Category Archives: Faith

Thoughts on (white) Evangelicalism

When I departed Evangelicalism, part of the reason was that my observations of their behavior changed my definition of the core tenets of Evangelicalism: that one must hate LGBTQ people, that one must be anti-abortion, that one must vote Republican, and to simultaneously believe in an omnipotent god who could be cast out of schools and thwarted rather easily by laws.

These days, I’m more convinced than ever that to be a white Evangelical, one must embrace all of the seven deadly sins as virtues.

You must be proud, arrogant, assume you have all of the answers, and condescending to anyone who holds a different opinion. You are the best. Your church. Your religion. Your nation. Your history. Your culture. Your color of skin.

You must believe that greed is good, that the accumulation of wealth is not a moral flaw, but a God-approved thing. You must sneer at and dismiss the poor as lazy, stupid, or refuse. You must embrace libertarian economics. You must walk past sick Lazarus day and day and never take notice of his plight.

Lust. How many “scandals” are there now? Millions? Tens of millions? You must believe in a system of power where women are subordinate and where men are not expected to be able to control themselves and can indulge in their lust freely.

You must envy the more powerful, the more wealthy, let it drive you. Let your ambitions run free and take everything you can and give nothing back unless it’s by force.

You must consume. And I’m not talking just about food. For certain, food is a part of it. The laughing and ridiculing at suggestions that you cut down on meat consumption for the greater good. The systems you support that generate food waste while millions go hungry. Buying a giant truck or fuel inefficient car you don’t need and doing it with pride. Burning more and more fossil fuels. Deforestation. More. More. More. All to feed your appetites.

You must be angry. Constantly. Every man, woman, and child is your enemy and you are theirs. Blacks, Latinos, Asians, the LGBTQ, feminists, refugees, immigrants, liberals, scientists, doctors, doesn’t matter. They aren’t like you and therefore they must be evil. Guns. Must have more guns. Non-violence is for suckers. Life is a constant battle of all against all and there’s no way you’re going to give up a single inch to anyone.

Sloth is one that seems difficult to place at first, until I realized that all of the pursuit of wealth, power, and control, all of the rejection of a temperate, modest life is also a pursuit of a life of ease and convenience for them at the expense of others. I look at the exaltation of TFG’s work ethic when he spent a year of his administration golfing. The ultimate goal of climbing the ladder and fighting to stay on top is to enjoy all of the good things, while millions work and toil in misery to feed your desires.

Anyway, just a few thoughts that occurred to me.

The path to happiness…

Alright, let’s rip the band-aid off, shall we?

There is no one path to happiness or fulfillment or joy or success.

I am sorry to be the one to tell you that, but at the same time, I’m not sorry at all.

Because you’ve likely been told this lie in one form or another for your entire life. If you just do this, you’ll be happy. If you just follow these steps that I’ve found in life or the bible or the writing of Tony Robbins, you’ll finally find happiness. If you just obey what I’m telling you, you’ll find success, joy, fulfillment, and your “god-given” role.

Yes, with three easy steps, you can discover the meaning to life!

No, you can’t.

Well, at least you can’t like that.

Because there is no one path to happiness, fulfillment, joy, or success.

There isn’t even one definition of those things.

No, my dear human, if you want to find or even define those things, you’re going to have to do it yourself.

There is no one size fits all key to marriage.

There is no one solution for succeeding in your career.

There is no surefire instruction for being a good parent.

This is not to say that there aren’t good general moral and ethical guidelines you can use in your own journey, but it is saying that no two people will follow the same path to those goals.

Like every explorer in ancient times, you’re simply going to have to take the best instruments you can find, plot your own course, and find your own path. Maybe that path won’t lead you where you think you want to go.

It’s rather frightening, I know.

It’s much easier to buy into the programs others are selling you. The fake maps that promise surety. The fake guides that tell you that a city of gold or fountain of youth await just over the next mountaintop if you follow their paths.

But those paths will never lead you to where they promised.

You’re going to have to find your own way.

And maybe you won’t find the fountain of youth or your city of gold. Maybe you’ll find your Yosemite instead. It’s not where you wanted to go, but when you get there, you find it’s where you needed to be.

But I can’t promise you that.

All I can promise you is that you have a much better chance of finding your way to happiness going down your own path than you do following any “7 easy steps to true happiness.”

Now, get your instruments, plot that course, and may the winds be at your back.

Love one another and get angry…

Do you ever sit around and think about the story of Jesus chasing the merchants and bankers and jerks out of the Temple?

Because it says in one of the stories that he twisted and braided some leather cords into a whip. Now, I’m not a crafter nor am I particularly good at braiding things, but I imagine that taking at least a little time.

Like he just walks in, sees a bunch of Gentile converts trying to pray and there’s this bazaar going on around them, and he just thinks, “This is not going to stand.”

So he storms off to a corner and says, “Find me some leather straps” to his bros. And they’re like… “Okay. Not the weirdest thing Jesus has asked us to do.” So they find him some leather straps. Maybe give him a few of their belts or sandal ties.

And Jesus sits down and starts crafting. Just furious twisting these leather braids around and all the while he’s just seething. Jaw clenched, hands moving quickly in jerky motions and the disciples are thinking, “Hey, Jesus… whatcha doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m making a whip,” he growls.


“Because I’m going to whip some jackasses, Peter. What do you think I’m going to do with a whip?”

