bronze and iron are consecrated to the Lord and shall come into His treasury.’

“So when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, they shouted with a great shout, and the wall fell down flat.”

The children were cheering again.

“Then we marched straight in and took the city as the Lord had commanded. We utterly destroyed it and everything in it with the edge of the sword and with fire, protecting only the harlot, who had been faithful to the Lord, and her family.”

And not just the men… but the women… and children too. Some younger than you. Didn’t matter. Swords pierce the flesh of the young and innocent just as well as they do the flesh of the older and guiltier.

“Ah, I remember the screams of the mothers as we dashed the heads of the little ones on the rocks. Ha ha… so much blood.”

“Brains too,” Caleb said. “Don’t forget the brains.”

“I couldn’t. Some of them were stuck in my sandals for a week.”

“Hey, you remember how many puppies you stabbed?”

“Thirty-seven.”

And then the speech is over and the two Bible characters leave.

He was most impressed, however, with children who had deduced that the Commander of the Lord’s army was Jesus Himself. One little boy said, “Mr. Williams, I want to be in Jesus’ army.”

Mr. Williams, I want to kill for Jesus too! Can I please kill for Jesus?

“Oh, don’t you realize,” Kenny said, “He accepts only those who trust Him for forgiveness of their sins and for salvation?”

“No, Billy, you can’t kill for Jesus unless you acknowledge that you deserve to be tortured forever because you were born.”

“I will.”

“You will? How will you do that?”

“I’ll tell Him.”

“Right now?”

“Can I?”

“Yes, and you don’t even have to travel to the temple. Just pray to Him and tell Him that you know you are a sinner and that you want His forgiveness. Then ask Him to be your Savior and thank Him for dying on the cross for your sins…”

Then Billy organized a militia and went forth to slay the heathens and the Other Light cultists in Jesus’ name.

We flip back to Abdullah who is hanging out in the offices of the Other Light cell with one of them named Sarsour.

Finally Sarsour sat. Abdullah slid his Bible and his papers to the side and looked at him expectantly.

“You really believe this stuff, huh?” Sarsour said.

Well, I wasn’t going to, but then you know, God raptured all of the White Evangelical Christians and then showed up on Earth with a horde of zombie Christians and it was impossible not to believe, you know?

“’Course I don’t. I’m a TOLer.”

“Your parents have to be believers.”

“Yeah. But it’s not for me. They tried to raise me in it, but as soon as I started reading other stuff and talking to other people, I realized the Bible isn’t the only idea.”

It’s literally the only idea now. God is physically on the Earth, Dude.

Sarsour shrugged. “It’s like He’s head of the occupying army. We’re the resistance, that’s all. The rebels.”

“And you don’t feel destined to lose in the end?”

“We’re outnumbered. We’re the outcasts, the rejects, the dregs. But we won’t give up hope until it’s all over. And then we’ll see who wins.”

“Your compatriots, the ones who reach one hundred, are dying every day.”

“I know.”

“Do you know of any exceptions?”

“No.”

“And that doesn’t tell you anything?”

“It just proves God isn’t who He says He is.”

“How do you figure?”

“He’s mean and unloving and unforgiving, violent and judgmental. Disagree and you get killed.”

Good point. A very good point. You’d think a God who was concerned about people being lost and going to hell would be doing more to convince them otherwise instead of just casually killing them off once they reach adulthood.

And if you expect this very good point to get an answer, then fuck you.

 

KC: Seriously, f*** this book edition


So Chloe can’t get anyone to cop to writing the falsified report about Kat, so she decides to drop it.

She called in Mattie Cleveland and suggested they just chalk up the crisis, such as it was, to an ill-conceived prank and let it die.

If only there were some omniscient and omnipresent deity who you could telepathically communicate with… then you could solve this problem.

Seriously, I’m beginning to think that God doesn’t exist in this universe.

“Whatever you say, Chloe. I agree we need to get on with what we’re here for. I will say this: Qasim has been particularly solicitous ever since this started getting around.”

“The one who’s been so annoying to Ekaterina?”

“He’s really cleaned up his act. He leaves her alone, and he has been much more helpful to me lately. Qasim has even commiserated with me over this mess.”

“But I didn’t even interview him. What does he know about it?”

She didn’t even interview the guy who was sexually harassing an employee who was the subject of a falsified slanderous report?

What. The. Fuck?

I realize that Chloe’s education was cut short by Jesus destroying the world and human civilization and she’s not Sherlock Holmes, but Jesus, dude… you expect me to believe that she wasn’t even curious about interviewing the guy who was harassing the employee who was the subject of that slanderous report?

And now he’s acting all helpful and innocent and they’re still like, “Seems legit to me!”

Sigh. Evil deserves to win, because good is dumb.

Meanwhile, Abdullah is off to see the local chapter of the Other Light and Kenny and Raymie (god, I hate that name) meet to chat about the important business of the Junior God Squad.

“Just a few items,” Kenny said. “I want to know where things stand with Qasim. I want to know what you think I should do about the persistence of the Jospins. And we need to talk about Ekaterina.”

Raymie says he told Qasim to beat it and Qasim got butthurt. Now Zaki is unhappy, and Jesus Christ, this is high school drama bullshit. Fuck this book.

Kenny smiled. “Kat and I have speculated on what might have become of you two—as a couple, I mean—if you were naturals.”

