Category Archives: Humor

The Great Cosmic Prank


So, okay, there’s this God. There’s this God and he’s sitting in a great void, so he says, “Let there be light.” Big bang happens. Particles and shit go everywhere. So this God, right? Still alone in a big pile of particle shit. But he’s literally got all eternity to wait and work, so eventually all of those particles come together to form the first stars, then planets. So He’s sitting in a nearly infinite universe He’s just created with billions and billions of galaxies each full of billions and billions of stars and planets. Like almost infinite diversity in the universe already.

So this God whether by design or through the natural course of the events He set in motion picks a planet or maybe more, who knows, right? And says, “Let there be life.” A few little proteins coalesce and form a few rudimentary living things. Microscopic life. And they multiply and they mutate and soon… well, soon, on a galactic scale, there’s trillions of the little things floating around, but they don’t look like the first living things anymore. All of that reproduction and mutation has caused significant little changes here and there. Some were good, some were bad. But now we have a lot of microscopic bio-diversity.

And soon (again, cosmically speaking) we’ve got some of these microscopic cells that sort of develop into more complex critters and then more branch out and develop into more complex creatures and soon we have an ocean full of life and millions of distinct animals. Some of which start to crawl or flop about on land, and boom… land animals.

Amphibians, lizards, insects, dinosaurs, meteors, mammals, monkeys, primates, and then some primates give birth to a baby primate that has something… that spark of self-awareness and intelligence that sets him or her above their ancestors. Human beings develop and spread. It’s a rough go at first, but soon there are millions of us wandering about the Earth building civilizations, asking questions, each one of us unique and individual. Millions becomes hundreds of millions.

So then God, right? Remember him? God sitting in an infinite universe of infinite stars and near infinite planets looks down at one world where there is uncountable diversity of life and hundreds of millions of homo sapiens each unique and individual and then God looks down and shouts at the hundreds of millions of homo sapiens on one tiny rock orbiting one star in this infinite universe and this God shouts,  “HEY! You guys have to all fit into exactly two categories and it depends on your dangly bits or lack thereof.”

Best fucking joke in the universe, right?

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The TL:DR Bible: John 6-7


Chapter 6:

Jesus goes out to the countryside and a crowd follows him.

“Hey, Philip? Where can we buy bread for the crowd so we can feed them?”

“Yeah, Jesus, that’s a bit out of our price range.”

“Hey, there’s a kid here with five loaves and two fish, but that’s not going to do much good.”

So Jesus has everyone sit down and He blesses the food and feeds everyone with a lot of leftovers to spare.  And everyone’s like, “Yea! Jesus just solved world hunger! He’s got to be the prophet Moses promised!”

And Jesus is like, “Aw, crap, these people are going to make me their king now.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“No, no, there’s this whole… thing… anyway, let’s go.”

The disciples head over in a boat, but Jesus decides to take a walk on the lake. They freak out when they see him, he tells them to knock that shit off, gets into the boat and they land on the other side. This time, Peter stays in the boat, I guess.

Then the crowd gets up, notices Jesus is missing and goes out to find him. When they do, they ask him when he got there.

Jesus says, “You guys only want me around because of the free food. Stop being concerned about the food for the body, and look for the food for the soul.”

“That’s easy to say when you can just make food. We live in the Iron Age with poor sanitation and no refrigeration. Anyway, what do you want us to do?”

“Believe in me whom God has sent!”

“Why should we believe in you?”

“I just fed all of you with five loaves of bread and two fish? Hello?”

“Yeah, but Moses gave our ancestors bread too.”

“No, God gave them the bread. God is giving to you bread which will give life to the world.”

“Okay, let’s have some of this bread.”

“I am the bread of live. Come to me and you will not hunger or thirst again… spiritually… totally spiritually because a lot of you are going to die of starvation and dehydration over the course of the next two thousand years… but I’ve come from heaven to do the will of God. Everyone who believes in me will be raised up to eternal life in the last day.”

The Jews are like, “No, you didn’t come from heaven. You’re the son of Joseph and Mary.”

