Category Archives: Faith

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 48-49


Surah 48: Victory

The occasion of this surah is that Mohammed has just won a victory in battle, so this is his chance to say, “Hey, guys, see? See? I am the messenger of God and if you stick with me, you all get gardens in heaven when you die unlike those jerks who didn’t follow me.”

“If you make an oath to me (Mohammed), you make an oath to God!”

Also, those Bedouins sucked because they didn’t follow me into battle. Now they’ll get their chance, but they’ll have to fight a greater army to prove themselves worthy of those gardens in heaven.

God has sent serenity down to his Messenger and his followers, which is why we just killed a bunch of people, right?

I’m totally the spokesperson for God.

 

 Surah 49: The Dwellings

Don’t talk about the Prophet or talk to him loudly at all. Speak quietly. God will reward those who don’t hurt the Prophet’s ears.

If you hear something from a worthless jerk, verify it before you pass it along.

Hey, look at that, useful information for us today. *Facebook* *Twitter*

Look, if the Prophet listened to you people and obeyed you, all sorts of bad stuff would happen. So your opinions don’t matter.

This is grace from the Lord.

If there’s a disagreement and one party decides not to follow Mo’s advice, fight against him until they agree to follow Mo’s advice.

Don’t mock or belittle other groups or people.

Don’t believe gossip.

Mohammed really doesn’t like the Bedouins.

True believers consider all of their stuff to be Allah’s stuff and fight for him. Really, God is doing you a favor by letting you be a Muslim and give him all of your stuff.

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An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 47: Muhammad


God loves the believers and forgives them, but destroys the unbelievers.

When you encounter an unbeliever, you should strike at their necks. And when you’ve killed enough of them, bind the survivors firmly. Now you could release them or you can ransom them.

Of course, God doesn’t need you to fight for Him, He could do it Himself, but He is testing some of you to see if you guys will kill for Him, I guess.

And those of you who die will totally, truly, I am not lying, be remembered by God and rewarded

Have they not journeyed through the earth and seen the consequences for those before them? God poured destruction upon them

Exhibit A on why you’re wrong, Mohammed:

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You can believe in God because we totally killed lots of cities with the sword.

God has a really nifty garden with milk, water, and honey waiting for you. Also, lots of fruit. In hell you get boiling water that slices up your colon.

Some of you will walk away in disbelief, not because I haven’t offered you any proof or reason to believe what I’m saying, but because God has hardened your hearts. The rest of you should believe though. Seriously, that invisible heavenly garden is really, really, really good.

If you don’t like the whole bit about slaughtering the unbelievers in war, woe to you.

God doesn’t accept cafeteria Muslims.

Seriously, don’t get all mushy and ask for peace with unbelievers while you have the upper hand. Keep fighting against them. God will be with you.

This life doesn’t matter, so be willing to die for God or God will replace you (and probably set you on fire forever) and then those people will be willing to fight and die for God.

A Tale of Two Countries…


The king was a vain, insecure man. A vicious brute who would last out and murder his critics. A small man trying to be big. He built monuments to himself and his glory.

And when the Kingdom of Heaven was at his doorstep, challenging his insecurities, calling him to a better path, he did what all small, insecure men do, he bullied the weak, the powerless, and the helpless.

He stole their children.

16 Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the wise men. 17 Then was fulfilled what was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying:

18 “A voice was heard in Ramah,
Lamentation, weeping, and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children,
Refusing to be comforted,
Because they are no more.”

The Kingdom of Heaven, if there is such a thing anymore, still calls out. It still stands on the doorstep. It still challenges venal, insecure brutes to let go and act to help the weak, the powerless, and the helpless.

And wicked tyrants still lash out at the vulnerable.

So it goes…

But please, do tell me of your good Christian virtues and how God anointed this pathetic waste of a human soul to lead this country to ‘greatness’.

One Nation Under God – 2


They sell the innocent for silver,
and the needy for a pair of sandals.

They trample on the heads of the poor
as on the dust of the ground
and deny justice to the oppressed.

“Now then, I will crush you
as a cart crushes when loaded with grain.

The swift will not escape,
the strong will not muster their strength,
and the warrior will not save his life.

I will tear down the winter house
along with the summer house;
the houses adorned with ivory will be destroyed
and the mansions will be demolished,”
declares the Lord.

There are those who hate the one who upholds justice in court
and detest the one who tells the truth.

You levy a straw tax on the poor
and impose a tax on their grain.
Therefore, though you have built stone mansions,
you will not live in them;
though you have planted lush vineyards,
you will not drink their wine.
For I know how many are your offenses
and how great your sins.

There are those who oppress the innocent and take bribes
and deprive the poor of justice in the courts.