Raymie shook his head and looked away. “I have wondered the same. As has she. We can talk about it openly because it is so far from the realm of possibility. It’s strange that we admire and respect and truly love each other so deeply, and yet the idea of romance never enters the picture. We’re simply not wired that way anymore. That allows us to spend a lot of time together, really as brother and sister, worshiping, praying, studying, planning. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is.”

“And I can’t tell you how much fun it is to have someone like that in my life,” Kenny said, “plus adding the romance to it.”

“I’m happy for you. I really am.”

Once again, we’re forced to consider the contradictory messages that marriage and romance are both somehow wonderful and sacred and yet also unimportant and a distraction. And we’re forced to do this because the bible says both. And our authors cannot admit that the bible contradicts itself and thus are trying to reconcile how a and not-a can both be true.

Marriage is a wonderful, sacred partnership between two souls and once you’re died and zombified, God fundamentally alters you to make you less human and unable to love another human being in that way.

Sigh…

Kenny tells his uncle that he’s been talking with Kat about his Jr. God Squad stuff and Raymie says, “Gotta be careful. What if it doesn’t work out?”

Then it doesn’t work out. Do you think Kat would suddenly run over to the Other Light assholes and say, “Kenny is a spy!” How petty do you think she is?

Still, this pressure from Ignace and now Lothair to, in essence, put up or shut up weighs too heavily on me not to talk about it to the woman I love. She would be able to tell something was on my mind anyway, and it’s not fair to her to keep it from her.”

“And I gather that you haven’t—kept it from her, I mean.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“And what is she saying?”

“Kat thinks I should pursue it, do it right, and—unlike Qasim—act under the authority of the Force. In other words, make sure everybody knows what I’m doing so they can pray for me, keep track of me, and give advice.”

Again, why? Why does anyone need to be a spy when you already have the information you have.

Why does anyone need to be a spy when Jesus Christ is supposed to be here on Earth and knows everything already anyway and should be able to Charles Xavier you commands about what you should be doing ?

Why are there any fucking questions or confusion about any of this?

Where the hell is Jesus in this Kingdom of Jesus?

What’re you thinking, that you would visit them in France?”

“That or start feeding them bogus information. Just enough to keep them on the string.”

“I don’t know,” Raymie said, sighing. “If our goal is not to win them over, what is it?”

We are more than halfway through this book and you assholes don’t even know what goals your “secret” club should have?

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?

They rose to start heading back to work. Kenny said, “All I know is that if I don’t start playing their game soon, they’re going to know I’m not on their side. Maybe that’s not all bad. I can stick to what I know and what I believe I’m supposed to be doing—reaching the children right here.”

Yeah, that seems important. Also, I love it when a character points out that their entire “plot” is bullshit.

Or maybe you should go to France and open up a new chapter of Jesus’ home for orphans whose parents he murdered and other children.

Sigh…

Abdullah spends two more sections preparing to go see the local chapter of the Other Light.

The priest Yorik shows up and says, “Joshua and Caleb are going to visit the kids tomorrow.”

And Qasim talks to Kenny and says, “No, I am TOTALLY NOT a spy. NOT a spy at all.”

Have I mentioned how much I hate this book?

KC: How does this world work exactly?


“Cameron sang and prayed as he strolled the grounds…”

If you don’t keep telling Jesus how wonderful He is, He might forget.

The entire Home for Orphaned Children Whose Parents Were Killed by Jesus is excited about Noah showing up. All except Qasim who took the day off.

(Que Horror Music)

Cameron turned at the sound of an engine and saw a van pulling onto the property a hundred yards away. As he squinted into the rising sun, he followed the cloud of dust until the vehicle skidded up next to him and the tinted driver’s window lowered.

“We’re lookin’ for the circus, buddy,” Mac McCullum said. “We in the right place?”

“Hush, Mac,” Irene called out from a backseat. “Cam, I called Chloe on the way in, and she’s already started on breakfast. She said we’d find you out here, but I’ve got to get back and help her. Hop in.”

A woman’s place remains firmly in the kitchen, even if she is a glorified undead zombie living in utopia.

Meanwhile, Kenny meets the parents of his new girlfriend and then they ditch her parents to go eat with his zombie ones.

“So this relationship is new just since we’ve left?” Rayford said, leaning past Chloe to taste her baked vegetable casserole.

“It’s not even a relationship, Dad, as far as I know. They barely know each other, though I think Kenny could be sweet on her if given the chance. When I called him, he said she was walking with him to work this morning, that’s all. I told him to bring her along.”

Anyone else think it’s kind of weird and creepy that we’re talking about a pair of 80-90 year old humans who are being infantilized by their families and treated like dumb kids? I get that people age more slowly now, but these aren’t kids. Even if their brains and bodies developed more slowly so they have to be 100 before the process is complete, they still have 80 to 90 years of life experience and knowledge up in their brains. They should be independent already.

It’s just weird to think of an 80 year-old living at home and complaining about his curfew or that his parents don’t like his music or that Qasim called and said that Mary Murphy didn’t like him.

Is that what they’re saying life is like? Just a bunch of nonagenarians hanging out at home playing X-box and reading comic books and going to sock hops?

Even if my brain wasn’t fully developed, I’d still say, “This is bullshit.”

Anyway, they talk about Kat more and how she went out with Qasim once already and I’m honestly surprised they don’t pull her aside and give her a lecture on purity and not causing her brothers to stumble.

But they’re all distracted by Qasim not wanting to hang around and hear Noah because he’s secretly evil.

“You don’t got an older sister, do ya?” Mac said, eyes dancing. “Like about eighty years older?”