And his boys just shut up because they’re used to “Oh, let’s heal the sick. Let’s feed the hungry. Let’s make the blind see” Jesus. But now, here in the midst of the most central religious place in Judaism, he is just piiiiiissssed. Kind of scary to see actually.

And he’s pissed because the religious people are treating this place like a place to make money. He’s pissed because the faithful coming to worship are getting gouged. He’s pissed because the Gentiles coming to seek God are getting the shaft by the religious people.

See, he’s always stood up for the little guy. He’s always said, “The last will be first” in this new kingdom. He’s touched the untouchable. He’s hugged outcasts and prostitutes and traitors.

And now he walks into his version of church and sees the faithful who should be hugging them with him, abusing them and treating them like crap and abusing his religion in the process.

So he sits in the corner just twisting that leather and seething. Until he’s done, then he calmly walks over to the nearest jackass, flips over the table and starts whipping the ever loving crap out of them.

Now I’m not a pastor or a priest or a religious authority. Hell, sometimes I wonder if God is listening or even up there.

But the one thing I take away from Jesus, the one thing that will stick with me through intellectual doubts or changing times, is to look out for the little guy. To care about the outcasts. To hug the people that polite society and some churches turn their noses up at.

Because if I don’t, If I treat them like crap and refuse to love them, then I’m being a jackass and I deserve to be chased around by one very pissed off Jewish rabbi with a homemade crafted whip.

The Book of Mormon – Forward and Preface

Well, hell, I guess it’s time to crack open another holy book.

I’ve decided to go with The Book of Mormon. And not just any Book of Mormon, but the first edition which the LDS church has kindly made available online, which was pretty nice of them all things considered.

Okay, let’s start off with the forward, which, hey, this holy book has a forward. That’s new. Almost like Joe was following the conventions of modern literature.

The forward says that this book was written by Mormon who used the plates of Nephi to write this account of the people of Nephi and the Lamanites, who are all totes Jews, and it’s for both Jews and Gentiles and was totally inspired by God, guys. Promise.

This is also a record of the people of Jared who was at the tower of Babel, to show the Jews that God still loves them and Jesus is the Messiah.

Also, if you find any contradictions or mistakes, that was my bad, not God’s. So don’t throw out the entire book just because you find some bullshit.

I do have to admit. I respect Joseph Smith a little more now. The guy knew how to play his mark.

The next page is a copyright page where the clerk working at the office says that Joe dropped off this book and claimed it was the history of the Nephites, the Lamanites, and Jared.

The next page is the Preface.

Here Joseph Smith says that he would like to clear some things up since there are a lot of “liars” out there who think he pulled all of this out of his “ass”.  He totally did not.

You see, he had translated about 116 pages from the book of Lehi, but someone stole the translated pages. In reality, Smith’s patron Martin Harris got skeptical of Smith’s translation and asked to see the plates that Smith was supposedly translating from. Smith refused, but ultimately agreed to let Harris take the translated pages and show it to five family members. Harris took it. He locked it in his wife’s bureau and it went missing.

Obviously, this is a problem. If Smith was really a prophet from God who was translating actual golden plates with an actual ancient language written on them, then it shouldn’t be a problem for him to dictate out the translation to Harris again for the missing 116 plates. If he couldn’t do it or the accounts didn’t match, then that would be proof that Smith was a liar and a fraud.

Of course, Smith, for all of his faults, was not a fool. So he said that he could translate the original again, but God forbade him from doing so because Satan had told wicked men to alter his original translation so that there would be contradictions and people wouldn’t believe him. So Smith said, he went back to translate stuff he hadn’t translated yet, and then God showed him the same events he originally translated, but from a different source account. Thus any contradictions or obvious lies were the result of two different accounts.

Like I said, gotta have a little respect for Joe’s skills here.

KC: Good is dumb edition

ASIDE FROM having been born in the old United States of America and carted about by his globe-trotting parents during the Tribulation, Kenny Bruce Williams had spent nearly all his ninety-seven-plus years in Israel. Others he knew, especially his extended family, loved to travel. But he had never seen the appeal of being away from the very country in which the King of kings and Lord of lords physically resided and presided.

Except Jesus is apparently squirreled away in the Temple and never leaves or makes a public appearance.

Also, despite spending 97 years growing up in Israel, Kenny is totally an American Evangelical. “Travel? Phppt. Why would I want to travel? All the best things are already here!”

None of the historical landmarks remained, of course, but attempts had been made to reproduce some of the more familiar—like the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and even some of the great cathedrals.

Just as a reminder that God, in His infinite love and temper tantrums, destroyed all of the priceless works of art in human history. You were hoping to finally get around to seeing the Mona Lisa? Fuck you, it’s gone. Sistine Chapel? Also, fuck you, it’s gone too.

On the plane with Ignace, Lothair, and Nicolette, Kenny for the first time became aware of the stares and glares of people—mostly naturals, some glorifieds—who must have recognized the alternative clothing of the TOLers for what it was.

Even in the Millennial Kingdom and the afterlife, Christians are judgmental assholes. Aren’t you looking forward to an eternity of that?

His pretend compatriots were rebels, misfits, outcasts.

You know, the people Jesus hung out with and ate with and drank wine with. But fuck that shit. They’re different and have different beliefs. Glare at them! Glare harder!

Kenny nodded. This couldn’t be worse. All he had intended with his little speech two days before was to allay their suspicions. He had done it so well he had inspired them to a better approach for recruiting. He sure didn’t want to be responsible for their amassing a higher class of dissidents.

Then maybe Kenny should have come right out and said, “I’m a Christian, but I’d still like to be your friend” instead of pretending to be Kenneth Bond Superspy.

