Category Archives: Humor

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 8


Chapter 8:

Just a reminder… this is the bible, folks.

Woman: I wish you were my brother, who nursed at my mother’s breasts, so I could kiss you in public and lead you into my mom’s house and let you drink from the juice of my pomegranates and you could finger me.

Wow… Calling Dr. Freud. Dr. Sigmund Freud, please report to room 103. It is an emergency.

Man: Don’t wake up my lover. She’s had a long night.

Chorus: Who is this woman walking with her lover?

Man: I awakened you beneath the apple tree.

This is a metaphor again, right?

Man: Your mom was in labor with you and gave birth to you there.

Seriously, Dr. Freud. This couple has some serious issues.

Man: My love for you is so strong, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Woman’s brothers: We have a little sister. It’s up to us to control her sexuality. If she’s a good girl and listens to us, we’ll honor her, otherwise we’ll lock her in a dungeon for being a slut.

Woman: I was a good girl. Attended all the purity balls. Wore the purity ring. How do you know? Because I have a LOT of freaky issues about sex. Seriously… A LOT. Have you read the last seven chapters? It would make Larry Flynt say that I should probably get some help.

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 5-7


Chapter 5:

Man: I’m come into my garden, my sister wife.

Well, those roses were pretty hot.

Man: I’ve eaten my honeycomb and drunk my wine with milk.

Sol knows a few things about keeping his partners happy. It’s oral.

Woman: I was sleeping, but Sol woke me up for a booty call. Seriously, Sol, I’m naked and in bed and you want me to get up and let you in?

Woman: My beloved put his hand by the hole in the door.

Is that a metaphor? I think it might be a metaphor.

Woman: And my bowels were moved for him.

I wasn’t expecting things to get German freaky, but tell us more.

Woman: I got up to get the door, but Sol was gone. So I went out to find him and the cops punched me and stole my hat. So chorus girls, if you hear about Sol, tell him I’m totally DTF now.

Chorus: What’s so special about this guy? Other than that he’s the king, fabulously wealthy, and knows his way around the clitoris? You know, other than those things?

Woman: He’s super-hot and he’s packing a cedar of Lebanon, if you get my drift.

 

Chapter 6:

Chorus: Where did your lover go?

Woman: Down. Again.

Men: You’re hot. Like your hair is a flock of goats hot and seriously, I’m totally happy that I’ve found a woman in the Bronze Age with all of her teeth. Seriously, Baby, those thousand other women mean nothing to me. You’re the one… at least until I find another 13 or 14 year-old virgin that looks pretty hot.

I’m not sure who’s speaking, but it looks like someone goes down to the orchard of nut trees, so maybe it’s a mutual dining experience.

And then the girl goes home.

 

Chapter 7:

Man: You have nice feet.

Because we haven’t quite hit every fetish yet.

Man: Your boobs are like two baby deer.

And there’s the Bambi fetish again.

Woman: I’m yours and you are mine.

Man: Let’s go have another sex trip and try everything everywhere at every time of day.

Woman: I’ve been reading on the Internet, so I’ve learned a few new things we can practice in addition to the usual incest, deer, feet, bowel fetishes we’ve already covered.

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 4


Pillow talk ensues…

Chapter 4:

Man: God, girl, you are so hot. Your eyes are like doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats. You’ve got all your teeth. Your lips are red. Your temples are like… pomegranates… uh… your neck is like a tower of a castle…built out of rocks… where they hang a thousand shields. Your boobs are like baby deer…I am totally going to play with them.

So… feeling hot yet, ladies?

Man: You’re just so hot, girl… I want you to come with me… from Lebanon… up the summit of Amana… from the dens of lions…

He’s talking about fucking, right? I think he’s talking about fucking…

Man: You make my heart beat faster, my sister…

Eww… Solomon into some freaky stuff, man….

Man: Sex with you is better than drinking. Your lips drip honey and milk…

That’s not honey…

Man: And you smell like Lebanon.

Hot? Sweaty? Like a desert? Hummus? Falalfel?

Man: My sister bride is like my personal garden where I can go in and enjoy her fruits.

Solomon was definitely a cunning linguist.

Man: I totally want to smell your genitals and go down on you.