Ekaterina threw her head back and laughed. “I’ll keep an eye out.”

Is it still half your age plus 7 in the Millennium? Or are you still a creepy old perv if you try to date a ninety year-old? Is the age of consent 100? Is there an age of consent in Jesus-land?

And isn’t this Jesusland? Shouldn’t we be back under the law where your families negotiated with your bride’s family to buy her with sheep and camels? There was none of this dating for love stuff in the bible. It was all commerce.

I’m saying is that if you want this 90 year-old, Mac, you go to her father and offer him 10 camels.

Alternatively, just rape her and pay her father 50 shekels of silver. It’s cheaper. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 – Yes, that’s in “God’s Perfect Law,” people.)

How are the laws working now? How are people navigating life, relationships, and sex now? How do they deal with the implications that at death or at the end of this 1,000 year period, they’re not going to be in love with their spouse any longer?

What about children? Do couples discuss the ethics of bringing children into the world when they know for certain that they might die at age 100 and burn in hell forever under God’s command? Do some couples use birth control to prevent that possibility? Is God okay with that?

Where is Jesus Christ?

How does this world work?

Everyone arrives at God’s Orphanage for Kids Whose Parents He Murdered, but Noah’s not there yet.

He hadn’t thought of grandstands, but most families brought blankets and began spreading them all over the athletic field. Crowd control was going to be Cameron’s biggest headache. On the other hand, only the children had been invited; he didn’t feel obligated to the rest. They were on their own.

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love… unless they weren’t invited and then “fuck ‘em.”

But finally, Noah shows up:

Everybody turned as one and stared toward the main entrance, where a lone figure strode purposefully onto the grounds.

He wore a colorful robe with a wide blue sash, and his white hair and beard contrasted with his robust appearance.

So Noah is perpetually an old man because that’s what he looked like in the Children’s Illustrated Bible Stories? Kind of a raw deal for him. Why doesn’t he get the new hot 30 year-old body that all the rest of the zombies get?

Cameron was struck that there wasn’t a hint of danger to Noah despite his having no entourage or even security…

I’m guessing Cameron forgets he lives in Jesusland because Jesus never goes out in public. Also, Noah is undead. How can he get hurt? Why would he be in danger?

Why does the book keep forgetting basic facts about the world they’ve constructed?

I guess I’ll end here so we can save the tale of God drowning babies, puppies, and kitties for next time.

 

KC: “I hate sand…” edition


I FOUND Qasim hilarious,” Ekaterina reported, plopping herself on Kenny’s couch and declining his offer of grapes. “I’m stuffed. He took me to the Valley Bistro, where you had your meeting.”

“Our meeting?”

“Your Millennium Force meeting. Anyway, it was great. Did you just love it? I did. And Qasim was chivalrous, full of stories, talked a mile a minute—in fact, I feel like I’ve just now caught that from him. Have I? Am I just talking incessantly? Stop me if I am. I don’t mean to be. He wants to see me again. I probably will let him, but I didn’t promise.”

Kenny is being out Nice Guy’ed by Qasim. Oh, no! What’s an incel to do?!?

Kenny’s mind was whirling. He liked the quiet and shy Kat better, and he hated that she seemed so intrigued by Qasim. But her knowing about the Millennium Force troubled him most.

Yes, the “nice guy” likes his women quiet and compliant. Not too much of that talking business and getting ideas in your head, woman.

And he’s upset that she knows about his secret club for not doing anything. I bet she’s going to want to join and then what? Guys can’t spit anymore or walk around the locker room naked. She’s gonna make you wear a towel into the sauna! The sauna!

So Kenny tries the “What’s a Millennium Force?”

And Kat’s not having any of it, saying that she thinks it’s exciting that Qasim is infiltrating the Other Light for… reasons… some sort of reasons. Though no one exactly seems to know what the purpose is. You have the manifesto. You could just go to them and talk about it. Could discuss their questions and doubts with them. You could write and publish your own manifesto rebutting their points and distributing it out via official government channels.

Oh, you’re going to do nothing for most of the book instead?

Yeah, I’m sure that’s cool too.

Kenny stays petulant and jealous until finally, this steamy hookup happens:

“I don’t know. Maybe that instead of giving you a brotherly warning about a guy, I was just being jealous.”

“Jealous of what?”

“Your attention.”

That seemed to stop her. She looked genuinely surprised. “Don’t tease me, Kenny.”

“Tease you?”

“You needn’t be jealous of anyone seeming to have my attention. I’ve wanted your attention since the day we met.”

“Seriously? I’ve been afraid to—”

“I just figured you saw me as too young, too new in the faith, a little flaky because it took me so long to become a believer. I don’t know; maybe you thought I was too immature, hadn’t had enough real ministry experience. Or maybe you just didn’t think of me in, you know, those terms. Attention terms.”

I think we just found someone worse than George Lucas at writing romantic chemistry.

Meanwhile, Chloe calls her dad, Rayford who doesn’t know if he can make it.

“I’d sure like to be there, and we both know your mother would. We’re scheduled for Siwa tomorrow, which is more than six hundred miles from you.”

Mostly I’m just including this because Siwa reminds me of Bayek of Siwa and how very much I’d rather be playing Assassin’s creed than reading this drivel.

And back to Kenny and Kat discussing how evilly evil Qasim is with being evil and all.

And back to Rayford where God finally turns the water back on in Egypt. Rayford asks “Why now?”

