Category Archives: Humor

The temptations of Jesus…


“Wait, so you’re god, but god sent you out here to the wilderness for forty days with no food and no water?”

“Yeah… it’s… complicated.”

“Well, why don’t you just make some bread to eat out of these rocks?”

“Man will not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

“You know that’s bullshit, right? Like if you don’t eat, you’ll starve to death. Like those millions of kids every year who aren’t magically sustained by “your word.””

“Ouch…”

“Yeah, I’m not the one sitting on my ass letting it happen.”

“God will provide…”

“Like he provides for the aforementioned starving children?”

“Stop that! You’re ruining the script!”

“Okay… what else… you’re going to be persecuted and hated by men… right… why don’t you leap off the Temple spire and have some angels catch you. That should convince everyone you’re god.”

“You shall not tempt the Lord your God…”

“You’re kidding?”

“No…”

“I mean, you’re tempting God right now by saying he’s gonna feed you magically and keep you from dying instead of taking it into your own hands to feed yourself like any sane person would.”

“Yeah, but-“

“’I sent you a boat and a helicopter!’ Never heard that joke?”

“You’re really making this worse.”

“What if I bring you food? Does that make me god? Or would you have to turn it down and wait for literal manna from heaven?”

“I don’t…”

“Hell, what if I gave you the world on a plate? Made you Caesar Jesus of Nazareth without all the nasty hatred and persecution and death? World peace. Jesus reigns forever. Physical literal proof of god for all mankind forever. No one goes to hell with me and the boys. I dare say that would make me a better god than Jehovah.”

“Stop it!”

“I’m better than Jeho-vah! I’m better than Je-ho-vah!”

“Just get out of here, would you!?”

“Alright, but don’t come crying to me when Jehovah fucks you over and billions of people still go to hell and 99% of your followers turn out to be assholes.”

“That might be a bit far, Tom…”


Sometimes I think the Death Eaters might have just been like this weird after school Goth club that got WAY out of hand. Like Tom, Lucius, Snape, and the gang were just hanging out at the pub one night slamming butter beers and Snape’s like, “Dude, you know who sucks?”
“Cats!” Peter Pettigrew said.
 
“Dumbledoor?” Lucius said.
 
“Everyone!” Tom says. “Everyone sucks but us, man!”
 
“Yeah, I guess so, but I was mostly thinking of Potter. I was totally gonna ask Lily to the prom, but he beat me to it.” Snape says.
 
“Were you really going to ask Lily?” Lucius says, “Or were you gonna sit in your bunk crying about it for three weeks?”
 
“I was thinking about it… I mean… I was thinking of thinking of asking her. But now that I think about it, Tom, you’re right, everyone does suck.”
 
“Yeah,” Tom said. “But you guys are cool.”
 
“You’re cool too, Tom,” Peter says.
 
“Shut up, Peter,” everyone said.
 
“Like we should do this more often. Why don’t we hang out more often?” Tom said. “We should totally hang out more often guys. The Not-Suck club.”
 
“We need a better name,” Lucius slurred. “Like something evil and dark and cool, man. The Warlocks… or Dragon Riders or Death something.”
 
“Death Eaters!” Tom said.
 
“Dude, that is so friggin’ cool, man. Like we eat death for breakfast!” Snape said.
 
“Yeah, man! And we should wear like awesome jackets!” Peter said.
 
“Or robes. Like black robes with super killer masks!” Lucius said.
 
“Dude,” Tom said. “That would be so friggin sweet.”
“You know what, guys? You know what? I have the best idea… guys… the best idea,” Snape said. “Two words… MATCHING TATTOOS!”
 
“DUDE!” everyone said before chugging the butter beer in front of them.
 
“It can be like a snake with a frigging skull, man. A SKULL!” Tom shouted.
 
“Oh my God. Let’s go get it done right now before we change our minds!” Lucius said.
 
“And conquer the world and enslave all of humanity!” Tom added.
 
“Yeah, sure…. Maybe,” Snape said. “But seriously, the tattoo guys!”
 
“The tattoo!”

KC:Sunday School with a Murderer


WHEN DAVID, the king of Jerusalem and Jesus’ prince’

And murderer and rapist…

 strode onto COT property, Cameron buzzed Chloe and they rolled into action. Word spread quickly throughout the staff that it was time to round up all the kids and get them in place.

Truly all of the children need to hear from this great model for human behavior.

“Greetings, greetings,” David called out. “Thanks for inviting me and for your attention. I have a most busy rest of the day at the temple

Doing what exactly? What do all these assholes actually do?

 It begins when I was the same age as many of you.

Then I became a child soldier, fell in love with a prince, and had a homicidal king try to murder me constantly. Then I became an outlaw extorting protection money from local farmers. Then I betrayed my country and joined the Philistines. Then I slaughtered just a lot of innocent Gentile villages down to every man, woman, and child like you, stole their shit, and gave a portion to the king I took an oath to and lied to him about it coming from the Israelis. Then, after a series of extremely convenient murders (wink wink), I became King of Israel, where I continued to loot and plunder the lands around me until I raped a friend’s wife and had him murdered. But I digress…

Once our neighboring enemies, the Philistines, gathered their armies together for battle at Sochoh, which belonged to Judah. Saul and the men of Israel, including my brothers, were encamped in the Valley of Elah and drew up in battle array against the Philistines. Now picture this: the Philistines stood on a mountain on one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side, with a valley between them.