Seek good, not evil,
that you may live.
Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you,
just as you say he is.
Hate evil, love good;
maintain justice in the courts.

“I hate, I despise your religious festivals;
your assemblies are a stench to me.
Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them.
Though you bring choice fellowship offerings,
I will have no regard for them.
Away with the noise of your songs!
I will not listen to the music of your harps.
But let justice roll on like a river,
righteousness like a never-failing stream!

One Nation Under God…


If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

Sessions

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

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If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Trump Charity

Love is patient, love is kind.

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It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

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It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil 

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but rejoices with the truth.

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It always protects,

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always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 41: Detailed


If you have to write in your book how great your book is, then it’s not good.

So some unbelievers say, “Hey, look, we don’t think your religion is for us. What do you say you guys believe your way and we’ll keep believing our way.”

And Mohammed says, “Well, if you guys want to deny that God is one god  and do what I say and enjoy the fires of hell, so be it.”

Moses said God created the heavens and the Earth in six days, but Mohammed’s like, “Hey, God did it in two! Okay, he took four days to figure out what he wanted to put on the Earth. But in two days, he made the universe and attached it with some stabilizing lines to the ceiling of his room. In fact, God created seven universes in two days!”

But if people don’t believe, you’re to tell them about Aad and Thamood. And how God sent some really strong winds to show them the error of their ways. That’ll teach ‘em. Unlike say God coming down and speaking to everyone instead of one desert warlord in the ninth century.

Next we have to go back to hell, because that’s Mohammed’s favorite revenge fantasy.

He reminds us that God is going to force us to go to hell. Which definitely contradicts the whole merciful thing he’s always talking about, but we’ll go with it.

We’ll go with it because on our judgment day, God is going to call our skin to the witness stand to testify against us.

“Well, he never moisturized enough and he popped a lot of zits as a teenager and you’re not supposed to do that.”

And we’ll say, “How the fuck is my skin talking?”

And they’ll say, “God! Checkmate, heathens!”

Now we unbelievers may say, “Why is the Quran so terrible to read? Couldn’t God write a better book that was easy to understand and less repetitive?”

That’s just because we’re not special enough to understand it.

Now God gave Moses a clear book (not really) and people disputed about what it said. So it’s a good thing that no two Muslims have ever disputed about the Quran and what it said and say, broke off into two major sects and several minor sects that constantly bicker and war over it to this day.

And God is super needy and really upset that you people aren’t as pious when things are going well for you as you are when you’re starving, sick, homeless, or about to die in a religious war thousands of miles from home in the desert.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 40: Forgiver


God is the ultimate tyrant. He sent down this book. If you have questions or argue about this book, you’re not a real believer.

People didn’t listen to Noah, so God slaughtered them mercilessly and He seems quite happy about it several thousand years later. (Even though a worldwide flood did not happen.)

God is going to send you all to hell for not believing in the right religion.

God, being self-sufficient, also likes to surround himself with hype men who sing his praises and they ask him to be kind to the people who do believe in the right religion and to let them in to the really nice garden.

God really hates people who don’t believe in the right religion.

God is the ultimate tyrant who will decide who gets what. And somehow Mohammed thinks eternal fire is a just punishment for unbelief.

Hey, it’s the Moses story again and he doesn’t get that right. Pharaoh killed all of the Hebrew baby boys before Moses challenged him, not afterwards.

Then Mohammed invents a dialog between Pharaoh and a newly converted Egyptian Muslim (back in the day of Moses, mind you) who tells Pharaoh and Egypt that they need to listen to Moses and convert to Islam too or God is going to fuck them up big time. And Pharaoh wants to build a giant tower to go have a talk with God to see if Moses is telling the truth.

But the new Muslim tells his people to follow him because, and I quote, “the life of this world is nothing but fleeting enjoyment, but the Hereafter is the Home of Permanence.”

Yeah… this life isn’t important. This world isn’t important. All that matters is after death.

This bothers the hell out of me because I grew up with that worldview in fundamentalist Christianity. This world was just a practice run or a test. The only thing that mattered is making sure you have your eternity settled. Never mind trying to make the world a better place or trying to solve the structural injustices and oppression of this world, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is believing in the right religion.

This is not a healthy world view.

So Mohammed continues to imagine his naysayers and enemies writhing in eternal fire begging the keepers of hell to give them a day where they suffer less, but HAHAHAHAHA… no. Burn, you heathen devils, burn!

God is merciful.

So everyone be patient. Sure right now things seem to suck, but he have a heavenly garden awaiting us.

And Mohammed rounds out the surah with some more “proofs” of God’s existence, like food and food brought on ships.