“Only the ones my Dad brings can come to me and I will raise them up at the last day. I’ve seen the face of God because I came forth from God, if you believe in me, you will have eternal life. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but I am living bread. Eat of my body and you will live forever.”

“Dude, we’re not cannibals.”

“If you don’t eat my body and drink my blood, you cannot have life within you.”

“Jesus, dude, this is pretty weird,” said the disciples.

“This freaks you guys out? How about when I go back to heaven? But I know at least one of you doesn’t believe in me… Judas…. Lookin’ at you, dude. So are you guys going to bail too?”

“You’re the Messiah who has the words of eternal life,” Peter said. “Where else could we go?”

 

Chapter 7:

There’s another feast and Jesus’ brothers say, “Let’s go to Jerusalem and you can show off your miracles there.”

Jesus says, “It’s not time yet and a lot of other mystic words about why everyone hates me.”

But after they leave, Jesus goes off in secret. And the crowds were looking for him in Jerusalem and everyone had a different idea about him, except the priests who didn’t like Jesus very much. But Jesus shows up and starts teaching and everyone wonders how he became so wise when he is barely literate and didn’t go to Bible College.

Jesus says, “Hey, I’m just speaking for God, so you know you can totally trust me that I’m not speaking for my own gain. Also, you’re all hypocrites and sinners and you’re trying to kill me.”

“Uh… we’re not trying to kill you. You might be a bit touched in the head, Jesus.”

“Look, I did one healing on the Sabbath (it was more than one) and you all freak, but you people circumcise babies on Saturday and it’s not a big deal.”

“Is this the guy the priests want to kill? Why aren’t they stopping him? Do they know He’s the Messiah? But that doesn’t make sense. No one knows where the Messiah comes from, but this guy is from Nazareth.”

“You know me, but I come from God. You don’t know God, I do. He has sent me.”

They try to arrest Jesus and fail. Jesus says, “I’m only going to be here for a bit longer. You won’t find me again.”

They try to arrest him again and everyone assumes he’s leaving Judea to go teach the Jewish communities in foreign countries.

“If anyone is thirsty come to me and I will give you living water.”

No one has any idea who Jesus is. The police don’t arrest him though and get chewed out by the priests and Pharisees when they say Jesus speaks so differently than they do. Nicodemus tries to stick up for Jesus, but is also rebuked.

The TL:DR Bible: Luke 21-22


Chapter 21:

Here’s the story of the poor widow giving every cent she had to the Temple. Jesus says she has given more than everyone else. Do we really want to be encouraging poor widows to send their Social Security checks to churches?

The disciples comment on how awesome the Temple looks, Jesus says it’s going to be destroyed. Then goes on to list a bunch of things related to the Temple’s destruction like:

  • Don’t trust other guys who claim to be the Messiah.
  • Wars will happen.
  • Earthquakes
  • Diseases and famine.

The Jews are going to persecute the church. The disciples will have a chance to share their faith in front of various Roman officials. And everyone’s going to hate them because Jesus. Which may have applied in 1st century Rome, but now most folks hate them because of their political involvement and hypocrisy.

When you see the Romans surrounding Jerusalem, then you guys will know that it’s end is near… well… yeah… kinda obvious at that point.

Everything will be miserable for the people trapped in Jerusalem, which… it was. And then all sorts of supernatural signs will happen and Jesus will show up to wrap everything up.

This generation will not pass away until all these things are fulfilled. So, if Jesus was right, somewhere out there is a 2,100 year old immortal Jew who was one of his disciples.

Then they leave Jerusalem and Jesus sleeps on the Mount of Olives.

 

Chapter 22:

Judas gets possessed by the devil in his version of the story and sells out Jesus… which… brings up all sorts of theological issues about Judas’ guilt in Jesus’ betrayal. If the literal devil crawls into your skin and makes you do something, how can you be responsible for doing that?

Jesus arranges to crash at someone’s home to eat the Passover meal.

Jesus eats the meal with his disciples and has the First Communion.

The disciples start wondering what the pecking order is among them and Jesus says, “People in the world lord their power over others, but it is not this way with you.”

Clearly Jesus hasn’t been to a church council meeting lately.