“A champion came out from the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, from Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. You know from hearing Noah’s story how long a cubit is. Well, a span is about half a cubit, so in today’s measures, we would say Goliath was about nine feet nine inches tall.”

The children seemed to gasp as one.

David laughed. “Oh, believe me, I know how big he was, for I saw him, and I was still but a lad!

Funny story, Children. Actually, I didn’t see him at all. There was actually this guy named Elhanan. He was a tough solider and he killed Goliath. Yeah, I know. Somehow the story got attributed to me, but Elhanan did it. Seriously, if you read the story you all know, you can see that a lot of the details clash and don’t make much sense. But ancient scribes tried their best to reconcile the details, but I ended up with the legend of killing Goliath. You can see the truth in 2 Samuel 21:19. Now I know some of your bibles try to say that Elhanan killed the brother of Goliath, but that bit was added by a scribe almost 600-700 years after the fact in the Chronicles books.

Anyway, let’s just pretend that I did kill Goliath…

“Goliath cried out to the armies of Israel, ‘Why have you come out to line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and you the servants of Saul? Choose a man and let him come down to me. If he is able to kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us. I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.’

So you know this story. David’s dad sends him off to the army camp with supplies and David hears Goliath’s challenge. David decides to go kill Goliath. And everyone from the king on down says, “Yeah… okay, let’s bet our future and our freedom on a thirteen year old kid fighting a professional soldier almost twice his height.”

David kills Goliath with a sling and a stone and cuts off Goliath’s head with his own sword.

“I took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem and presented it to Saul.”

This was not the grossest thing I presented to Saul as tribute. It was foreskins. Bags of foreskins. I handled a LOT of penises, kids.

“I have many stories I could tell,” he said, “of how King Saul eventually turned on me and hated me and tried to kill me. Of his son Jonathan, who became my best friend.

Yes, I did mean to do air quotes around “Best friend”. We were gay. Totally gay. Well, I was bi. He was gay.

Of the time when I sinned greatly against the Lord and was abject in my sorrow and repentance until He forgave me.

And killed my baby instead of me. And then God arranged to have ten of my wives raped in public. But he didn’t kill me. So I had that going for me.

I was eventually crowned king of Israel, and late in my reign it came to pass that I was dwelling in my house, and the Lord had given me rest from all my enemies.

Because my armies had killed them all, kids. No magic there. Just I was a brutal warlord who subdued every nation and tribe around me.

David wants to build a Temple of YHWH, but YHWH says, “Dude… you’re a killer. I can’t have that.”

“Haven’t you killed like billions of people, Lord?”

“Huh… you’re right. You’d be the perfect guy to build me a temple. But, uh… I guess have your son do it.”

”The one you didn’t kill?”

“Yeah… uh, the one I didn’t kill.”

“Then the Lord told Nathan of me, ‘Your house and your kingdom shall be established forever before you. Your throne shall be established forever*.’

*Forever should not mean forever. It means spiritually forever because we read the bible literally and reading it literally sometimes means we have to read it figuratively because what it literally says contradicts other passages in the bible, history, or archeology.

Haha… I mean, if we read the bible literally here than the… bible… would be… wrong… ha ha…? Oh, God, I’ve wasted my entire life on this bullshit.

“Now, children, I want you to rise, and I want to teach you the proper way to worship the Lord God of Hosts, Jehovah, Messiah.”

Strip down to your underwear and dance suggestively like I did!

And then David quotes a bunch of Psalms and apparates back to the Temple like some Harry Potter level shit there.

KC: Manufactured Conflict, Damn It!


OVER THE next several days, Kenny vacillated between the thrill of his relationship with Ekaterina—they had both professed their love by now and had begun enjoying brief good-night kisses—and a dread over what he was going to do about communicating with Ignace and Lothair Jospin. There would soon be no more putting them off.

Ah, brief good-night kisses. Such passion. Such romance.

Also, let me solve your problem, Kenny.

“Dear Ignace and Lothair, you have dumb names. Seriously, they’re just so dumb. Also, I’m going to be expanding my Jesus Home for Orphans Jesus Made into France to oppose you. Lulz.”

But artificial conflict is conflict, damn it!

He had an idea, a fun one he thought Ekaterina would love, but also one that might help him find valuable counsel. He wanted to update Bruce Barnes, his parents’ old friend, on him and Kat and see if he was willing to officiate at their wedding someday.

Evangelical relationships. From “God told me to date you” to “Let’s get married and have sex!” in three… maybe four weeks tops.

Or as we used to call it: “Bible college.”

Chloe was troubled.

That she married an idiot? That she was devoid of free will and a puppet to an all-powerful being that tortured people? That God tortured people?

But that day her in-box had brought another upsetting note. Unsigned, of course.

If only there was an all-knowing deity that you had a psychic connection with. But I’m going to go with God as the author insert. God knows exactly who wrote the notes, but is forcing Chloe to act out her part in the play to entertain himself.

This note read: Kenneth B. Williams is your culprit in the Risto personnel matter.

Great. Throw it away. Or better yet, have the God Cops come in and dust for fingerprints.