Cameron and Chloe sat in the office, poring over employment records. “Strange,” Cameron said. “You realize that this Qasim Marid has been gone all three times we had the Bible heroes here.”

Chloe leaned to look at the records. “That’s some coincidence, Cam.”

“It’s got to be more than that. What are the odds? It’s almost like he doesn’t want to be here when they are. But who wouldn’t want to hear those guys?”

Yeah, it’s almost like the guy who was sexually harassing an employee right around the same time as we started to get forged letters about her and her new boyfriend might not be a super Christian. Should we look into that?

No, let’s talk about missing paperwork instead.

Abdullah was amused by Mudawar and Sarsour. For the first time since he had met them, they looked clean and tidy. Oh, Mudawar was still oily; it was as if he couldn’t help that.

Evil Arab is greasy. That’s racist.

Kenny and the Other Lighters arrive. Abdullah freaks out when he sees Kenny on a CCTV monitor and slips out of the building. Instead of assuming that Kenny is like him or, I don’t know, asking his all-knowing deity what’s going on, Abdullah assumes that Kenny has gone evil and phones Qasim to confim it, which Qasim does, of course, because seriously, he’s evil. Qasim tells Abdullah that Kenny has defected to Satan and he believes it because good is dumb.

Meanwhile, Kenny tells the Jordan crew to appeal to smart people since it’s obvious that none of the smart people are currently on the side of the Christians.

KC: Nothing much continues to happen…

Abdullah goes to visit the offices of the Other Light in Jordan and knocks on their front door.

Meanwhile, Chloe it super excited to hear the tales of genocide from Joshua and Caleb.

No one wants to answer the door, but Abdullah talks them into it.

“This is getting old and boring,” Mudawar said. “We have been dragged before the judges before, even threatened to be deported to Israel for an audience with one of the apostles. We pled for the freedom to exercise our own free will and pledged to lie low. Have we not been lying low enough, or have your superiors not kept you up to date on our file?”

“My superior is the Lord Christ Himself.”

If only Jesus could appear himself and have a talk with… sigh…

They go back and forth, but Abdullah talks them into giving him an office and letting him be their resident chaplain.

 “So the big boss has assigned you to torment us, eh?”

“No, actually to love you.”

“To love us. This from the same God who vaporized two earnest, sincere opponents in Egypt, just because they didn’t get in line with all the other sheep who trekked to Jerusalem for the—”

“Osaze, you mean.”

“You call it what you will. It will always be Egypt to me…This is the same God who slew millions, if the stories of the Old Testament can be believed.”

Hey, look at that! A good point. One that won’t be answered.

When I was a young man, younger than you, my problem was that I thought all the dire warnings of God’s judgment were wrong, because all I had heard about Jesus was that He was kind and loving and a pacifist, turning the other cheek, preaching the Golden Rule. Then came the end of His patience and mercy, His people were swept off to heaven, and He spent the next seven years trying to get man’s attention and persuade him that God was not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. And now, here you are, a hundred years later, unable to accept His love.”

God loves you so much, he will beat the shit out of you if you don’t love him back to convince you to love him. It’s for your own good.

Yes, the whole “God is getting your attention” ‘reason’ is nothing more than a justification for abuse.

“Oh, but there is,” Abdullah said. “He is loving and full of grace, but he is also perfect and just.”

How hell is “just” is not explained in this book. It just assumes it is.

And that’s the end of the chapter. For some reason, the Other Light gang have him set up in one of their rooms.

KC: F*** this book edition

The following day, Chloe asks her son Kenny and Kat to drop by.

Bahira, Abdullah’s daughter, was with them. “I’ve just met Kenny’s Kat,” she said. “And I approve.”

Ekaterina looked shocked, and Kenny said, “Bahira! First off, she’s not mine. And second, there’s nothing to approve.”

Kenny is right, of course. Kat doesn’t become his official property until after he pays her father the dowry and her father transfers ownership over to him.

“Ekaterina, how goes your new role?”

“We’re still trying to figure out how it’s going to work, and a certain someone seems very jealous that I seem to have my own agenda, but Mattie is keeping him away from me, as promised.”

So, they’ve made adjustments and they’ve gotten the sexual harasser to knock it off. Problem solved, right?

Oh, no, they haven’t victim blamed Kat yet. That shameless hussy needs to feel some shame because otherwise young Christian girls reading this might think it’s okay to go out to chaste dinner dates with young Christian men.

Fuck this book.

“You know, Bahira,” Chloe said, “it’s actually good that you’re here for this, because this is an awkward meeting. Back before the millennial kingdom, had Kenny’s father and I not gone to heaven, I can imagine having a meeting like this, probably when Kenny reached junior high school or so. I hear all sorts of gossip and talk and who said what about whose boyfriend or girlfriend, and it strikes me that it’s so juvenile for such a time as this. Scripture says that you all are to be considered children until you reach age one hundred, but because you’re twice as old now as my parents were when I died . . . I don’t know; I guess I expect you to be more mature.”

Isn’t Bahira also a Jesus zombie? Wouldn’t she have the magic Jesus zombie juice and be just as mature and connected to Jesus as Chloe? Why are you including her in this little tirade?

Second, this is not Jr. High drama. This is one of your employees sexually harassing another employee and you’re blaming the victim. They went out once. He got obnoxious and sexually harassed her. It’s his fault for not getting the message. Instead of talking to Kat and Kenny, you should be tearing Qasim a new one.