And I’m guessing he wants you to call him your brother while he’s doing it.

 

 

 

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 1-3


Oh, yeah… bible porn.. bow chicka bow wow…

 

Chapter 1:

Woman: I want be making out with him. He smells hot. Let’s run to your bedroom now.

Chorus: Hey, good for you, Honey, getting a little something something.

Woman: I’m a poor girl from a poor family, don’t look down on me for that. My brothers forced me to work the fields to keep me from boning dudes.

Man: You’re so hot. You’re hotter than Pharaoh’s horses, Baby.

Me: Wow… pickup lines have changed a lot in 3,000 years.

Chorus: We’ll make you some jewelry…

Woman: My nard gave forth its fragrance.

Me: Good night, everybody!

Woman: My lover smells amazing as he lies on top of me.

Man: You’re so f***ing hot. Your eyes are amazing.

Woman: You’re amazingly hot too and the sex is bloody awesome.

 

Chapter 2:

Woman: I’m like a rose in the desert.

Man: You’re like a lily among the weeds compared to all the other thousand women in my life, Baby.

Woman: Wait… what other thousand women?

Woman: My love is hung like an apple tree. I sat with him and tasted his fruit. Let’s spend forever here just screwing like bunnies because I really, really want you. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me… and by embraces me, I mean, the man knows his way around the female genitalia.

Me: Probably had a lot of practice with the thousand other wives.

Woman: My lover is coming. He peaks through my window. He calls to me. “Come with me,” he says. “I’m horny.” Okay, he said it more poetically than that, but that’s the gist of it.

My lover grazes among the lilies.

Translation: Solomon liked to go down on the girl. Baptist Jesus is not going to be happy about that.

Baptist Jesus: I’m not. There’s only one acceptable way to have sex: missionary position only for procreation purposes and you have to feel really, really guilty about it afterwards.

 

Chapter 3:

Woman: I woke up in my bed, but my lover was gone. I searched the house for him, but couldn’t find him, so I went outside and looked for him in the neighborhood. I asked a cop if he had seen my lover. He hadn’t. But I found him not far away. I embraced him and held him and would not let go until we returned to my mother’s house, to the bedroom where my mother and father… conceived me…

Me: Okay, girl’s a bit freaky.

Woman: Solomon showed up for the wedding with an entourage and a lot of pomp and circumstances.

Me: Given how many weddings he’s had before, dude could probably plan out a good wedding in his sleep.

The TL:DR Bible: Ecclesiastes 7-12


Chapter 7:

  • A good reputation is better than good medicine.
  • Your death day is better than your birthday.
  • It’s better to wallow in darkness and sadness because you’re going to die.
  • The wise man is miserable while the fool distracts himself with pleasure.
  • It is better to be wise than a fool.
  • Be happy in your prosperity, but remember in the time of affliction that God is responsible for both.
  • And you’re going to die and be forgotten and have no knowledge of what comes after you.

I’ve lived a long time. I’ve seen the good man die young and the rat bastard live a long life. So don’t be overly good, alright? You’re going to ruin your life with rules and regulations and just be a tight ass. And don’t be overly evil. It will probably catch up to you and also ruin your life. Try to live your life so you’re on the passing side of the curve.

Nobody’s perfect. And don’t let everyone’s words affect you. Your slave might curse you, but you’ve cursed other people. Also, watch out for whores.

 

Chapter 8:

Smart people obey the king unquestioningly. Obey. Me.

Look, even though it looks like evil people live long and prosperous lives, I’m sure it’s better to fear God and live a righteous life because those wicked people will get their comeuppance any day now. Yep… any day now… still waiting, Lord… still waiting… it’s not going to happen, is it? Sigh…

Yeah, good men are killed by evil men. Evil men are killed by good men. It’s all pretty pointless.

Eat well, drink heavily, be happy, and distract yourself from your impending death.

No matter how much we try to figure things out, we’re not going to figure everything out.

 

Chapter 9:

We’re pawns in a cosmic game. Not knowing what will come to us on any given day.

One fate awaits everyone. This is an evil that one fate awaits us all. It’s better to be alive, I guess, because there’s still hope, but if you die, that’s it. You don’t know anything. You’re dead and forgotten.