But God was silent. Rayford knew well that the Creator took His own counsel, had His own schedule and agenda and clock. If it was time, it was time, and no one else had to know or understand.

Yeah, that’s just being a dick. Of course, so is collectively punishing a nation for the sins of two assholes, so at least God is consistent.

Back to Kat and Kenny’s riveting conversation:

Kenny took her elbow as they walked. “I was struck from the first by your obvious passion for the Lord,” he said.

If by “obvious passion for the Lord”, you mean attractive face, boobs, and legs, this is technically true.

“It’s something I have to work on,” he said. “How bad is that? I’m living in the millennial kingdom with Jesus right here on the throne and ever-present, and still I struggle with the flesh.”

Porn, Kat. He’s watching a lot of freaky porn.

“We’re not in heaven yet. The glorified-mind-and-body people seem to have no distractions to their devotion.”

I want the lobotomy now, Lord! Why can’t you turn me into a mindless celibate robot?

“The undecideds trouble me more.”

And yet, nobody seems to think to go to Jesus and say, “Hey, Lord, it really kind of sucks that you’re actively torturing Uncle Bob because he was a Buddhist. Is there some way to knock that shit out?”

“If it’s hard for me to be as devout and consistent as I want to be—with my heritage and my work—I can’t imagine what it’s like for those who stubbornly want to insist on their own way.”

Or maybe they just don’t like the idea of being a brainwashed, sexless Jesus zombie robot.

“They’re easy targets for the Other Light,” she said. “What a name for the resistance, huh? They really worship the Lesser Light. The Way Lesser Light.”

It’s like RAAAAAAIN… on your wedding day! Obvious irony is obvious.

They fell silent as they neared Ekaterina’s home. She reached up and intertwined her fingers with his. 

And now Kenny has to change his underpants when he gets home.

“So is it my turn?” she whispered at last.

“Your turn?”

“To tell you my first impression of you.”

“That’s your call.”

“I found you courtly.”

“I told you wearing a full plate mail suit of armor would pay off one day, Mom!”

Kat decides she doesn’t want to work with Qasim anymore and wants to transfer departments.

“It’s unlikely my parents would put you in my area. My mother was on to us from the first day.”

“Oh, how embarrassing! It showed?”

Inappropriate erections are always noticeable.

“Well,” Kenny said, “if our relationship is going to be educational, we ought to start on the way to work tomorrow, wouldn’t you say?”

“Just tell me when to be ready, Professor Williams.”

I don’t mean to beat on the George Lucas comparison, but we’ve just found more nauseating flirtation dialog than, “I hate sand.”

 

 

KC: In which the author answers the question, “Can I write a chapter of a best selling book where nothing happens?”


Apparently, I forgot to mention that Kat and Kenny had a conversation at the end of the last chapter. It’s understandable as they are both so devoid of personality that they are easy to miss. They should just call them Love Interest and Protagonist, though I’ve finished reading the world’s worst book (so far) and Kenny really does nothing. Yeah, sorry to spoil it for you, but this book really has no plot. The conflicts are mostly shallow or devoid of tension. The characters just move from set piece to set piece because the author wants them to.

Anyway, we’re supposed to believe that Qasim and Kat might end up as a couple now since he thinks she’s hot and has asked her out on a date and she’s interested in what he’s been up to in France.

And Kenny is just there.

So we go back to Abdullah and his wife. She says, “Honey, you look good, but you’d need CGI to look like a teenager again.”

Abdullah shrugged. “This was the Lord’s idea. He’s going to have to tell me what to do.”

“The Lord really is a miracle worker, of course. But those young people will know, if it’s obvious you’ve survived your hundredth birthday, that you’re an interloper. And while I don’t worry that they can do you harm when you belong to Jesus, even finding you out couldn’t be good for our cause.”

What cause? What is your mission? And how would the Other Light recognizing your husband as a spy hurt that mission? Are they going to scream, “OLD GUY!” and everyone runs away?

Like I said, there is no conflict in this book that isn’t manufactured or bullshit.

I’ll spare you the next scene of Kenny freaking out because Love Interest is going out on a date with Forced Love Triangle.

Flip over to Cameron and Chloe who are told that Noah will be dropping by Our Lady of Jesus Murdered My Parents Orphanage.

And back to Rayford and crew in Egypt.

News of the new name of Egypt spread quickly through that nation, and as Rayford, Irene, Chaim, Tsion, Mac, Bruce, and his wife visited the various cities, the people would cry out, “Long live Osaze, ‘loved by God,’ and long live our King, the Lord Christ!”

But after one of the team preached and young people under one hundred streamed forward to commit their lives to Christ, someone was always bound to demand to know when God would lift His curse.

“That is up to you!” Bruce or Tsion would boom

Well, no, it’s not. They don’t have God powers to magically make the water reappear. Bruce and Tsion seem to imaging Egypt is hitting herself even as God keeps forcing their own fist to hit their face.

And even Rayford is starting to think, “Jesus, Lord, isn’t this a bit much?”

Everyone is groveling before the Lord and the Lord is sitting there like a petulant Donald Trump saying, “No! Not enough. I want more grovelling.”

Back to Kenny who is worried about Qasim and Kat’s date because this is important, right? Right?

Back to Abdullah and his zombie wife Yasmine who decide to go to Albania to see Abdullah’s disguise friend Zeke.

Back to Kenny who gets a call from Raymie who tells him that Noah is dropping by their work tomorrow.