God cop.  All God. All cop.

Let’s check in with Abdullah in a plot that at least has something to do with trying to save people from Turbo Vengeance Jesus.

It felt weird to Abdullah to be strolling to “work” every day with a portfolio full of papers and his Bible, setting up shop, as he liked to call it, in the enemy’s lair. It violated every boundary of logic he had ever been aware of, and yet God knew. His ways are not our ways, Abdullah reminded himself.

For example, my ways would not have included Pediatric Cancer and Hell. In that way, I’m better than God.

Mudawar himself had actually been consulting Abdullah almost daily. Despite Mudawar’s appearing to take out his impatience and frustration on Sarsour, he seemed to treat Abdullah with more and more deference. Gone was the sarcastic tone and the ridicule. Often he would ask earnestly, “If I wrote something like this about God, would believers say I was wrong or unfair, or would they just be bothered because they don’t understand Him either?”

Abdullah would study the paragraph and at times even feel led to advise Mudawar how to better frame his argument against God.

 

Now, you might be tempted to think that as Abdullah is exposed to different ideas and thinks them through, that he might come to see Mudawar’s point a bit and even have an internal dialog with God about the good arguments the Other Light folks are making.

But you’d be wrong.

We’re not going to engage the argument, we’re going to avoid it.

But Abdullah felt God compel him to love the man as Jesus would. No argument of man could besmirch the name of the Lord.

And I think the book is poorer for it. These are some of the more difficult questions that Christians should wrestle with. They should look at their discomfort of “Hell” and question it. They should look at their discomfort with the idea of having to choose between being a slave to God or a slave to Satan.

But they don’t. And so we move on in the narrative.

Abdullah is being nice to the Satanists. He’s buying them their favorite coffee. He’s buying them their favorite hummus, which Jenkins helpfully explains to his readership that thinks Chipotle qualifies as “ethnic food.”

Abdullah continues to woo Sarsour with his tales from the Rapture.

Meanwhile, Chloe decides to show the new letter to Kenny.

Kenny, meanwhile, gets a call from Bruce while he’s with Kat. He gives her a half-truth that he just wanted to talk to Bruce about infiltrating the Jospins, which seems like a big no-no here in Jesusland.

That night Raymie called a meeting of the Millennium Force, and it was clear Zaki was not happy. “You still pining over your buddy?” Raymie said. “I don’t get it. All of us except Kenny here have glorified minds, and you’re still obsessing over what I had to say to Qasim.”

Yeah, I don’t get it either. You’re glorified. Which means you should be sinless and incapable of sin. You should be as foreign to us humans as an alien species would be. But you’re just as screwed up as Kenny and the non-zombies.

I’m starting to think that Jenkins and LaHaye haven’t really thought their afterlife through.

They want perfect humans, but perfect humans cannot have conflicts, so they treat their perfected humans like actual humans and manufacture conflict.

It’s shit writing is what I’m saying.

But after months of meeting in committee talking about maybe they should do something, maybe they shouldn’t, they realize that we’re more than halfway through this fucking book and tell Kenny to go play superspy even though they already know about the Other Light and what they’re trying to do.

I mean, it would be one thing to send Kenny in and get a list of names of people that they could reach out to from the Other Light, but they’re not going to do that.

Back over to Abdullah so we can learn that Mudawar doesn’t want him around when other Other Light people drop by to visit.

“Kenny,” Chloe said, “I decided to call both of you in because I know you’ll tell Ekaterina anyway.”

He and Kat looked at each other. “Tell her what?”

Chloe spun the note on her desk so both could read it.

Ekaterina said, “Oh, for the love . . .”

“Good grief, Mom. Really, why do you even waste your time on stuff like this? You know how ridiculous this is. I’m in love with this woman and plan to marry her. I would no more do her harm than I would harm myself!”

Okay, so we’ve got the second note with a false accusation and everyone agrees it’s totally ridiculous and they shouldn’t pay any attention to it.

You should keep this in mind because the… I don’t know… central conflict of the book is coming soon and is just as much bullshit, but everyone goes with it, because manufactured conflict, damn it!

10 Gift Ideas for Christians in your life that you hate…


I was surfing around online and came across a Christian gift idea so stunningly awful that it sent me down the rabbit hole of unintentionally funny or bad Christian gifts. So to help you with your holiday shopping for your devout Christian friends and family, I’d like to present to you my holiday gift guide for Christians in your life that you hate.

Finally, a holiday gift for the Evangelical Christian who is also a massive Sons of Anarchy fan in your life:

bikerjesus

 

I hope your game at getting into heaven is better than your game on the court, son, or you will get REJECTED again!

basketball Jesus
Seriously, Jesus is like, “GET THAT LAYUP SHIT OUT OF MY FATHER’S HOUSE!”

Speaking of “Sports fan Jesus,” do you know what a 1st century Judean rabbi who lived in a desert his entire life would be super good at? HOCKEY!

hockey jesus

Continuing on the Sports theme, did you ever want a picture of ‘roided up Jesus pinning 19th century philosopher Karl Marx? You do nowMMAJesus

“BLESSED ARE THE RICH, KARL! FOR THEY ARE THE JOB MAKERS! OH YEAAAAAAAH!”