So go eat, drink, and try to be happy. God is cool with that. Wear nice clothes, practice good hygiene and love women, because your days are few and numbered.

Whatever you do, do it wholeheartedly, because death.

Wisdom is better than foolishness, but no one listens to or remembers the wisdom of the poor man.

Wisdom is better than an army, but one fuck up fucks everything up good.

 

Chapter 10:

Idiots fuck things up, but people love stupidity and honor it… and make it president… Oh, God… we really did it, didn’t we?

Karma might be a bitch.

Wisdom might be better than stupidity.

 

Chapter 11:

  • Throw your bread on the water and you’ll find it again after a few days… but then it will be gross and soggy and probably half-eaten by ducks. But you’ll have that soggy duck bread, by God.
  • Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
  • Rain clouds rain.
  • Where ever a tree falls, there it is. (You think Solomon is high or just fucking with us at this point?)
  • You don’t know shit… so get out there and work…
  • If you live a long life, remember the bad times… there will be a lot of them… you’re gonna die…
  • Hey, young people, go out and have fun and enjoy being young, but God’s totally going to beat the hell out of you for it. But be happy anyway. You’re only young once.

 

Chapter 12:

But try to remember God when you’re young… before you die… and decay… and return to dust… it’s all pointless.

I guess you should try to be religious in case God is going to judge us all… whatever.

The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 29-31


Chapter 29:

  • Keep fighting against the system and you will be broken.
  • Wicked rulers sow and reap a harvest of human misery.
  • Whores don’t love you, son. They love your money. Believe me, I know.
  • A good ruler is just, politicians who take large and mostly unlimited campaign contributions in the name of free speech from shadowy people and corporations in exchange for favorable legislation pervert justice.
  • Don’t buy into flattery. They want something from you.
  • Righteous people care about the poor. The wicked say the poor should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.
  • You can’t win an argument with a troll.
  • If a rule pays attention to falsehood, like say believes everything he reads on hyperpartisan websites… imagine how horrible that would be…
  • God makes the sun rise on the just and the unjust.
  • A king who gives justice to the poor will be established forever… or at least until the rich flood the system with money in order to get their man on the throne.
  • Beat your child as needed.
  • When there is no idea of a common good, the people do whatever they want.
  • Beat your slaves as needed.
  • People who speak without thinking are worse than trolls.
  • Seriously, don’t go easy on your slaves or they will start thinking they’re people.
  • Your angry friend will always start a bar fight.
  • Pride goes before a fall.. yeah, I know, I sort of ran out of things to say a while ago, but no one seems to have noticed.

 

Chapter 30:

Hey, it’s a new guy speaking: Agur, the son of Jakeh

  • I don’t know anything and I’m really stupid! This is a great way to start a book of proverbs!
  • Every word of God is tested. Well, in my experience, it’s more believed unquestioningly and we don’t ask too many questions about whether or not it’s the word of God in the first place.
  • Hey, God, I just want two things: to know and speak the truth and to have enough money that I can get by.
  • Don’t speak bad about a slave or you’ll look bad?
  • There are a lot of assholes out there: disrespectful kids, hypocrites, the self-important, and the oppressor.
  • There are some people out there that will suck you dry and leave you drained.
  • I don’t understand eagles, snakes, sailing, or love.
  • Did you ever notice how whores don’t think they’re doing anything wrong?
  • Ants are cool for storing their food, hyraxes are cool because they live in the rocks, locusts are cool because of how they swarm, and lizards that seem to slip past security and live in palaces.
  • Lions are cool because they’re fucking lions, man. Roosters are cool. Male goats… and a king at the head of an army, that’s cool too.
  • Stop boasting about yourself. That’s what resumes are for.

 

Alright, Agur… you seem dumber than Solomon, which is surprising.