Back to Abdullah who meets with Zeke who tells him:

“Sorry, man, but nobody in TOL is going to believe you’re under a hundred.”

And now Abdullah has to figure out what God wants him to do in a world where God is physically present and capable of speaking and faith is now sight. I mean, doesn’t Jesus have a cell phone implant? Hasn’t God spoken to you psychically before like Professor X?

For a book being written about God’s kingdom on Earth, this book seems to forget that God exists as a person and not some mysteriously invisible force any longer.

Back to Kenny who gets a call from Kat asking him to come over and talk about her date with Qasim. And Kenny is acting like every “nice” guy who thinks a girl has Friend Zoned him.

Lastly this “thrilling” chapter of cold rancid garbage ends with a conversation between Chloe and Cameron about whether or not she should call her dad and tell him about Noah’s visit.

This book is making me miss the Quran.

KC: “Her Story…”


We jump over to Abdullah who is in Jordan now. He meets a neighbor (who shall remain nameless) who tells him that the Other Light tried to rape a zombie Christian woman

They believe that if they can somehow impregnate women with glorified bodies, they can create a super mongrel race of potential converts to their side who would be partially glorified and perhaps able to live past one hundred. Imagine if they are right.”

Okay, gross, but at least tactically, they’re testing the waters.

As previously mentioned, if you plan on actually fighting God Almighty, a good way to test whether or not you’ll be successful would be to try to kill or hurt one of the zombie Christians.

But suppose they are right?

They’ve created a zombie-human hybrid. So what? Thus far, the only thing special about the zombies is that they don’t age. They haven’t demonstrated any sort of superpowers.

“They are wrong,” Abdullah said. “Simply wrong.”

“How can you say that?”

“It only stands to reason, friend. Why do you think that among the glorified there is no marrying or giving in marriage? The glorified bodies of women must have no childbearing capabilities, because they are not even interested in reproductive activity.”

Because sex is only something people want to do in the confines of reproduction, right? If you don’t want to have kids, then you have no sex drive, right?

And now we get to our wonderful Evangelical misogyny.  And before we begin, let’s just slap a big ol’ trigger warning here. We’re going to talk about rape or sexual assault and the Evangelical mindset.

“You may be right, and I hope you are, but that didn’t stop a TOLer from attempting to rape a glorified woman this morning.”

“And . . . ?”

“Her story…”

I love those two little words. “Her story.”

Maybe I’m giving the choice of words here too much import, but I don’t think so. The Evangelical church has a lot of issues with sexual assault, how badly they handle it, and how willing they are to excuse it, or victim blame, or dismiss the accusations of women against powerful men. (See Brett Kavanaugh.)

“Her story.”

Even in his fictional world where he’s certain the events took place, he describes her testimony as a “story.”

“Well, sure, she says he tried to rape her, but I think she just has ‘buyer’s remorse.’”

“Bitches by lyin’.”

“It takes two to sin. What did you do to encourage him?”

“You should apologize to his wife for his assault on you.”

“Don’t go to the police. Let’s follow Matthew 18’s guidelines.”

“Did you have two other witnesses? Then we can’t do anything.”

“Her story…”

Story… fictional… lies…

They don’t believe you. The “family of God” that is supposed to protect the vulnerable and the hurting way too often makes things worse.

“Her story is that she fought him off, but he subdued her.”

So her glorified body is just like a regular body, but immortal. No special powers. No super strength. No teleporting like Jesus. Just you. Stuck at age 30 forever.

That’s disappointing.

“However, before he could proceed, he died in her arms.”

It must have been something she said.

When she reported it to authorities, they found his ashes in her bedroom.”

And God who knows all things didn’t kill him before he tried to rape her because…? Seriously, Jesus, where are the pre-crime units?

“He had been struck by lightning, and she was not affected?”

“She may have been immune anyway, because of the nature of her body, but her account is that he merely died. The incineration had to have happened while she was running for help.”

Okay, so you’re a normal person, but stuck at 30, immortal, and you have 100% lightning immunity.

 “We must spread this story far and wide,” Abdullah said. “Does anyone know how old the perpetrator was? The younger the better, for it will convince these people that such acts will cost them even the few years they have.”

Yeah, that should be the end of it. The Other Light now knows that they can’t hurt zombie Christians. That should be the end of the rebellion. If you can’t hurt them, you’re never going to defeat God.

Book over, man. Book over.

“DNA tests identified him as a local eighty-six-year-old.”

DNA DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Seriously, it doesn’t. Google DNA in ashes.

Also, why do you have DNA tests when God is there and you all have a psychic connection to him?

This book sucks.

We end for today with Abdullah deciding that if he’s going to pass for a teenager and infiltrate the Other Light, he needs to get a good disguise. Which… yeah… that’s not going to work.

old

I’m afraid you’re going to have to do what losers and creepers do and catfish them online.

KC: Mimeographs from their Uni-bomber Style Shack.


Alright, now we move on to the Other Light manifesto. Let’s dive into the evil, shall we?

To the thinking members of the global society: Use your brains! You are capable of rational thought.

Okay… a bit redundant, but nothing exactly evil there. You have a rational mind, use it. The bible even says that God wants to reason with you and to test everything and cling to the truth.

We of the Other Light acknowledge that everyone who entered this period of history was a believer in God, either surviving the last seven years on earth as they knew it or returning from heaven with Him.

This is true.

We do not deny that God was the Creator and that Jesus is His Son.