Continuing on with bad T-shirts, is this gem:

hentai jesus

Which I almost feel bad making fun of it, because I can just imagine it’s the product of some desperate wife out there saying, “Honey, I love Macross and Dragon Ball Z too, but you have to stop looking at tentacle porn! How can I compete with a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl with 44DDD breasts being raped by a tentacle monster?”

Also, obvious joke, “In Japan, Jesus always comes first…” is obvious.

And in more sex ideas, as if sex between two guilt ridden virgins who had been trained to think of sex as evil their entire lives wasn’t awkward enough, here’s a constant reminder that each time you do it with your spouse, it’s always a threesome because Jesus is there.

threesomejesus

He’s watching you guys. He knows where you’ve asked Sarah to stick that dildo, Bob… Marriage takes three…

And if you needed another reminder, Ghost Jesus is watching you masturbate.

ghostjesus

If you travel North, you’ll find Superman and Santa and Jesus.

GodCompass

The Lord might be my strength, but this is my knife. There are many like it, but this one is mine…

godknife

Are you a Christian who wants to let everyone know that you haven’t actually read the words of Jesus Christ?

Look no further than this gem of a coffee mug:

TrumpJesusmug

Heaven is a GATED COMMUNITY, LIBTARDS! WOO!

I hope that helps with your Christmas shopping, everyone.

KC: Seriously, f*** this book edition


So Chloe can’t get anyone to cop to writing the falsified report about Kat, so she decides to drop it.

She called in Mattie Cleveland and suggested they just chalk up the crisis, such as it was, to an ill-conceived prank and let it die.

If only there were some omniscient and omnipresent deity who you could telepathically communicate with… then you could solve this problem.

Seriously, I’m beginning to think that God doesn’t exist in this universe.

“Whatever you say, Chloe. I agree we need to get on with what we’re here for. I will say this: Qasim has been particularly solicitous ever since this started getting around.”

“The one who’s been so annoying to Ekaterina?”

“He’s really cleaned up his act. He leaves her alone, and he has been much more helpful to me lately. Qasim has even commiserated with me over this mess.”

“But I didn’t even interview him. What does he know about it?”

She didn’t even interview the guy who was sexually harassing an employee who was the subject of a falsified slanderous report?

What. The. Fuck?

I realize that Chloe’s education was cut short by Jesus destroying the world and human civilization and she’s not Sherlock Holmes, but Jesus, dude… you expect me to believe that she wasn’t even curious about interviewing the guy who was harassing the employee who was the subject of that slanderous report?

And now he’s acting all helpful and innocent and they’re still like, “Seems legit to me!”

Sigh. Evil deserves to win, because good is dumb.

Meanwhile, Abdullah is off to see the local chapter of the Other Light and Kenny and Raymie (god, I hate that name) meet to chat about the important business of the Junior God Squad.

“Just a few items,” Kenny said. “I want to know where things stand with Qasim. I want to know what you think I should do about the persistence of the Jospins. And we need to talk about Ekaterina.”

Raymie says he told Qasim to beat it and Qasim got butthurt. Now Zaki is unhappy, and Jesus Christ, this is high school drama bullshit. Fuck this book.

Kenny smiled. “Kat and I have speculated on what might have become of you two—as a couple, I mean—if you were naturals.”

Raymie shook his head and looked away. “I have wondered the same. As has she. We can talk about it openly because it is so far from the realm of possibility. It’s strange that we admire and respect and truly love each other so deeply, and yet the idea of romance never enters the picture. We’re simply not wired that way anymore. That allows us to spend a lot of time together, really as brother and sister, worshiping, praying, studying, planning. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is.”

“And I can’t tell you how much fun it is to have someone like that in my life,” Kenny said, “plus adding the romance to it.”

“I’m happy for you. I really am.”

Once again, we’re forced to consider the contradictory messages that marriage and romance are both somehow wonderful and sacred and yet also unimportant and a distraction. And we’re forced to do this because the bible says both. And our authors cannot admit that the bible contradicts itself and thus are trying to reconcile how a and not-a can both be true.

Marriage is a wonderful, sacred partnership between two souls and once you’re died and zombified, God fundamentally alters you to make you less human and unable to love another human being in that way.

Sigh…

Kenny tells his uncle that he’s been talking with Kat about his Jr. God Squad stuff and Raymie says, “Gotta be careful. What if it doesn’t work out?”

Then it doesn’t work out. Do you think Kat would suddenly run over to the Other Light assholes and say, “Kenny is a spy!” How petty do you think she is?

Still, this pressure from Ignace and now Lothair to, in essence, put up or shut up weighs too heavily on me not to talk about it to the woman I love. She would be able to tell something was on my mind anyway, and it’s not fair to her to keep it from her.”

“And I gather that you haven’t—kept it from her, I mean.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“And what is she saying?”

“Kat thinks I should pursue it, do it right, and—unlike Qasim—act under the authority of the Force. In other words, make sure everybody knows what I’m doing so they can pray for me, keep track of me, and give advice.”

Again, why? Why does anyone need to be a spy when you already have the information you have.

Why does anyone need to be a spy when Jesus Christ is supposed to be here on Earth and knows everything already anyway and should be able to Charles Xavier you commands about what you should be doing ?

Why are there any fucking questions or confusion about any of this?

Where the hell is Jesus in this Kingdom of Jesus?