But no, it’s Kat’s fault for being a regular human woman and Kenny’s fault because he discovered new boner feelings in his pants recently.

Also, no one outside your little evangelical bubble ever says, “for such a time as these…” That’s bullshit. Christianese bullshit and it has no place in a literary work. Good day, sirs.

“It’s all of you,” Chloe said. “Ekaterina is the only one still living with her parents, but you’re all old enough to be on your own. It just doesn’t seem like you’re acting it. Shouldn’t we be above all this petty stuff now that we’re living in a time when Jesus is reigning over His millennial kingdom?”

This petty stuff being sexual harassment. Sure, Kat, you didn’t ask for this, but shouldn’t you be above it? Maybe wear a longer skirt.

Fucking rape apology bullshit, man.

“Maybe my brother should be here,” Bahira said. “It was his trying to bring Qasim into the Millennium Force that started a lot of this. Everybody knew it was wrong. Raymie hasn’t been happy about it.”

“Where do you think I’ve been getting my information?” Chloe said. “I’m grateful my brother trusts me enough to confide in me, but I confess he’d not likely be happy to know that I have taken this into my own hands…”

Jesus Christ, how do these Jesus zombies work? I thought you were supposed to have all knowledge and be completely sinless? Why would Raymie through a temper tantrum because Chloe got involved in his business?

Your afterlife is bad and you should feel bad.

“And Bahira, he thinks the world of you.”

“I love him too, you know, in the way that those we met in heaven love each other. Without complication.”

Sex is of the devil! Intimacy is of the devil!

I can’t imagine why so many Christians have really fucked up ideas about sex.

“And that’s the way it should be. Our lives now should be filled with praising and worshiping Jesus

Because a self-sufficient God really needs you to keep blowing his dick apparently.

And if you’re going to have a Millennium Force that mirrors the old Tribulation Force, it needs to be single-minded too. We had one goal, one mission, and that was to thwart Antichrist as best we could by what?”

They all looked blank.

“Come on; did I surprise you with a rhetorical question, or do you really not know? Kenny, I must have bored you to death with this over the last century.”

“By adding as many people to the family of God as you could.”

Well, then maybe you should all be out preaching in nightclubs now instead of… oh, fuck it.

Meanwhile, let’s jump back over to fucking Abdullah who is startled by a knock on his door and fuck it, it’s just Qasim.

Abdullah looked to Yasmine, who signaled him to open the door. She immediately rose to get them something to eat and drink.

Once again, your afterlife, ladies, is to live in a sexless world where you serve men.

Anyway, Qasim is here to exposition to Abdullah about the Other Light people in Jordan. Yeah, that’s it.

Kenny found himself confiding more and more in Ekaterina. She had taken well his mother’s admonitions and proved more than spiritually mature in her response. Nightly now they spent hours together, talking until it was time to go to their respective homes. They told each other every detail of their lives they could remember. Kenny wasn’t entirely sure where Ekaterina’s heart was, but she had stolen his. He prayed his love for her would not interfere with his devotion to Christ, and that was the subject of his nearly constant prayer.

So constant shame, anxiety, and prayers of repentance.

This is perfectly normal and can only be healthy for your relationship.

Also, Kat has now accepted the fact that her sexual harassment is her fault.

This is also perfectly healthy.

Fuck this book.

Kenny gets a letter from the Jospins and are we still going on with this bullshit? Didn’t your mom just say that the work you should be doing is to get more people to say the magic Jesus words? Why the fuck are you still going on with this pointless idea to play superspy? You have their manifesto. You know the future. Shouldn’t you just be doing what you’re doing with the kids and making sure they say the magic Jesus words?

Seriously, fuck this book.

Blah, blah, blah, be a spy for us, the Jospins say. We can fly you Paris if you want to meet.

No, really… fuck this book.

KC: ICE Angel… ICE Angel… Please be mine…

Before we can get to Kat’s meeting with Chloe, we jump back over to Abdullah who lets his zombie not-wife know that Jesus finally told him the plan. He’s supposed to go see the people of The Other Light and love them unconditionally.

This would have all been cleared up with a phone call or an email weeks ago.

Chloe Steele Williams pulled a sheet from the file folder and handed it to Ekaterina Risto, watching carefully for a response. The young woman squinted and seemed to be reading quickly. She appeared unable to speak.

“You know we’re fair here,” Chloe said. “I would like your side of this.”

Chloe says this right before she demonstrates that she already believes the bad report and isn’t interested in hearing Kat’s side.

“…But this says she has talked with me about these problems. Problems I didn’t even know I had. I don’t remember her talking with me about them at all. In fact, we haven’t talked, except for normal chitchat while working, for days.”

“Now, Ekaterina. These are summaries of your discussions. About your being tardy, taking too long of breaks, leaving early, being hard to find when team chores are scheduled, sitting with Kenny at the Noah appearance without permission, disagreeing with her in front of the staff.”

See, I have this piece of paper and I’m not interested in finding out whether or not it’s true. I just assume the worst of you, kid, because apparently despite being a zombie, I’m still an asshole.

“Is it possible for me to talk with her personally?”

“Face your accuser, you mean?”

“I guess.”

“But it appears you two have talked quite a bit, and your behavior has not changed.”

Really? Because Kat says they haven’t talked and you haven’t even followed up with her supervisor. Seems like the thing to do before you accuse someone of being a bad employee based solely on a piece of paper that just showed up on your desk this morning.