Well, you can’t exactly deny it. You have proof and evidence of God’s existence and undead Jesus is on the Earth, even if he is spending all of his time in the Temple instead of doing the job of running the global government or going on a speaking tour to all the parts of the Earth.

We deny that He ever came to earth in the flesh or that He died and was resurrected.

Why? I mean, I know why some people doubt in Jesus’ existence in this world and I know why we doubt a resurrection took place here and now, but Jesus exists in your world. He’s physically there and he still has scars from his death.

Is this another problem that Jesus could solve if he spent less time indoors at the Temple and more time out doing speaking gigs and media tours?

Yes. Yes, it is.

We aver that He unfairly treated one of His own creations, an angel, and summarily cast him out of His presence, forever besmirching his name and reputation.

Okay, this is just stupid. First, you’re basing your theology not even on the original texts that show Satan alternatively as an agent of God, God’s District Attorney, or ultimately the god of evil, but on thousands of years of human stories and tradition that added on all sorts of details to the mythology.

How do you know that Satan was treated unfairly? You haven’t met the angel, have you?

Didn’t think so.

Worse, He has left men and women no choice but to believe in Him and serve Him, denying our free will.

Okay, now you’re approaching a good point. Why does God give you free will if He’s just going to take it away once you agree to serve Him? What point is there to free will if free will ends? If you ask Christians who believe in free will, they will tell you that God did not want obedient robots that loved him, he wanted us to choose to love Him, but then God is going to make you incapable of sin or going against His will after you die, leaving him with obedient robots.

We have no quarrel with those who believe and follow Him and consider themselves devout. We simply insist on the right to decide for ourselves.

Wow. So evil. The evil, evil group wants freedom of religion in Jesus’ utopian society. I mean, it doesn’t make any sense because they all know they’re living in a universe where Dispensational Pre-millenial Christianity is the one true religion, but just go with it. They’re evil because they want freedom of religion.

If it’s true that we, as His opponents, are not allowed to live past the age of one hundred, this merely proves our point: He will not countenance an alternate point of view.

Okay, you’re not doing yourselves any favors here. If I might suggest a better avenue of attack, it’s why would a loving God sit isolated in his temple and slay us when we turn 100, thereby condemning us to a life of eternal torture from Him and separation from our friends and family? What crimes have we committed to justify eternal torment? Can you really justify thought crimes as being worthy of eternal punishment?

Couldn’t a longsuffering and loving God give us a little corner of the world for our own where we can live free of Him if we choose to or emigrate back to his kingdom if we want to?

We, however, insist on our right to rebel, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds

Do Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins really think that all non-Christians or apostates are just rebelling for rebellion’s sake?

I’m pretty sure they do.

See, they somehow look on this world with all of its random evils and pediatric cancer, natural disasters, and a perfectly reasonable theory that best fits the observable evidence for how humans came to be and they think it’s absurd to not believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and all of those evils were caused because a woman ate a fruit she got from a talking snake.

They think we know Christianity is true and just assume that we choose to rebel because… I don’t know… porn or something.

It never occurs to them that if we were provided incontrovertible evidence of God’s existence and the rightness of their theology, like a global rapture, that we would believe. I mean, begrudgingly, because I don’t like the option of becoming a neutered robot, but I like the option of burning alive forever even less, but I would still believe.

Because of the new world, the population is exploding as never before. Literally billions more souls will be born with every generation, and therein lies our hope.

Why? Have you tried to kill one of the undead Christians? I don’t mean to harp on that, but if you literally cannot kill an undead Christian with knives or bullets, then you’re not going to be winning a war against them.

A rational mind would test the hypothesis that you could win a war against the supernatural.

Even if it’s true, our progeny, properly informed and coached, will—by the end of the Millennium—amass an innumerable force. God’s own prophecies indicate this.

And then God’s own prophesies say they all die and God reboots the universe.

You guys really haven’t thought this through. You are in a no-win scenario, but the least painful option is to just go along with and obey the dictator.

The biggest mistake God makes will be to loose our leader for a season at the end of this Millennium, for that shall truly signal the end of His kingdom.

Why? If God put him in jail once, it stands to reason that he can do so again.  And why is Satan your leader when you literally know nothing about the guy? Shouldn’t you wait until he shows up and see if he’s worth following or has your best interest at heart? How do you know that Satan will be any better as a dictator than Jesus?

What happens if you succeed and Satan become New God. And New God sits atop a throne of skulls and says, “Alright. Now let the torture begin!” And the demon scorpion horse locusts come back?

Again, not thinking logically here.

Vote third party!

I’m kidding. DO NOT VOTE THIRD PARTY. NEVER VOTE THIRD PARTY.

Watch our ranks grow with every generation, and we will in the end prove that God is anything but gracious and loving and forgiving.

Well, yes… you will, but at the cost of your own lives and an eternity of torture for you and your kids.

Is it really worth that just to prove a point?

Wouldn’t it be better to just go to Jesus and ask for a constitutional government that derives its power from the people and oh, yes, could you please stop killing us and sending us to your eternal torture pit?

If we have to go somewhere, just poof us out of existence.

Alright, so our ‘villains’ have a couple of good ideas, but are mostly just as stupid as our ‘heroes’.

KC: Helpmeets, Racists, and Committees, Oh My!


Rayford, Bruce, Tsion, Chaim Rosenzweig, Irene, and Bruce’s wife (who does not get a name) are all headed to Egypt to put right what the Lord has destroyed. The men folk, of course, will be leading and preaching and doing the work, while the women folk…

Bruce’s wife, who had been raptured, had a gift for organization like Irene’s. They would be of tremendous help to Mac, who would be in charge of technology, transportation, and logistics.