What’re you thinking, that you would visit them in France?”

“That or start feeding them bogus information. Just enough to keep them on the string.”

“I don’t know,” Raymie said, sighing. “If our goal is not to win them over, what is it?”

We are more than halfway through this book and you assholes don’t even know what goals your “secret” club should have?

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?

They rose to start heading back to work. Kenny said, “All I know is that if I don’t start playing their game soon, they’re going to know I’m not on their side. Maybe that’s not all bad. I can stick to what I know and what I believe I’m supposed to be doing—reaching the children right here.”

Yeah, that seems important. Also, I love it when a character points out that their entire “plot” is bullshit.

Or maybe you should go to France and open up a new chapter of Jesus’ home for orphans whose parents he murdered and other children.

Sigh…

Abdullah spends two more sections preparing to go see the local chapter of the Other Light.

The priest Yorik shows up and says, “Joshua and Caleb are going to visit the kids tomorrow.”

And Qasim talks to Kenny and says, “No, I am TOTALLY NOT a spy. NOT a spy at all.”

Have I mentioned how much I hate this book?

KC: HR’s Mandatory Sexual Harassment Training Session


Noah has left the building and gone to do… whatever stuff he does… probably drink to deal with his PTSD from watching God murder the entire Earth and leave him on a boat for over a year.

Kenny tried to get them to fashion model arks and line up toy animals,

“No, children, more dead floating babies and crying women clawing at the door to the ark!”

And to think that other heroes of the faith were scheduled! Fortunately, no one knew when.

There is no partiality with God… unless you’re on the VIP list.

Ekaterina was no less wired as they walked home, unabashedly holding hands now, even in front of others.

Her College Group leader will be taking her aside to lecture her about purity and modesty and how she natural desires are sinful and wicked.

Kenny knew the news of their being an item would soon get around.

“Hey, Jerry? What are the kids using these days to say when their sweet on each other? ‘Being an item’? Nailed it!”

We shift over to Abdullah where he realizes that it’s time to seriously seek the Lord. Somehow, despite Jesus being on the Earth in a location where they know He lives, this does not involve calling Jesus up on the phone and saying, “Hey, Lord? Yeah, Abdullah here. You had an assignment for me in Jordan, right? Yeah, that’s me. Anyway, could you maybe just tell me what the assignment is? Oh… wow… okay, you know that makes a lot more sense when you just tell me instead of sending me vague telepathic commands. Ha… yeah, I flew to Europe to try to get answers…”

Meanwhile Kenny gets together with Raymie… (Jesus, what is it with the ‘E’ endings for names?) and says Qasim spilled the beans to Kat about… God, I don’t fucking care… this is like listening to Junior High gossip.

“He told her everything?” Raymie said, clearly piqued.

Kenny nodded solemnly. “I mean, she can be trusted. We’re going together now, and I trust her.”

“Going together? Since when?”

“Last night.”

“You know there are things you won’t be able to tell her, just because Qasim seems to have a big mouth.”

“I will keep all confidences, but of course the day may come when I would want to nominate her for inclusion into the Force.”

“Kenny, please. I’ve got half a mind to disband the whole thing. It’s getting out of control.

Yeah! It’s out of control! We’ve had… meetings! And… more meetings! God… all the meetings. It’s too much, I tells ya! Too much! It has to stop before people find out about the meetings!

“Hold on. I thought you said you and she were going together.”

“Right, well, their date sort of brought things to a head.”

“So last night she was out with him, and since last night she’s going with you.”

“I know how that sounds.”

“Apparently you don’t.

Raymie slut-shames Kat.

How dare a young lady go on dinner dates with more than one fella! It’s unheard of, I tells ya! Next they’ll be wearing pants and demanding the sufferage!

Fuck you, Raymie.

Raymie decides it’s time for him to tell Qasim to get lost though.

“And what if I hear from the Jospins?”

“What if you do?”

“If Qasim can be believed, they think I’m with them and working covertly at COT. Should I try to string them along?”

Raymie shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t like it. How hard would it be for them to learn how tight you are with your parents, who run the place? And what are you going to say if they ask about Qasim?”

Wasn’t the entire point of the Junior God Squad to infiltrate the Satanists and work against them? And now that the Satanists might want to talk to Kenny, Raymie is like, “Oh no, I don’t know… that might mean we have to do something besides meetings and that’s just crazy talk.”

Raymie is literally every Evangelical I’ve ever worked on a committee with.

As far as what you’d say about Qasim… well, if you want to be straightforward and convincing, I’d say, “Fuck that asshole. He tried to steal the girl I love.”

The Ekaterina Kenny walked to work Monday morning was not the same one he walked home at the end of the day. The first was her bubbly, affectionate self who said her parents had noticed their affection for each other and were most excited. The latter Ekaterina was glum.

Ladies, always be smiling. It’s what your man wants. You are not allowed to have normal human emotions.

Kenny asks what’s bothering her.

“Oh, it’s just Qasim. I teased him about missing the biggest day COT ever had, and all he wanted was to keep bugging me about going out with him again.”

Wait, so it’s literally been less than 24 hours and Qasim will not leave you alone and keeps harassing you for dates even though you’ve made your intentions clear?

That’s sexual harassment.

