Category Archives: GOP

The impeachment of Donald Trump… How we got here: A helpful timeline.


11-2016: Donald Trump gets elected President.

1-2017: Donald Trump is inaugrated. He kicks off his presidency and it’s long list of lies by lying about how many people showed up.
Some Democratic voters: We should impeach the bastard!

Democratic leaders. Come on, guys, he hasn’t done anything yet. Let’s give him a chance and just focus on trying to make the best of things and get ready for 2018.

5-2017: Mueller investigation starts. James Comey is fired to put a stop to it.

Democratic voters: Okay, how can we impeach the bastard?
Democratic leaders: Let’s investigate the matter first.
Republicans: Eh… we really don’t want to.

11-2018: Democratic voters: Okay, you have a majority in the House now. Can you start really investigating the whole Mueller thing now?

Democratic leaders: Okay. But we’re going to be nice, slow, and deliberative.
Democratic voters: Ugggggh… why do you have to be so… responsible, damn it!?!

4-2019: Mueller report drops.
Bill Barr: Complete Exoneration.
Donald Trump: Complete Exoneration.
Democratic leaders and voters: That’s not what it says. We can read, you know.
Mueller: Yeah, that’s not at all what I said.
Republicans: COMPLETE EXONERATION! LALALALALALALAL!
Democratic voters: Impeach now?
Democratic leaders: Shh… let us investigate more. You guys start getting ready for 2020, okay?
Trump: 2020, you say? Hmm…

9-2019: Whistleblower complaint.
Whistleblower: Holy ****, everyone. The President tried to bribe the President of Ukraine to go on CNN and help him rig the 2020 election.
Trump: Read the transcript!
(Everyone reads transcript)
Democratic voters: You tried to bribe the President of Ukraine to go on CNN and help you rig the 2020 election.
Trump: Read the transcript!
Democratic leaders: You tried to bribe the President of Ukraine to go on CNN and help you rig the 2020 election.
Trump: Read the Transcript!
Republicans: That’s not what it says, and even if it does say that, he didn’t do it, and if he did it, he didn’t understand what he was doing, anyway, it’s not illegal, it’s completely normal!
Unlike lying about a blow job.

11-2019: Impeachment inquiry

Democratic leaders: Sigh… I guess we have no choice. Did Donald Trump do the shit?
Witnesses under oath: Yeah, he did the shit.
Republicans: I like paste!
Trump: TRANSCRIPT! SHIFTY SCHIFF! ARGLE BARGLE!!!
Republicans: Sigh… such leadership!


12-18-2019:

Democratic leaders: Well, shit… I guess we’ve got no choice. This idiot actually did try to bribe a foreign government to help him rig the election. Impeach him.
Democratic voters: Finally!
Republicans: YOU JUST WANT TO UNDO THE 2016 ELECTION! YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO IMPEACH HIM!
Some Democratic voters: Well, yeah, he’s a stupid corrupt assclown and a criminal.
Democratic leaders: Uh… have you guys actually met us? We’ve been dragging our feet on this shit for a year now. It’s not our fault he’s so stupid he tried to bribe a foreign leader to help him rig an election.

 

One Nation Under God…


If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

Sessions

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

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If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Trump Charity

Love is patient, love is kind.

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It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

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It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil 

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but rejoices with the truth.

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It always protects,

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always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

The Trump-Kim talks


I don’t get political here as much anymore, but someone claiming to be a time traveler sent me a small clip from an audio file… and, well, if you live in Hawaii, you should probably consider moving to the mainland.

Trump: Kimmy, may I call you, Kimmy?
Kim: No. And may I say what large and impressive hands you have, Mr. President.
Trump: Thank you, Kimmy, I’m glad you noticed. Now look, we can’t have you building nukes that can hit America. Some of my voters live there.
Kim: Okay, we will stop new ICBM tests. (Because we’re confident in our existing supply.)
Trump: That is great news.
Kim: In exchange, we would like a formal end to the Korean war and the withdraw of your troops from the Demilitarized Zone.
Trump: I think we can do that. What about nuclear tests?
Kim: We will suspend nuclear tests. (Because our testing site collapsed.)
Trump: You are a great man. What can we do for you?
Kim: Renewed economic aid.
Trump: Done.
Kim: And lastly, we put the great name of Trump on our tallest, most impressive hotel, the Ryugyong Hotel that stands majestically over Pyongyang.
Trump: I knew you were okay. Everyone else tried to tell me you were a bad man, but I said, “I know Kimmy is a good guy. Great guy.”
Kim: Thank you, Mr. President. We would also like Hawaii.
Trump: Deal. It’s not even a part of the United States.