Are the helpmeets. The support staff.

Yep. Once again, ladies, the Evangelical utopia is that you’re perpetually consigned to second class citizenship. You are always going to be the subordinate. The helper. Never the leader. Never equals. Because you were born without a penis, your future is to faithfully serve God by serving your husband. Even after death.

Irene isn’t exactly thrilled about going, but she knows her place in the social hierarchy and accepts it.

Meanwhile, Rayford talks over Abdullah’s assignment with him. His wife, a zombie, talks it over with God and decides to go with him. And they end on this ‘joke’.

“Dangerous, eh?” Rayford said. “Surely the Lord doesn’t expect a man your age to pose as a member of TOL.”

“Captain Steele,” Abdullah said solemnly, laughter dancing in his eyes, “I recall the days when a comment like that to a person of ethnicity was punishable as a hate crime.”

Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins did not understand what a hate crime was.

It’s not calling someone old.

It’s walking into a synagogue and murdering 11 people because you think Jews are trying to replace you. It’s walking into a grocery store and murdering two people because you think blacks are trying to replace you.

But White Evangelicalism has never really understood why vulnerable minorities would want legal protections from the white majority in America.

We skip ahead to Rayford and company building their new house in Egypt while the Egyptian peasants are being punished by God for their leadership’s actions.

As soon as they had landed in Al Jizah, it became clear the area was wounded. Since the Feast of Tabernacles in Israel several days before, no rain had fallen in the entire nation of Egypt. Worse, it was obvious that God had shut off even the underground springs—deadly to a desert climate. Rivers had stopped flowing, and rapidly evaporating water lay stagnant everywhere. Citizens filled containers as fast as they could, trying to collect the last of the good water.

Ah, yes. Collective punishment. There’s that just and merciful and loving God.

We jump back to Kenny and Kat because this book hates me. Kat is sharing with her leadership book about how she read the story of Jonah to a little girl who decided to become a Christian.

“It was the sweetest thing. When she prayed, she told Jesus that, like Jonah, she had been running from Him. She said, ‘I kept trying to give myself to You, but I would borrow myself back. Now I want to be Yours for good.’ ”

Yeah, that’s not exactly what the book of Jonah is about.

Jonah hated the Assyrians. He was a racist. He thought they deserved fire and brimstone and utter destruction from the Lord, so when the Lord told him to go and tell the Assyrians to stop being assholes or else, Jonah told God to go pound sand because Jonah hated the Assyrians, Jonah was a racist.

And, in the story, God tries to teach Jonah to love people of other races. To love his enemies. God tries to teach Jonah empathy.

10 But the Lord said, “You have had pity on the plant for which you have not labored, nor made it grow, which came up in a night and perished in a night. 11 And should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot discern between their right hand and their left—and much livestock?”

God comes to Jonah at the end and says, “Dude… you loved a plant and were angry when it died. Can’t you see that these people are more important to me than a plant? Or, if you can’t go that far yet, can’t you at least admit that it would be shame to incinerate all of the animals?”

Jonah ran from God because he didn’t want God to love and be merciful to people he didn’t think deserved it.

I wonder what lessons Evangelicals can draw from that text today?

Hmm…

Someday I need to take this COT idea back home.”

“I think it would work anywhere,” Kenny said. “I’m surprised there aren’t more ministries like it around the world.”

Yeah, Kenny, you’ve been living in Israel working there for about a hundred years and haven’t given a single thought to leaving and sharing that with the rest of the world.

I do wonder why there aren’t more ministries like it around the world.

Idiot.

Meanwhile, back with Rayford, one of the Egyptians asks him a good question:

“Can you do anything about getting Him to turn the water back on?”

“That’s why we’re here, but as you can imagine, the leadership of this nation is going to have to get in line.”

“I hope you’re not expecting a warm welcome in Cairo. Those young men who talked the other leaders out of going to the feast are dead, slain by lightning in the very presence of their colleagues.”

Rayford stretched. “The Lord’s justice is swift, friend. He clearly made an example of those two, as His Word warned. When their ends came, there could have been no question why. And I believe we’ll be seen as the messengers we are. We’re praying the whole ordeal will give us a hearing among the young people here, show them there’s no trifling with God.”

“Well, know that every other believer is praying the same thing. Why must we suffer for the actions of a few?”

Yeah… collective punishment. Not just of unbelievers, but of the people who have converted and are faithful to him. This is the God they believe in. Their God punishes the innocent along with the guilty… you know, unless it involves the rapture and then they think God spares the innocent. But any other time, God will just punish everyone.

This is why they don’t blink at passages were God kills tens of thousands of Jews for the actions of one.

They have somehow rationalized that as being just and righteous and fair.

Back at the Jr. God Squad, Raymie and Zaki (they sound like two members of the worst Christian boy band) argue about Qasim some more. Qasim has gone and hung out with The Other Light people while the Jr. God Squad has been having committee meetings. And Zaki wants him to come in and tell them what he’s found. Raymie is surprised that Zaki has betrayed the location of their secret He-man Woman Hater’s Clubhouse.

“Zaki, if we’re going to do this, be this force, we don’t want a lot of people knowing about it. I’m not afraid of the young people of the Other Light, because they can’t hurt us. But they can sure hurt a lot of other people, so we have to stay under the radar.”