“The leader among you must serve the rest, as I have served you. You have stuck with me for all these years, and you will sit with me in Dad’s kingdom judging the tribes of Israel.”

“Also, Peter, you’re going to deny me three times.”

“Did you ever lack when I sent you out with no money?”

“No, Lord.”

“Now everyone take money with them on their journey. And if you don’t have a sword tonight, buy a sword, so the prophesy can be fulfilled that I was numbered with the transgressors.”

“We’ve got two swords!”

“Enough,” Jesus said.

“Should we get some AR-15’s a bazooka too?”

“Sigh…. #missingthepoint,” Jesus said.

So they go out to the Garden of Gethsemane and Jesus prays again asking God not to kill him but to find another way because He’s God and He can do anything… but He won’t do that. Yes, I will work a Meatloaf reference into the Passion narrative.

Judas betrays Jesus. Peter hacks off the ear of the high priest’s slave and Jesus rebukes him and heals the slave’s ear. Jesus is arrested again. Everyone flees again. Somehow we still get a narrative even though no one was there… again.

Peter denies Jesus again.

Jesus gets beaten again.

Everyone says, “Are you the Messiah?” to Jesus again. Jesus answers, “Yep and I will come in glory with the power of God.”

And then they say, “Well, that’s enough for us. Let’s kill the dude.”

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 14-15


Chapter 14:

John the Baptist: It’s not cool for you to marry your sister-in-law unless your brother is actually dead, you know.

Herod: Yeah, yeah, I get it… hey, why don’t enjoy some time off in a nice cell.

Herod throws a party and his niece does a striptease that gets the drunk old pervert horny…

Herod: Hey, Baby, you’re so hot. You’re so hot I’ll give you anything you want, up to half my kingdom.

Salome: Give me John’s head on a silver platter.

Herod: That’s a weird tip, and I don’t think it’ll fit down your G-string, but okay.

John: This job sucks.

Jesus goes away for a while after hearing of John’s death, but everyone follows him anyway. And he feels compassion for them, so he sits down and starts teaching them.

Jesus: We should probably feed them.

Disciples: We’ve only got five pita breads and two fish.

Jesus: Well, let’s get started.

They pass out the food and it keeps multiplying until everyone’s fed and they have 12 baskets of leftovers.

Jesus: You guys go on. I’m going to send the crowds home.

The disciples get into a boat and immediately get into a storm. Jesus walks on by.

Jesus: Hey, guys!

Peter: AHHHHHHH!

Jesus: It’s me. Relax.

Peter: If it’s you, then I want to walk on water too.

Jesus: Come on out.

So Peter does, but then he gets freaked out and sinks, so Jesus pulls him up and puts him back in the boat.

Peter: You are the son of God.

And they land and everyone wants more free health care like the mooching moochers they are, so Jesus gives it to them. Freakin’ liberal Jesus. Doesn’t he understand how the markets work?

 

Chapter 15:

Pharisees: Hey, your disciples aren’t washing their hands before they eat. That’s kind of gross.

Jesus: Yeah, well, you guys break the commandments of God by not helping out your mom and dad because you claim your wealth is dedicated to God. Besides, it’s not what you eat that defiles you, but what comes out of your mouth.

Louis Pasteur: Uh…

Disciples: Hey, the Pharisees didn’t like that last part either.

Jesus: Yeah, well, they suck.

Peter: Well, could you explain it to us?

Jesus: What? Are you guys stupid too? What you eat goes into your belly and gets broken down. What you say reveals your corrupted heart and that’s what defiles you.

So they leave and go to a Gentile town, and a Canaanite woman comes to him.

Woman: Please help! My daughter is severely demon possessed!

Jesus: Jews only, lady. The doctor only sees Jews only, not Gentile dogs.

Woman: Even the dogs get to eat table scraps, Lord.

Jesus: Okay, you’ve won me over. Go. Your daughter is healed.

Jesus hands out more free healthcare to the Jews and feeds four thousand people before getting into  a boat and leaving.