I know Evangelicals don’t believe in sexual harassment, but that is definitely sexual harassment.

“I told him about us, of course. He couldn’t believe that could have happened so fast. He accused you of moving in on him, undercutting him as soon as you heard about our date. I assured him I had been friends with you before him and that we hadn’t even realized how we felt about each other until later.”

“I can’t blame him for being disappointed, Kat. I was too, when I heard you were going out with him.”

“I’ve never even had a boyfriend, and now I’ve got two fighting over me.”

No, you’ve got on boyfriend and one creepy ass dude sexually harassing you. It’s time to call HR.

“Well, when my mother talks to you about the transfer, that might be a good thing to mention. You can’t be trying to work with someone who’s upset with you.”

Sexual harassment, Kenny. It’s sexual harassment. Creating a hostile work environment.

“That’s just it, Kenny. I can’t remember the last time I was out of sorts with a brother in Christ…”

Really? Because I used to go to church all the time and there were people who hated each other’s guts, gossips, backstabbing, and church politics. If you’re all normals and not zombies, seems like churches would be full of arguments. Especially if Jesus is hiding in the Temple and not saying shit.

“You want me to talk to my mother?”

“No! Kenny! How would that look?”

Like a manager who just found out that one of his employees is being sexually harassed and is taking steps to protect her and deal with the situation.

Seriously, do you guys not get sexual harassment?

But now we leave Kat because Kenny gets an email from the Jospins saying “Hi, Hail Satan, send us all your spy info.”

Kenny says, “Give me some time.”

And that’s the end of that, because God forbid anything really happen in this book.

But Kenny gets a phone call from Bahira who says her brother is upset and Kenny has to tell her about how Raymie kicked Qasim out of the Jr. God Squad that he wasn’t really a part of anyway, and now Zaki is pissed off, even though he’s an undead zombie Christian and should be above this shit. So I’m still not getting how all of this works. How is a zombie Christian different from a regular one aside from being asexual and not aging? I wish this fucking book would explain it. I mean, I understand none of this stuff about glorification makes sense if you think about it, but at least try. Try to build some rules. Try to define some attributes.

Sigh… just… TRY, DAMN IT!

Anyway, it’s the next day now and Chloe is going to talk to Kat about her transfer request because now Chloe has gotten a bad report from someone about Kat and Jesus, it’s obviously from Qasim, the guy who has been sexually harassing her, but the book is going to insult our intelligence for the next God only knows how many chapters and try to make this seem like a mystery.

…But I do need to talk with you about a work report on you from your supervisor.”

“Mattie? She sent a report on me? A good one, I hope. We’ve gotten along great.”

“Actually, it’s a troubling one, Ekaterina.”

Duh duh Duuuuuuuuuuuh… Drama! Except not. And I don’t care. Fuck you, book.

KC: “I hate sand…” edition


I FOUND Qasim hilarious,” Ekaterina reported, plopping herself on Kenny’s couch and declining his offer of grapes. “I’m stuffed. He took me to the Valley Bistro, where you had your meeting.”

“Our meeting?”

“Your Millennium Force meeting. Anyway, it was great. Did you just love it? I did. And Qasim was chivalrous, full of stories, talked a mile a minute—in fact, I feel like I’ve just now caught that from him. Have I? Am I just talking incessantly? Stop me if I am. I don’t mean to be. He wants to see me again. I probably will let him, but I didn’t promise.”

Kenny is being out Nice Guy’ed by Qasim. Oh, no! What’s an incel to do?!?

Kenny’s mind was whirling. He liked the quiet and shy Kat better, and he hated that she seemed so intrigued by Qasim. But her knowing about the Millennium Force troubled him most.

Yes, the “nice guy” likes his women quiet and compliant. Not too much of that talking business and getting ideas in your head, woman.

And he’s upset that she knows about his secret club for not doing anything. I bet she’s going to want to join and then what? Guys can’t spit anymore or walk around the locker room naked. She’s gonna make you wear a towel into the sauna! The sauna!

So Kenny tries the “What’s a Millennium Force?”

And Kat’s not having any of it, saying that she thinks it’s exciting that Qasim is infiltrating the Other Light for… reasons… some sort of reasons. Though no one exactly seems to know what the purpose is. You have the manifesto. You could just go to them and talk about it. Could discuss their questions and doubts with them. You could write and publish your own manifesto rebutting their points and distributing it out via official government channels.

Oh, you’re going to do nothing for most of the book instead?

Yeah, I’m sure that’s cool too.

Kenny stays petulant and jealous until finally, this steamy hookup happens:

“I don’t know. Maybe that instead of giving you a brotherly warning about a guy, I was just being jealous.”

“Jealous of what?”

“Your attention.”

That seemed to stop her. She looked genuinely surprised. “Don’t tease me, Kenny.”

“Tease you?”

“You needn’t be jealous of anyone seeming to have my attention. I’ve wanted your attention since the day we met.”

“Seriously? I’ve been afraid to—”

“I just figured you saw me as too young, too new in the faith, a little flaky because it took me so long to become a believer. I don’t know; maybe you thought I was too immature, hadn’t had enough real ministry experience. Or maybe you just didn’t think of me in, you know, those terms. Attention terms.”

I think we just found someone worse than George Lucas at writing romantic chemistry.