But finally Chloe decides to talk with Mattie, Kat’s supervisor and try to clear the matter up. If only there were an omniscient deity that was everywhere and could communicate telepathically with his zombie followers who could tell Chloe the truth and who actually wrote the report, but then we’d miss out on so much pointless drama.

“I am to speak on Jesus’ behalf,” Abdullah said. “Say what He would say if He encountered these people.”

“But the Bible foretells how Jesus will deal with His enemies at the end of the Millennium,” Yasmine said. “There will be no mercy, no patience.

But God is love and love is patient and kind… I guess unless you cross it and then love is pain and torture and lots of burning fire.

Chloe had long loved Mattie Cleveland. She was tall with short sandy hair and laughing eyes.

Hmm… do go on, book…

She had been raptured and returned at the Glorious Appearing, immediately gravitating toward children.

Disappointing on so many levels…

“Hey, Chloe,” she said as she entered. And as soon as she noticed Ekaterina, she said, “Kat! How’s my favorite new aide? Why the long face?”

“Your report,” Ekaterina said as the three sat.


Chloe handed it to her. Mattie read it with a furrowed brow, then glanced up at Chloe. “Where’d you get this?”

“It was in my box at the end of the day yesterday.”


“I’m sorry?”

“Wholly made up. I’ve never seen it, didn’t write it, never had these conversations with Kat. Don’t know a thing about it. She sat with Kenny with my permission, and as for the rest of it, totally fabricated. I’ve been watching this one from the first day to make sure she’s not too good to be true. I couldn’t ask for a better worker.”

And  I bet you feel really bad for being an asshole to Kat earlier, right, Chloe?

Chloe sat studying both women. “Then why does she want to be transferred out of your area?”

Oh, right. You’re an asshole.

So Kat tells Mattie that she really wants to Jesus more with the kids instead of sportsball and Mattie says, “Hey, you can Jesus more during sportsball.” And that makes Kat happy enough to stay.

“I’d love that, but how does that address the Qasim issue?”

“I noticed he was on your case a lot, but I couldn’t tell whether you found it annoying or charming, so I left it alone. He bothers you, I’ll put him in his place. How’s that?”

You do not cross Zombie Coach. Also Zombie Coach stinks at recognizing sexual harassment. Maybe it’s time to fire guy with history of sexual harassment.

Also, later, Kat will completely forget this situation when she gets an email telling her that er boyfriend is evil and automatically believes it without giving him a chance to explain.

“Whoever pulled this prank—and there’s no way they thought they could get away with it; I mean, how long did they think it would take me to check with you, Mattie?

Well, judging from how you were talking to Kat five minutes ago… probably never. They figured you’d never talk to Mattie.

It’s a lie, it defames someone, and it evidences someone who is not showing the love of Christ.

Oh, if only there were an omniscient deity who could communicate with you telepathically and solve this mystery!

Meanwhile, we go back to Rayford and his friends… Hi, Bruce’s unnamed zombie wife. I’m going to call you Tammy. Because I was watching Parks and Rec last night.

The preachers pulled no punches. They warned that God would again strike their land if they chose to ignore him. But they also thrilled the masses with the promises of the Lord.


He sounds nice.

Tsion Ben-Judah was holding forth one cool evening, telling a crowd of thousands, “Thus says the Lord of Hosts: ‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Thoughts of setting you on fire forever if you don’t do exactly what I say…

You shall fear the Lord your God and serve Him, and shall take oaths in His name.

Didn’t Jesus say don’t take oaths? Literally, he said don’t take oaths. Say yes or no and do it. And anything more than that is from the evil one.

Do Christians not read their bibles or do they just not notice the contradictions?

“ ‘For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth,

God does not know how the water cycle works. Yes, the rains and the snows return to the sky in the form of water vapor. It’s almost like an omniscient deity didn’t write the bible but some asshole who failed elementary school science did.

But it’s a particularly nice day-night so after Tsion is done unintentionally convincing me of atheism, they decide to camp out and tell stories.

Finally Tsion said, “Rayford, do you realize where we are?”

“I do, old friend. We’re not far from where you came through on your flight from Israel so many years ago. Tell the story. I don’t believe Mac and Bruce or the ladies have heard it.”

Or not. That story wasn’t exciting 10 books ago and it’s not going to be exciting here. You can almost hear Jerry Jenkins thinking, “PAGE FILLER! I NEED MORE PAGE FILLER HERE!”

“Well, okay. I had made my position clear on international television from Jerusalem that I, a rabbinical scholar, had come to the conclusion that all the prophecies of the Bible that pertained to the coming Messiah were fulfilled in the man Jesus. You can imagine the outcry. My family was slaughtered, and I was chased from the country.

I mean, I’m not an expert on Judaism or Jewish people, but it’s been my experience that when a Jewish person says, “I’m converting to Christianity!” most of his friends and family do not jump straight to murder as a reaction.

Tsion says how Cameron bought an old bus, and they drove from Israel to Egypt where a border station stopped them and a guard name Anis searched the van and found Tsion.

“He whispered hoarsely to me through clenched teeth in Hebrew, ‘You had better be who I think you are, or you are a dead man.’ What could I do? There was no more hiding, no hope in pretending I wasn’t there. I said to him, ‘Young man, my name is Tsion Ben-Judah.’

“Still holding my shirt in his fist and with his flashlight blinding me, he said, ‘Rabbi Ben-Judah, my name is Anis. Pray as you have never prayed before that my report will be believed. And now may the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and give you peace.’ As God is my witness, the young man stood and walked out of the bus. I lay there praising God with my tears until Cameron reboarded and drove away.”