 

Chapter 31:

Now we hear from King Lemuel. Who is King Lemuel? We don’t know. He wasn’t mentioned in the list of losers and dumbasses in the books of Kings or Chronicles. But his mom gave him some advice that somehow made it into Solomon’s book too:

  • Don’t go out whoring around.
  • Don’t drink. But do let the depressed and the afflicted drink so they can forget their troubles.
  • Speak for the forgotten, the outcasts, the poor, and afflicted. Protect their rights.
  • Okay, here’s a final section for all the ladies in the church to aspire to be this impossible archtype of a wife who works, pops out kids and raises and homeschools them while making her husband happy, finding time to volunteer at the church, bake cookies for the woman’s group meeting, run faster than a speeding bullet and leap tall buildings with a single bound. Let’s all gather together and study this chapter so we can list and highlight all of your personal failings like how you sometimes let dishes sit in the sing for a day or two and feed your children Pop Tarts and are too tired to have sex sometimes. This will be good for you… somehow… well, it’ll get you in a weepy mood to pray and beg God to make you better and you’ll buy my book, so that’s good.

 

Sigh… and we’re done. Yes! Woo-hoo! Next up, the book of God’s word that every literalist says we shouldn’t actually pay attention to because it’s not really God’s word even though it’s in the bible.

The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 27-28


Chapter 27

  • Don’t boast about tomorrow because you might be dead.
  • Don’t self-promote. That’s what hype men are for.
  • Trolls are really annoying, am I right?
  • Jealousy will make people do crazy things.
  • Friends tell you when you’re wrong and when you have a booger hanging out of your nose.
  • If you were really hungry, you would eat what I MADE FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE ENTITLED BRAT!
  • Like a bird that wanders, so is the man who wanders. No, man, I am not high… you’re high… yeah… duuuuude…
  • Wise counsel makes you feel, like, really good, man.
  • Be there for your friends and family, but it’s better to go to a neighbor’s house than your brother’s house when you’re in trouble. No sense in bringing the law to your brother’s house.
  • Don’t be a dumbass, kid.
  • Wise people foresee trouble and avoid it. Naïve people trust the Wall St. Journal and buy a house with an adjustable rate mortgage in 2007…
  • Ream the hell out of anyone who cosigns a loan, kid, and blackmail a guy involved in adultery.
  • Seriously, man, bitches, am I right?
  • Here’s a verse every men’s ministry will print on T-shirts for their Men’s Retreats to encourage men to pester one another about how often they read their bible vs. how often they jerk off to pron.
  • Look, slaves, work hard, take care of me, and I will totally honor you. Maybe with a fruit basket for your birthday.
  • What’s in your heart will come out eventually.
  • If you want to see a man’s character, give him adulation and power.
  • You can beat the shit out of a troll all day, you can post links and facts and evidence and waste hours of your life debunking every fucking thing he ever says, but he won’t stop being an idiot and believing that Sandy Hook was staged.
  • Pay attention to your financial investments, kid, or the market will ream you.

 

Chapter 28:

  • If you’re doing the speed limit, you’re not going to freak out when the cop pulls up behind you.
  • Politicians are scum and destroy the land, but the wise keep trying to maintain civilization anyway.
  • Stop punching down, people. It’s not the fault of the Other. It’s probably the fault of the wealthy.
  • Good people strive against evil in any form. The wicked flatter the evil doer and admire them and faun over them.
  • The wicked practice injustice and don’t even recognize it when it happens right in front of them.
  • Walk in justice, it is better than to riches and oppression.
  • Keep company with the just, not with gluttons and the greedy that waste their wealth only on themselves.
  • Cursed is the one that makes his money off of usury and interest.
  • God hates religion without justice.
  • People who corrupt the good will be judged.
  • The wealthy man thinks he is smart. Real smart. Like the best smart guy evar. But the poor man with wisdom sees through him.
  • If you try to deny your sins, people are going to think you’re an ass. If you confess them, seek forgiveness, and stop being an ass, people will be compassionate towards you.
  • The oppressor is a devouring tyrant that consumes the poor and spreads fear.
  • The Just man will prolong his days… you know… unless the unjust rulers kill them brutally for standing against them.
  • The man deemed guilty of murder will be a fugitive all of his days… or until act three when he finds the one-armed man.
  • Better to work hard for your food than to buy a hundred lottery tickets in the hopes of getting rich.
  • If you rob your mom and dad, you’re worse than a murderer.
  • Don’t follow your heart, that’s stupid advice. Use your head and your heart to walk wisely.
  • When the wicked gain power, men hide themselves, but when the wicked are purged, the righteous flourish.