A modest healthcare proposal…


Someone has leaked some of the negotiations between Congress and the White House on reforming healthcare:

“Okay, let’s start this meeting. We need a strategy on reforming health care. Bitch?”

“It’s Mitch, Mr. President.”

“Not from where I’m sitting. Bitch? What’s the strategy for getting this through the Senate.”

“Well, many of our colleagues our convinced that forcing 22 million people off of health insurance would be bad for their electoral chances, but several of them are convinced that we’re not forcing enough people off of health care. Right now we’re trying to figure out how to be more cruel… but in a nice way. Senator Cruz suggested a compromise where some poor people can have health insurance, but only if they eat a live puppy.”

“Puppies are good. People love puppies. I like it. We’ll get good ratings. I, of course, prefer pussy. But I get it. Paula?”

“Paul, Mr. President.”

“Are you into this whole puppy eating thing?”

“The House Freedom caucus objects to the government giving free food to anyone, even if it is a rather cute puppy that they must horribly butcher and eat raw. They suggest that people have to go and buy a puppy on their own to eat.”

“But what if they can’t afford their own puppy?”

“The Freedom caucus suggested as an alternative that they could eat one of their children. That’ll not only feed them, but also free up some of their income so they can pay higher insurance premiums.”

“I like it. Always a parent’s prerogative to eat the weaker of their spawn. Tried to do that with Tiffany, but she was just so fast and nimble. Could never get the drop on her. Just like her old man. Let’s go with that then.”

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 4-5


Chapter 4:

Holy Spirit: Let’s go into the desert. Let’s go into the desert. Let’s go into the desert…

Jesus: And get ourselves a treat?

Holy Spirit: And fast for forty days.

Jesus: Uh… yea?

Satan: Hey, you look hungry. Why don’t you just turn some rocks into bread, since you’re the Son of God?

Jesus: Is this a temptation? How is this a temptation?

Satan: Come on, I’m doing my best… I haven’t done any actual tempting since I got some woman and her clueless husband to eat an apple.

Jesus: It shows. Anyway, the bible says, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word from God.’”

Satan: Okay, well… what if you jump from the top of the Temple. Angels will totally catch you, everyone will see that you’re the Son of God, and start worshipping you.

Jesus: I mean… that’s better, but still, you don’t test God by jumping off of buildings.

Satan: Okay… how about I make all of the world’s leaders follow you and bow to you and all you have to do is bow to me?

Jesus: Seriously?

Satan: A little bow? A teensy-weensy bow? Just nod your head? No?

Jesus: You’re making this awkward. You should go.

Angel: Hey, boss, here’s some bread from heaven.

Jesus goes back to Galilee and settles in Capernaum. Matthew pulls a few more verses out of context.

Jesus: Everyone stop being dicks to each other. The Kingdom of Heaven is coming!

Later, he’s walking along the shore and sees Peter and Andrew.

Jesus: Follow me, guys.

Peter: Sounds good.

He sees James and John working with their dad in their boat.

Jesus: Follow Me.

James and John: Okay.

Zebedee: Hey! What about the nets? Stupid kids…

So Jesus goes around the area giving sermons and healing people and he gets really famous.

 

Chapter 5:

Jesus goes up on a hill and teaches the people:

  • Blessed are the poor in spirit, they will inherit the Kingdom of God.
  • Blessed are the afflicted. They will be comforted.
  • Blessed are the gentle. They will inherit the Earth.
  • Blessed are the hungry and thirsty for justice, they will see justice.
  • Blessed are the merciful, they will see God.
  • Blessed are the peacemakers, they will be called sons of God.
  • Blessed are the persecuted for doing what is right, they will inherit the kingdom of God.

Do what is right, good, pure, merciful, and just and be an example to others, so they can glorify God.

I have not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it. Not one letter of the Law will pass away until all is accomplished. So if you teach anyone to disobey a commandment, you will be cursed. But if you teach them to obey the commandments, you will be blessed.

Unless you’re more righteous than a scribe or a Pharisee, you will not see the kingdom of God.

It was said, ‘Do not commit murder’, but I say take the principle even farther and don’t even hate or insult your fellow man.