Meanwhile, Chloe calls her dad, Rayford who doesn’t know if he can make it.

“I’d sure like to be there, and we both know your mother would. We’re scheduled for Siwa tomorrow, which is more than six hundred miles from you.”

Mostly I’m just including this because Siwa reminds me of Bayek of Siwa and how very much I’d rather be playing Assassin’s creed than reading this drivel.

And back to Kenny and Kat discussing how evilly evil Qasim is with being evil and all.

And back to Rayford where God finally turns the water back on in Egypt. Rayford asks “Why now?”

But God was silent. Rayford knew well that the Creator took His own counsel, had His own schedule and agenda and clock. If it was time, it was time, and no one else had to know or understand.

Yeah, that’s just being a dick. Of course, so is collectively punishing a nation for the sins of two assholes, so at least God is consistent.

Back to Kat and Kenny’s riveting conversation:

Kenny took her elbow as they walked. “I was struck from the first by your obvious passion for the Lord,” he said.

If by “obvious passion for the Lord”, you mean attractive face, boobs, and legs, this is technically true.

“It’s something I have to work on,” he said. “How bad is that? I’m living in the millennial kingdom with Jesus right here on the throne and ever-present, and still I struggle with the flesh.”

Porn, Kat. He’s watching a lot of freaky porn.

“We’re not in heaven yet. The glorified-mind-and-body people seem to have no distractions to their devotion.”

I want the lobotomy now, Lord! Why can’t you turn me into a mindless celibate robot?

“The undecideds trouble me more.”

And yet, nobody seems to think to go to Jesus and say, “Hey, Lord, it really kind of sucks that you’re actively torturing Uncle Bob because he was a Buddhist. Is there some way to knock that shit out?”

“If it’s hard for me to be as devout and consistent as I want to be—with my heritage and my work—I can’t imagine what it’s like for those who stubbornly want to insist on their own way.”

Or maybe they just don’t like the idea of being a brainwashed, sexless Jesus zombie robot.

“They’re easy targets for the Other Light,” she said. “What a name for the resistance, huh? They really worship the Lesser Light. The Way Lesser Light.”

It’s like RAAAAAAIN… on your wedding day! Obvious irony is obvious.

They fell silent as they neared Ekaterina’s home. She reached up and intertwined her fingers with his. 

And now Kenny has to change his underpants when he gets home.

“So is it my turn?” she whispered at last.

“Your turn?”

“To tell you my first impression of you.”

“That’s your call.”

“I found you courtly.”

“I told you wearing a full plate mail suit of armor would pay off one day, Mom!”

Kat decides she doesn’t want to work with Qasim anymore and wants to transfer departments.

“It’s unlikely my parents would put you in my area. My mother was on to us from the first day.”

“Oh, how embarrassing! It showed?”

Inappropriate erections are always noticeable.

“Well,” Kenny said, “if our relationship is going to be educational, we ought to start on the way to work tomorrow, wouldn’t you say?”

“Just tell me when to be ready, Professor Williams.”

I don’t mean to beat on the George Lucas comparison, but we’ve just found more nauseating flirtation dialog than, “I hate sand.”

 

 

KC: Helpmeets, Racists, and Committees, Oh My!


Rayford, Bruce, Tsion, Chaim Rosenzweig, Irene, and Bruce’s wife (who does not get a name) are all headed to Egypt to put right what the Lord has destroyed. The men folk, of course, will be leading and preaching and doing the work, while the women folk…

Bruce’s wife, who had been raptured, had a gift for organization like Irene’s. They would be of tremendous help to Mac, who would be in charge of technology, transportation, and logistics.

Are the helpmeets. The support staff.

Yep. Once again, ladies, the Evangelical utopia is that you’re perpetually consigned to second class citizenship. You are always going to be the subordinate. The helper. Never the leader. Never equals. Because you were born without a penis, your future is to faithfully serve God by serving your husband. Even after death.

Irene isn’t exactly thrilled about going, but she knows her place in the social hierarchy and accepts it.

Meanwhile, Rayford talks over Abdullah’s assignment with him. His wife, a zombie, talks it over with God and decides to go with him. And they end on this ‘joke’.

“Dangerous, eh?” Rayford said. “Surely the Lord doesn’t expect a man your age to pose as a member of TOL.”

“Captain Steele,” Abdullah said solemnly, laughter dancing in his eyes, “I recall the days when a comment like that to a person of ethnicity was punishable as a hate crime.”

Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins did not understand what a hate crime was.

It’s not calling someone old.

It’s walking into a synagogue and murdering 11 people because you think Jews are trying to replace you. It’s walking into a grocery store and murdering two people because you think blacks are trying to replace you.

But White Evangelicalism has never really understood why vulnerable minorities would want legal protections from the white majority in America.

We skip ahead to Rayford and company building their new house in Egypt while the Egyptian peasants are being punished by God for their leadership’s actions.

As soon as they had landed in Al Jizah, it became clear the area was wounded. Since the Feast of Tabernacles in Israel several days before, no rain had fallen in the entire nation of Egypt. Worse, it was obvious that God had shut off even the underground springs—deadly to a desert climate. Rivers had stopped flowing, and rapidly evaporating water lay stagnant everywhere. Citizens filled containers as fast as they could, trying to collect the last of the good water.