“The strange thing was, I never found out whether the young Anis was an angel or a man, but I know he was sent from God.”

Chaim said, “I suspect that he was otherworldly, because much later I saw him outside the Garden Tomb—the same young man. Could it have been coincidence that he was assigned twice where our paths would intersect?”

“It was no accident,” came a new voice, causing Rayford and the others to jerk around. Standing just outside their shelter, the moon illuminating him and the fire dancing on his cheeks, was a man in silhouette. “I was your rear guard that night,” he said, “just as I am on this mission.”

And with that his image faded, and Rayford and the others fell on their faces, praising and thanking God.

Whooooooa… so let me get this straight… this angel got sent to Earth by God, joined the One World Government border patrol around Israel and hung out on this one road for God knows how long chatting with his partner and acting human until Buck and Tsion show up in an old bus. And then the angel doesn’t even know who Tsion is and threatens to murder him if he’s not Tsion and then tells Tsion to pray to God that his human partner believes the angel when he says the bus is empty and then after their gone, he what? Puts in his two week notice? Keeps playing border patrol guard until Jesus shows up?

None of this makes any sense and could also be much more of an interesting story than anything Jerry has actually written so far:

The Adventures of Anis, Border Patrol Angel.

Where is that book?

KC: HR’s Mandatory Sexual Harassment Training Session

Noah has left the building and gone to do… whatever stuff he does… probably drink to deal with his PTSD from watching God murder the entire Earth and leave him on a boat for over a year.

Kenny tried to get them to fashion model arks and line up toy animals,

“No, children, more dead floating babies and crying women clawing at the door to the ark!”

And to think that other heroes of the faith were scheduled! Fortunately, no one knew when.

There is no partiality with God… unless you’re on the VIP list.

Ekaterina was no less wired as they walked home, unabashedly holding hands now, even in front of others.

Her College Group leader will be taking her aside to lecture her about purity and modesty and how she natural desires are sinful and wicked.

Kenny knew the news of their being an item would soon get around.

“Hey, Jerry? What are the kids using these days to say when their sweet on each other? ‘Being an item’? Nailed it!”

We shift over to Abdullah where he realizes that it’s time to seriously seek the Lord. Somehow, despite Jesus being on the Earth in a location where they know He lives, this does not involve calling Jesus up on the phone and saying, “Hey, Lord? Yeah, Abdullah here. You had an assignment for me in Jordan, right? Yeah, that’s me. Anyway, could you maybe just tell me what the assignment is? Oh… wow… okay, you know that makes a lot more sense when you just tell me instead of sending me vague telepathic commands. Ha… yeah, I flew to Europe to try to get answers…”

Meanwhile Kenny gets together with Raymie… (Jesus, what is it with the ‘E’ endings for names?) and says Qasim spilled the beans to Kat about… God, I don’t fucking care… this is like listening to Junior High gossip.

“He told her everything?” Raymie said, clearly piqued.

Kenny nodded solemnly. “I mean, she can be trusted. We’re going together now, and I trust her.”

“Going together? Since when?”

“Last night.”

“You know there are things you won’t be able to tell her, just because Qasim seems to have a big mouth.”

“I will keep all confidences, but of course the day may come when I would want to nominate her for inclusion into the Force.”

“Kenny, please. I’ve got half a mind to disband the whole thing. It’s getting out of control.

Yeah! It’s out of control! We’ve had… meetings! And… more meetings! God… all the meetings. It’s too much, I tells ya! Too much! It has to stop before people find out about the meetings!

“Hold on. I thought you said you and she were going together.”

“Right, well, their date sort of brought things to a head.”

“So last night she was out with him, and since last night she’s going with you.”

“I know how that sounds.”

“Apparently you don’t.

Raymie slut-shames Kat.

How dare a young lady go on dinner dates with more than one fella! It’s unheard of, I tells ya! Next they’ll be wearing pants and demanding the sufferage!

Fuck you, Raymie.

Raymie decides it’s time for him to tell Qasim to get lost though.

“And what if I hear from the Jospins?”

“What if you do?”

“If Qasim can be believed, they think I’m with them and working covertly at COT. Should I try to string them along?”

Raymie shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t like it. How hard would it be for them to learn how tight you are with your parents, who run the place? And what are you going to say if they ask about Qasim?”

Wasn’t the entire point of the Junior God Squad to infiltrate the Satanists and work against them? And now that the Satanists might want to talk to Kenny, Raymie is like, “Oh no, I don’t know… that might mean we have to do something besides meetings and that’s just crazy talk.”

Raymie is literally every Evangelical I’ve ever worked on a committee with.

As far as what you’d say about Qasim… well, if you want to be straightforward and convincing, I’d say, “Fuck that asshole. He tried to steal the girl I love.”

The Ekaterina Kenny walked to work Monday morning was not the same one he walked home at the end of the day. The first was her bubbly, affectionate self who said her parents had noticed their affection for each other and were most excited. The latter Ekaterina was glum.

Ladies, always be smiling. It’s what your man wants. You are not allowed to have normal human emotions.

Kenny asks what’s bothering her.

“Oh, it’s just Qasim. I teased him about missing the biggest day COT ever had, and all he wanted was to keep bugging me about going out with him again.”

Wait, so it’s literally been less than 24 hours and Qasim will not leave you alone and keeps harassing you for dates even though you’ve made your intentions clear?

That’s sexual harassment.