It was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’, but I say take the principle even farther and don’t have lustful thoughts about a woman who isn’t your wife.

Moses said you could divorce your wife, but I say that unless she is guilty of adultery, if you divorce her, you make her an adulteress, and whoever married a divorced woman commits adultery.

Do not make oaths. Say what you mean and do what you say.

It was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth’, but I say, do not return evil for evil. Do not be violent. Do not resist an evil man. If someone strikes you, offer him another free shot. If someone tries to take your coat, offer him your shirt too. If a Roman tries to make you carry his gear for a mile, go two miles.

Give to those who ask of you and do not turn away from the one in need.

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate and persecute you. God is good even to those that hate him or don’t know He exists. So you do the same. There is no reward in doing good to those who do good to you. Everyone does that, but you be good towards everyone.

I end with an observation made by Kurt Vonnegut:

“For some reason, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes (Matthew 5). But, often with tears in their eyes, the demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course, that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere.
“Blessed are the merciful” in a courtroom? “Blessed are the peacemakers” in the Pentagon? Give me a break!”

The TL:DR Bible: Malachi


Chapter 1:

“I love you guys,” said the Lord.

“Uh… we’re not seeing that down here,” said the Jews.

“I have loved you. I hate your brother Esau. I’m totally screwing over his kids, but you guys are back in your own land. So get to the magnifying Me part.”

“Okay,” God said, “I do have a few things to talk about. First, stop offering me flawed animals. Only Grade-A or above beef and lamb, please. You guys keep bringing me lame, flawed, or stolen critters to kill before Me, and I don’t like it. Only bring the best to Me. I am your priests-, I mean… you great King.”

 

Chapter 2:

“Speaking of priests, you guys better shape up and honor Me too or I’m going to curse you and smear shit on your faces. You guys are showing favor to the wealthy.”

“We all have one father and God has created us all. But seriously, don’t marry foreign women. That makes God mad. Although God says He hates divorce, so maybe don’t kick your wives and children out into the streets because Ezra says so.”

“Also, God’s getting really tired of you guys saying that evil people prosper and wondering where the justice in the world is. Yes, evil people prosper and there seems to be no justice in the world, but God’s getting tired of you complaining about it.”

 

Chapter 3:

So God said, “I’m going to send a messenger. A Purifier who will purify the priests, so they can present pleasing offerings to the Lord again. And I will come and judge the sorcerers, even Gandalf, Harry Potter, and Merlin! And I’ll judge the adulterers, the liars, the oppressors, and the racist xenophobes.”

“I don’t change, so I haven’t destroyed you. But come back to me.”

“We’re right here,” said the Jews.

“You’re not giving me all of the stuff I told you to give to me! If you just give me your stuff, I’ll give you more. But seriously, guys, stop talking shit about Me.”

“We’re not,” said the Jews.

“Really? I hear a lot of whining about how evil people prosper, while you suffer for being good.”

“Yeah, it’s not just us. There’s a lot of that in the New Testament too…”

Then the pious got together and spoke well of the Lord and the Lord noticed and had a book written with all of their names and the nice things they said about Him, so He would spare them in the day of wrath and not kill them horrible the way He planned to kill everyone else.

 

Chapter 4:

“The day is coming when I’m going to burn the wicked, but you guys will go forth leaping with joy and happiness as you crush the wicked too.”

“Don’t forget the Law of Moses. Seriously, girls on their period are way unclean, bros…”

“And I’m going to send Elijah back to you guys before the final judgment happens. He’ll make sure you guys are ready, so I don’t curse you too.”

And that’s it. The last of the prophets.

In the time following this, the Judean monarchy would not be restored. The Greeks would come and introduce Hellenistic ideas and philosophies. There would be a period of strife between the Seleucids and the Judeans known as the Maccabean revolt that would restore the cult of Yahweh. And then the Romans would come and conquer Judea. Eventually, the Romans would support the appointment of an Edomite king known as Herod to govern the region, and there would be a period of apocalyptic fervor with many men coming forward claiming to be a Messiah there to reestablish the Jewish kingdom and monarchy under Yahweh.

And then the stories of the New Testament begin…