How Welfare reform works (Maine edition)


Scene: The beautiful state of Maine:

Citizen: “I’m poor and need to eat. Please help me.”

Maine: “F*** you!”

(six months later)

Maine: “The number of our welfare recipients has fallen! Thus there are no more hungry people! Therefore, our reform plan was an unmitigated success!”

 

Citizen: “I’m still hungry…”

 

Maine: “An unmitigated success…”

“But I’m pro-life!” (rimshot)


HUGH HEWITT: Could you order air strikes that would kill innocent children by not the scores, but the hundreds and the thousands? Could you wage war as a commander-in-chief?

CARSON: [L]ater on, you know, they really realize what’s going on. And by the same token, you have to be able to look at the big picture and understand that it’s actually merciful if you go ahead and finish the job, rather than death by 1,000 pricks.

(Sings) Jesus loves the little child-ren. All the children of the world…

HEWITT: So you are OK with the deaths of thousands of innocent children and civilian? It’s like…

CARSON: You got it. You got it.

(Continues singing) bloody, broken, black and blue, we are bombing all of you!

“That is what war… can you be as ruthless as Churchill was in prosecuting the Nazis?” Hewitt pressed on.

(Singing) Jesus loves the little children of the world… except the Muslims…

If…


If this 353rd mass shooting had been committed by Bob from Accounting instead of Syed, Republicans would have already told us to move on and would have forgotten about it.

A few minor corrections…


Dr. Ben Carson gave this statement today to the press regarding the revelation that despite his claims to the contrary, he did not receive a full scholarship to West Point:
“Thank you all for coming. At the advice of my campaign manager and our legal team, I would like to clear up a few misconceptions about my past.

“To start with, contrary to claims made in my autobiography, I did not single-handedly stop a group of international terrorists from killing hostages at the Nakatomi building. That was the fictional character John McLane. I apologize to Mr. Bruce Willis and would like to say that I truly enjoy his movies, including Blind Date… which is also a lie. Nobody enjoyed Blind Date.

“Secondly, on page 257, where I said, I was the daring X-wing pilot that fired the proton torpedoes that destroyed the Death Star. That is also factually incorrect. That was Luke Skywalker. Apologies to the Disney Corporation and I hope this will convince you to withdraw any pending litigation.

“Regarding page 391. I was never known as the Boy Who Lived. Nor did I train to be a wizard. That was Harry Potter. The lightning bolt ‘scar’ on my forehead was drawn with a Sharpie. Apologies to J.K.Rowling and the Sharpie corporation.

“Likewise on page 448, a minor correction: I did not carry the one ring to Mt. Doom. The only ring I’ve ever carried or worn has been my wedding ring. Which does not make me invisible. Apologies to the Tolkien Estate and New Line Cinema.

“I did not beat the Kobyashi Maru test. That was James Kirk.

“I did not stop the bad guy with a golden gun, Scaramanga, that was James Bond…

“And I was not the first apostle martyred for my faith, that was St. James.

“And lastly, I was not known as the godfather of soul, that would be James Brown… apologies to everyone named James. Thank you. There will be no questions…”

Previewing tonight’s debate


“America, **** yeah! OBAMA… BAD! IRAN… BAD! MEXICANS… BAD! HEALTHCARE BAD! ISRAEL… GOOD. Woo! America! **** yeah! Woo! Freedom! Woooooo!”

Repeat 9x in slightly different verbiage.

Suggested music for tonight’s GOP debate…


The GOP defends measles because FREE-DUMB!!!!


Jesus Christ… save us from the stupid, please.

Apparently the GOP is now in favor of letting parents potentially inflict deadly disease upon their kids and upon other innocent people, because… fuck it all… freedom, of course!

See, you’re free to vaccinate your kids, but other parents should be free to not vaccinate their children and spread measles, mumps, whooping cough, and why the fuck not, polio too! Won’t that be fun to watch your kids get paralyzed in the name of your neighbor’s freedom to be an ignorant buffoon.

I suppose once you have completely rejected the idea of the common good because it might require something of you, then it’s only inevitable when you throw in your lot with selfish assholes who are willing to let their kids get seriously ill and turn into little biological weapons spreading life threatening diseases to others.

If I thought these sociopaths had the capacity for empathy or emotion, I’d wish them to be put on a flight and taken to a place where people are begging for vaccines to save their kids from these diseases that ravage communities in the third world.

God damn it. These people are going to kill people in the name of playing politics and internet stupidity.