Ah, yes. Collective punishment. There’s that just and merciful and loving God.

We jump back to Kenny and Kat because this book hates me. Kat is sharing with her leadership book about how she read the story of Jonah to a little girl who decided to become a Christian.

“It was the sweetest thing. When she prayed, she told Jesus that, like Jonah, she had been running from Him. She said, ‘I kept trying to give myself to You, but I would borrow myself back. Now I want to be Yours for good.’ ”

Yeah, that’s not exactly what the book of Jonah is about.

Jonah hated the Assyrians. He was a racist. He thought they deserved fire and brimstone and utter destruction from the Lord, so when the Lord told him to go and tell the Assyrians to stop being assholes or else, Jonah told God to go pound sand because Jonah hated the Assyrians, Jonah was a racist.

And, in the story, God tries to teach Jonah to love people of other races. To love his enemies. God tries to teach Jonah empathy.

10 But the Lord said, “You have had pity on the plant for which you have not labored, nor made it grow, which came up in a night and perished in a night. 11 And should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot discern between their right hand and their left—and much livestock?”

God comes to Jonah at the end and says, “Dude… you loved a plant and were angry when it died. Can’t you see that these people are more important to me than a plant? Or, if you can’t go that far yet, can’t you at least admit that it would be shame to incinerate all of the animals?”

Jonah ran from God because he didn’t want God to love and be merciful to people he didn’t think deserved it.

I wonder what lessons Evangelicals can draw from that text today?

Hmm…

Someday I need to take this COT idea back home.”

“I think it would work anywhere,” Kenny said. “I’m surprised there aren’t more ministries like it around the world.”

Yeah, Kenny, you’ve been living in Israel working there for about a hundred years and haven’t given a single thought to leaving and sharing that with the rest of the world.

I do wonder why there aren’t more ministries like it around the world.

Idiot.

Meanwhile, back with Rayford, one of the Egyptians asks him a good question:

“Can you do anything about getting Him to turn the water back on?”

“That’s why we’re here, but as you can imagine, the leadership of this nation is going to have to get in line.”

“I hope you’re not expecting a warm welcome in Cairo. Those young men who talked the other leaders out of going to the feast are dead, slain by lightning in the very presence of their colleagues.”

Rayford stretched. “The Lord’s justice is swift, friend. He clearly made an example of those two, as His Word warned. When their ends came, there could have been no question why. And I believe we’ll be seen as the messengers we are. We’re praying the whole ordeal will give us a hearing among the young people here, show them there’s no trifling with God.”

“Well, know that every other believer is praying the same thing. Why must we suffer for the actions of a few?”

Yeah… collective punishment. Not just of unbelievers, but of the people who have converted and are faithful to him. This is the God they believe in. Their God punishes the innocent along with the guilty… you know, unless it involves the rapture and then they think God spares the innocent. But any other time, God will just punish everyone.

This is why they don’t blink at passages were God kills tens of thousands of Jews for the actions of one.

They have somehow rationalized that as being just and righteous and fair.

Back at the Jr. God Squad, Raymie and Zaki (they sound like two members of the worst Christian boy band) argue about Qasim some more. Qasim has gone and hung out with The Other Light people while the Jr. God Squad has been having committee meetings. And Zaki wants him to come in and tell them what he’s found. Raymie is surprised that Zaki has betrayed the location of their secret He-man Woman Hater’s Clubhouse.

“Zaki, if we’re going to do this, be this force, we don’t want a lot of people knowing about it. I’m not afraid of the young people of the Other Light, because they can’t hurt us. But they can sure hurt a lot of other people, so we have to stay under the radar.”

Again… WHERE IS JESUS? JESUS IS ON YOUR SIDE, SO WHY WOULD HE LET TOL HURT OTHER INNOCENT PEOPLE IN HIS UTOPIAN KINGDOM?

This is stupid.

“Before you start,” Raymie said, “I need to be clear. You realize you’re not part of this group and you don’t work under our auspices.”

One of the powers of Raymie’s zombie body is to be a dick.

“Granted. But it’s in your best interest to know what the competition is up to, wouldn’t you say? And they’re up to a lot. Those so-called nightclubs of theirs, at least the one in Paris, are so underground hardly anybody even knows about them.”

“Well, that makes sense,” Kenny said. “No matter what they’re doing in there, they’re breaking every law on the books, and if they flaunted it, they’d be in deep trouble.”

How the fuck does that make sense, Kenny? Your government is being run by an omniscient and omnipotent Jesus Christ. What the fuck does it matter if you sin in secret or openly? Jesus should know what is going on regardless and should be able to punish them or send a psychic email to the local constables to go round up the rebels for reeducation.

Anyway, Qasim has gotten a hold of their official Evil Manifesto and the Jr. God Squad continues to be dicks to him.

“You see why we needed another guy?” Zaki said. “I told you Qasim could pull this off.”

Bahira scowled. “Don’t be so sure. For one thing, he’s not working for us. And for all we know, all he’s done is expose us.”

“Well, you’re wrong,” Qasim said. “But thanks for the gratitude. Now, you want to see this manifesto or not?”

Well, maybe, but first we’ll have to schedule a committee vote to debate the resolution. What do you guys think? Maybe in six months?