I know Evangelicals don’t believe in sexual harassment, but that is definitely sexual harassment.

“I told him about us, of course. He couldn’t believe that could have happened so fast. He accused you of moving in on him, undercutting him as soon as you heard about our date. I assured him I had been friends with you before him and that we hadn’t even realized how we felt about each other until later.”

“I can’t blame him for being disappointed, Kat. I was too, when I heard you were going out with him.”

“I’ve never even had a boyfriend, and now I’ve got two fighting over me.”

No, you’ve got on boyfriend and one creepy ass dude sexually harassing you. It’s time to call HR.

“Well, when my mother talks to you about the transfer, that might be a good thing to mention. You can’t be trying to work with someone who’s upset with you.”

Sexual harassment, Kenny. It’s sexual harassment. Creating a hostile work environment.

“That’s just it, Kenny. I can’t remember the last time I was out of sorts with a brother in Christ…”

Really? Because I used to go to church all the time and there were people who hated each other’s guts, gossips, backstabbing, and church politics. If you’re all normals and not zombies, seems like churches would be full of arguments. Especially if Jesus is hiding in the Temple and not saying shit.

“You want me to talk to my mother?”

“No! Kenny! How would that look?”

Like a manager who just found out that one of his employees is being sexually harassed and is taking steps to protect her and deal with the situation.

Seriously, do you guys not get sexual harassment?

But now we leave Kat because Kenny gets an email from the Jospins saying “Hi, Hail Satan, send us all your spy info.”

Kenny says, “Give me some time.”

And that’s the end of that, because God forbid anything really happen in this book.

But Kenny gets a phone call from Bahira who says her brother is upset and Kenny has to tell her about how Raymie kicked Qasim out of the Jr. God Squad that he wasn’t really a part of anyway, and now Zaki is pissed off, even though he’s an undead zombie Christian and should be above this shit. So I’m still not getting how all of this works. How is a zombie Christian different from a regular one aside from being asexual and not aging? I wish this fucking book would explain it. I mean, I understand none of this stuff about glorification makes sense if you think about it, but at least try. Try to build some rules. Try to define some attributes.

Sigh… just… TRY, DAMN IT!

Anyway, it’s the next day now and Chloe is going to talk to Kat about her transfer request because now Chloe has gotten a bad report from someone about Kat and Jesus, it’s obviously from Qasim, the guy who has been sexually harassing her, but the book is going to insult our intelligence for the next God only knows how many chapters and try to make this seem like a mystery.

…But I do need to talk with you about a work report on you from your supervisor.”

“Mattie? She sent a report on me? A good one, I hope. We’ve gotten along great.”

“Actually, it’s a troubling one, Ekaterina.”

Duh duh Duuuuuuuuuuuh… Drama! Except not. And I don’t care. Fuck you, book.

KC: Clap Harder

The story of Noah starts.

Now, children, I may not look like I lived 950 years. That is because, when God granted me my glorified body, he set me back to midlife and the relatively spry age of just five hundred, when I was married and the father of three sons. Why did we live so long back then? For the same reason you will live long. The world actually exists now, as it did then, under a canopy of water that blocks the most harmful effects of the sun. When that condition no longer existed, life spans were greatly reduced, as history shows.

If you didn’t grow up in Evangelical Fundamentalist circles, you might not be familiar with the water canopy theory.

The theory basically says that God stuck a bunch of water vapor around the Earth and therefore people could live to be almost a 1,000 years old and that’s where God got all of the water from when he decided to flood the Earth.

It is, of course, a crock of shit.

First, let us look at atmospheric pressure. For the earth’s atmosphere, the pressure is almost exactly hydrostatic, since it is held to the earth by gravity and velocities are too low to significantly change the pressure. In plain language this means that the air pressure at any point is equal to the weight of the air in a unit area column above that point. At sea level, air pressure in US engineering units is about 14.5 pounds/sq inch because a column of air one inch square extending to the top of the atmosphere weighs (Guess what!?) 14.5 pounds. On top of Mt. Everest, the pressure is lower because the lowest and densest 9km of the atmosphere is below that point.

Now the “vapor canopy” would form a part of the atmosphere, being a body of gas (water vapor) gravitationally held to the earth. It would in fact be most of the pre-flood atmosphere. There would have to be enough vapor to form 9km of liquid, when condensed, and, therefore the vapor would weigh as much as 9km of water. The pressure at the earth’s surface, where Noah and family lived, would be equal to one atmosphere PLUS the weight of a 9km column of water of unit area. This is equivalent to the pressure 9km deep in the ocean. What is this pressure?       Well, each 10m of water is roughly equivalent to one atmosphere, so the pressure would be 900 atmospheres. The atmosphere would also have a composition of about 900 parts water vapor to one part of what we call air today.

How could an atmosphere almost 100% water vapor not condense? The temperature would have to be raised to the point where the partial pressure of water equals 900 atmospheres, i.e. the boiling point at that pressure.     So we find Noah et al. living in a 13,000psi boiler. Is this credible?

No, it’s not credible. But it’s meant to sound credible enough to keep you from thinking about the problems of the theory and settle back into your doubt-free belief in fairy tales.

But did you know that many revere me for something else? No? No one? I was the first to appreciate the juice of the grape as much as the meat, the fruit, of it, and devised a way to pull the liquid from it and make a drink of it

That would be news to the Chinese who were fermenting wine as early as 7000 BCE, but do go on…

You are too young for wine just yet, and one of my great regrets is that I embarrassed myself because of it as well. Worse, I sinned against God and humiliated myself, and this was after proving my faithfulness through obedience.