Again… WHERE IS JESUS? JESUS IS ON YOUR SIDE, SO WHY WOULD HE LET TOL HURT OTHER INNOCENT PEOPLE IN HIS UTOPIAN KINGDOM?

This is stupid.

“Before you start,” Raymie said, “I need to be clear. You realize you’re not part of this group and you don’t work under our auspices.”

One of the powers of Raymie’s zombie body is to be a dick.

“Granted. But it’s in your best interest to know what the competition is up to, wouldn’t you say? And they’re up to a lot. Those so-called nightclubs of theirs, at least the one in Paris, are so underground hardly anybody even knows about them.”

“Well, that makes sense,” Kenny said. “No matter what they’re doing in there, they’re breaking every law on the books, and if they flaunted it, they’d be in deep trouble.”

How the fuck does that make sense, Kenny? Your government is being run by an omniscient and omnipotent Jesus Christ. What the fuck does it matter if you sin in secret or openly? Jesus should know what is going on regardless and should be able to punish them or send a psychic email to the local constables to go round up the rebels for reeducation.

Anyway, Qasim has gotten a hold of their official Evil Manifesto and the Jr. God Squad continues to be dicks to him.

“You see why we needed another guy?” Zaki said. “I told you Qasim could pull this off.”

Bahira scowled. “Don’t be so sure. For one thing, he’s not working for us. And for all we know, all he’s done is expose us.”

“Well, you’re wrong,” Qasim said. “But thanks for the gratitude. Now, you want to see this manifesto or not?”

Well, maybe, but first we’ll have to schedule a committee vote to debate the resolution. What do you guys think? Maybe in six months?

KC: I’m surprised they didn’t use the phone…


So Rayford and friends meet King David.

Apparently, Egypt elected a couple of youngsters to its ruling council and they decided to miss the Feast of Tabernacles and this is a huge deal that has made God very mad. But God can’t tell the Egyptians directly that He’s mad and that they need to repent for… reasons.

So God’s going to kill the two youngster leaders and collectively punish Egypt with a drought because God is still a dick. Or maybe he misses the Good Ol’ Days when He slaughtered Egyptians like 100 times over.

David wants Rayford and company to go rebuild Egypt after God is finished destroying it and Rayford agrees.

Meanwhile, we get into the courtship of Kenny and Ekaterina. It lacks all of the passion and eroticism  you’d expect.

“We traveled from Greece for the Feast of Tabernacles, as we do every year,” Ekaterina Risto told Kenny as they sat at a table fifty feet from hundreds of napping children. “And now we want to stay where the Lord Himself sits on the throne, although we will miss our homeland.”

“Tell me of your life there.”

“My parents met in an underground church that was once ministered to by your grandfather and your parents, as I understand it. The congregation feared for their lives every day, hiding from Global Community Peacekeeping Forces. My mother was pregnant with me when Jesus returned at the Glorious Appearing.”

“So, like me, you are in your nineties.”

“A child,” she said, smiling. “Of course, this is all I have known, but I have seen pictures of my mother when she looked much as I do now. She tells me she had just turned sixteen.”

Kenny nodded. “This time is as the days of Noah, when people lived for centuries.”

“I only wish I could stop aging at a youthful year, as your mother and grandmother have.”

“I didn’t know my grandmother before the Glorious Appearing,” Kenny said. “But pictures of her from before the Rapture show her older than she looks now.”

Whew… stop, guys… I’m melting over here.

They trade testimonies. Kenny with his dead zombie parents and how God put them in charge of all of the kids whose parents God murdered and consigned to eternal torture.

Meanwhile, Ekaterina resented a little bit of God’s “convert and surrender your free will to me or die and be tortured forever” so she wasn’t a believer until recently in her eighties. But she saw what happened to “THE WRONG CROWD.”

“They were hostile. They didn’t study or investigate or even think about it after a while. They made fun of the devout, and they refused to acknowledge Jesus at all. Have you heard of the Other Light?”

“Oh yes.”

“Some of them moved to other parts of Europe so they could join that. They not only chose against Christ, but they also chose for Lucifer. It was as if he became their hero, like a martyr who wasn’t dead but only temporarily bound.”

Ah yes, because it would make perfect sense to join up with Lucifer who Jesus has already beaten once, right?

Let’s pause for some more “romance.”

Ekaterina stood and paced. “That’s just it, Mr. Williams.”

“Kenny.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. If I’m going to work for you . . . I mean, not that I’m saying I know I’ll get the job . . .”

“It’s all right. Call me what you wish.”

“I’ll tell you what: if you call me Kat, I’ll call you whatever you wish.”

“You’re on, Kat.”

Dude… can you writes something this steamy and sexual in a Christian book?

But Kenny says, “Hey, that’s crazy. Satan is going to lose and they’re going to die and go to hell.”

Kat says, “Yeah, but they still think they can win and that Satan will break into hell and release them once he’s done kicking God’s butt. And that’s why I’m a Christian now, because seriously, Jesus Christ is right there. I don’t have a choice. I can either accept the complete loss of my humanity and free will, or GET TORTURED FOREVER. ”

Have you noticed that we’re nine chapters in now and nothing of importance has happened? Did you notice that chapter nine consisted entirely of two conversations?

Did you catch that regardless of her not being an enemy of God, that Kat would have gone to the same place as her friends if she didn’t take God up on his “Convert or die and be eternally tortured” bargain?

Seriously… in a world where Jesus Christ is supposed to be alive and visible, WHY ISN’T HE A PART OF THIS WORLD?