And then you cursed your grandson because his father saw your dick. True story.

“Like me, men began to have many children, especially because we were all living so long. The earth was growing with more and more people. This may be hard for some of you to understand, but during that time disobedient, fallen angels were banished from heaven and lived among men on the earth. They married human women against the will and law of God.

Yes, they really believe this. And if God really didn’t want angels to get freaky with human women, it seems like he could have done something about it. Also, this entire bullshit story of angel-human sex producing giants comes from the book of Enoch where God decides to kill off the giants and humans together because the angels taught people about metal working and makeup.

Why do people believe this?

God saw that most of the world was filled with wicked men and women, and He decided to give them only 120 years to see their need for Him, or He would wipe them off the face of the earth. The Lord said, ‘My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, for he is indeed flesh.’

Somehow the omnipotent, omniscient God of the universe never realized that people would turn out to be stupid prats. Also, when He did figure it out, why didn’t He just pop in to Earth and say, “Hey, assholes! Knock it off or I’m going to murder you with fire and snakes”?

“So the Lord said, ‘I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth, both man and beast, creeping thing and birds of the air, for I am sorry that I have made them.’

Maybe you should have known about that and done something so that humanity didn’t turn out to be assholes? No? Okay then.

But, children, somehow I, Noah, found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Now notice that I did not say that God found in me any good thing that made me worthy. I believed in Him, that He was the Creator and my Sovereign and my only Savior from sin. I humbled myself before Him and pledged faithfulness and obedience. That is all we can do.

Noah is humble bragging. No, no, there was nothing special about me. I just chose the right religion and was totally faithful to God! I’m not that special.

“Somehow God saw me as just, and I walked with Him. But the earth was corrupt and filled with violence. One day He said to me, ‘The end of all flesh has come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence through them; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make yourself an ark of gopherwood; make rooms in the ark, and cover it inside and outside with pitch.’ ”

God complains about violence being everywhere on the Earth. His solution? I’m going to kill every last motherfucker down here!

The girl nodded and Noah continued. “And the Lord told me how to make the ark. He said its length should be three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. Who knows what a cubit is?”

Several children tried to answer at once, convincing Rayford that they had recently been taught. Noah singled one out, who said, “The distance from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow of a grown man.”

The all-knowing God decides not to introduce the metric system to humanity and instead rely on inaccurate measurements.

Also, there is no way you could fit every species of animal into a boat that small.

“God said, ‘Behold, I Myself am bringing floodwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall die.’

“Can you imagine how that made me feel? I was grateful that I had found grace in His eyes, but it is a fearful thing to see almighty God at the end of His patience and mercy with all of mankind. It soon became clear that I and my family were to be the only humans left.

Really, Noah? You had no neighbors that you sort of liked? No one you’d say, “Hey, God, how about you don’t kill Shemech over there. He’s cool, dude!”

“ ‘And of every living thing of all flesh you shall bring two of every sort into the ark, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female. Of the birds after their kind, of animals after their kind, and of every creeping thing of the earth after its kind, two of every kind will come to you to keep them alive.

The kangaroos must have built a boat and sailed up from Australia. Where is there story?

Many have retold this story over the generations, leaving the impression that forty days and forty nights of solid rain was enough to cover the entire the earth. But the truth is that all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, besides the windows of heaven being opened. The water came from above and below!

And where did it all go then? Aliens? I bet it was aliens.

“My family and I were on that ark with every beast after its kind, all cattle after their kind, every creeping thing that creeps on the earth after its kind, and every bird after its kind, every bird of every sort, two by two, of all flesh in which was the breath of life, male and female of all flesh.

And somehow the carnivores didn’t tear through that buffet like hungry Americans.

Well, as you might imagine, all flesh died that moved on the earth: birds and cattle and beasts and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, and every man

And puppies and kitties and babies. Lots and lots of dead babies floating everywhere. Could have made a raft with all the little corpses. God is love!

While I was relieved and grateful that somehow I had found favor in His eyes, imagine how lonely we felt, knowing that at the end of this, we would be the fathers of all the generations yet to come.

Also, all the incest. Just all this crazy sister-fucking, niece fucking, granddaughter fucking incest.

Then God spoke to me, saying, ‘Go out of the ark, you and your wife, and your sons and your sons’ wives with you. Bring out with you every living thing of all flesh that is with you: birds and cattle and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, so that they may abound on the earth, and be fruitful and multiply on the earth.’

And all of the predators agreed to be good sports and go hungry for another year until the herbivores could produce a sustainable ecosystem that could endure their predations! Hooray!

Also, the kangaroos took the ark back to Australia, but swung by Antarctica to drop off the penguins!

Then I built an altar to the Lord and offered burnt offerings to Him.

Yes, kids, I made the unicorns extinct. In hindsight, I should have waited until they had a baby or two before I offered them as burnt offerings to the Lord.

He said, ‘I will never again curse the ground for man’s sake, although the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; nor will I again destroy every living thing as I have done. While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, and day and night shall not cease.’

Then later, He said, “Hahaha… yeah, I’m just fucking with you. I’m totally going to destroy the Earth again with fire.”

Also, thanks, dickhead author of Genesis for giving conservatives this verse so they wouldn’t believe in Climate Change even though this whole fucking story is about a radical instance of climate change.

It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.

Also, Leprechauns will store their pots of gold at the end of them!

So Noah gives an altar call and leaves thanking God for using him to save people from God.