Category Archives: Humor

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 2


Your humble Exalted Reverend Most High Grande Nacho Supreme Poobah has been a bit under the weather this week. So he’s not going to suffer through both a mild bout of the flu and the Quran, so we will continue our exploration of our new religion, Whoopee, and our new deity Big Whoop. Today, we’ll be answering some questions that arose from finding out a new deity existed.

Why should I follow Big Whoop instead of my current deity?

That is a very good question. To answer that, let me ask you a question? Has your God ever decided to destroy the world and drown all of the cute baby meat critters because people suck? If so, that should be a good enough reason to consider a less homicidal deity.

Another good reason is that unlike all of the other deities out there, Big Whoop is honest enough to admit right up front that he does not, in fact, exist.

He doesn’t exist?

Not in the slightest.

Isn’t it kind of odd to follow a god that doesn’t exist?

That hasn’t stopped all of the other gods from building their own religions, so Big Whoop does not foresee this to be a problem for the most holy religion of Whoopee either.

Do you have any proof that Big Whoop doesn’t exist?

Yes. Unlike other deities, Big Whoop is not shy or timid about showing up in front of everybody and saying, “Hi there!” So you can rest assured that if Big Whoop did exist, you would damn well know it.

So is there an afterlife?

No.

Big Whoop is terribly sorry about that. You see, Big Whoop actually didn’t intend to make humans. He was fiddling around with some amino acids some 4 billion years ago and constructed a single cell. It was quite cool. What was even cooler was that this little organic machine started to copy itself.

“That is neat-o,” said Big Whoop. “I wonder if I can build another one?”

So he build another little machine, then another. And they all copied themselves. Of course, some of them didn’t copy themselves so well, so soon there were billions of different kinds of little cells all floating about unconsciously in the ocean.

I think we can all agree that an afterlife for a little single cell is completely unnecessary, so Big Whoop didn’t bother constructing one.

I mean, he hardly expected you little cells to start organizing into meat creatures, let alone somehow attain consciousness and start asking philosophical questions about the meaning of life and such.

So, no, there is no afterlife. Big Whoop apologizes for the inconvenience.

Wait, couldn’t Big Whoop whip one up right now?

Well, of course, he could. But that might take years and frankly, some of you are looking like you can’t wait that long.

Also, there is the slight matter of Big Whoop’s non-existence which might put a bit of a dampener on any plans to construct an afterlife.

So, it might happen, but sadly, I cannot promise you an afterlife, no promise of eternity. Just a promise of now. You are alive now. You exist now. Enjoy it. Enjoy every little moment of your extremely improbable life. Cherish every hug, remember every kiss, think warmly of every joy, and remember that every sorrow is temporary for one day you will fall asleep and simply be gone.

That seems rather unfair.

I’m sorry, that wasn’t a question.

Doesn’t that seem rather unfair?

No more so than your previous non-existence before your birth was ‘unfair.’

Why would we be moral if there’s no afterlife?

Are you saying you really need the threat of punishment after death to be a moral person?

Uh… maybe?

Fine, I suppose we could humor you if you really are that psychologically damaged.

When you die, an angelic hall monitor shaped like a potato will arrive to take you to the Big Whoop’s Principal’s Office where he’ll look over your permanent record and decide how long you have to spend in Big Whoop’s Timeout Corner for Very Naughty Monkeys.

While stuck in Timeout, everyone you’ve ever met or ever will meet will come by and tell you to your face about all the times you were an asshole to them.

And once that’s over, you can go out and play at Recess.

Recess? Is that like heaven?

With the clouds and the harps and the constant telling a deity how wonderful he is? No. Recess is just that. Go outside, play, build your own little single-cell machines, smoke behind the gym, whatever, just get out of Big Whoop’s face and leave him alone. He has many god things to do, you know?

God things?

Yes. As in “none of your monkey business.”

It’s porn, isn’t it?

Oh, yes., You think you’ve seen nudity. You haven’t begun to comprehend the subject until you’ve seen two multi-dimensional entities phase shift into the sane plane and insert their ethereal glowy bits into one another’s semi-permeable membranes.

If Big Whoop is all-powerful and all-loving, why is there evil in the world?

Please refer back to the ‘he doesn’t exist’ answer.

But if you created Big Whoop, then doesn’t he exist in some capacity?

My, you are a clever hairless monkey, aren’t you?

Yes, I suppose in some capacity, now that I’ve created him, Big Whoop does exist. But since one of the attributes of Big Whoop is his non-existence, we’re left with a conundrum. “Conundrum” of course, being a very fancy word for saying that this religion doesn’t really make sense. And since no other religion cares about making sense, I fail to see why Big Whoop cannot both exist and not exist at the same time. A = Not A is only a problematic statement when you’re attempting to construct a logical argument after all, and faith is simply not logical.

Now then, this chapter has almost reached a thousand words, so I won’t bore you any further this week. We’ll be answering more of your questions regarding your new Lord and God in the coming weeks, but for now, we shall bring this chapter to a close. And to entice you to return, next week, we will discuss something you naughty monkeys are very fond of and obsessed over: sexual intercourse. Won’t that be a hoot?

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The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 1


Rather than continuing with the Quran today, because the thought of doing so is only slightly less attractive to me than hammering a nail through my scrotum, I thought we might take the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) up on his challenge and write some scripture of our own.

So today, I would like to introduce you all to the one true religion.

Whoopee.

Yes, Whoopee.

Yes, it is a rather silly name. But religions are rather silly things, so it fits.

Now, this religion doesn’t require you to believe in it. It doesn’t require your money. It doesn’t require you to spend most of one day a week listening to someone in a funny costume talk about much you suck. It doesn’t even require you to give up your bacon cheeseburgers.

No, this religion requires but one thing of you. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

As with any religion, we’re going to need a deity. So you’ll be surprised and pleased, I hope, to learn that I found one. So, Ladies, Gentlemen, and those who don’t fit either of those categories, let me introduce you to God.

Say hello to Big Whoop.

As the name implies, he is sort of a big deal. Yes, Big Whoop is the Almighty. The Creator. The Lord of this reality, that reality, and the reality where all of your missing socks disappear to. There he is known by the moniker, the Big Sneaker, and your former socks pray daily to be enveloped in his stinky warmth.

First, I should clarify, when I use the word “he” to describe Big Whoop, it’s not entirely accurate. You see, I’m mostly using “he” as a simplistic convention of the English language. No, Big Whoop is not exclusively a “he”. He is both He, and not He. Both She and not She. To be honest, Big Whoop is both every gender and no gender all at the same time.

If you find that confusing, just think of how he feels when he creates an online dating profile. Fortunately, super-dimensional entities are very open and quite freaky (we’re looking at you, Zeus), so it has not hurt his social life at all.

Secondly, you should know that Big Whoop is terribly sorry for the current state of the world. You see, when he last checked in, you were all apes with slightly above average intelligence. He thought he could pop out, run a few errands, and come back without you weird little primates burning the place down. Clearly, he was wrong and he apologizes.

Yes, sometimes Big Whoop can be wrong. And when Big Whoop is wrong, like any advanced super-dimensional entity with class and morals does, Big Whoop apologizes.

We should also mention that Big Whoop is self-sufficient. Thus he does not give a whoop if you believe in him or not. He doesn’t care if you worship him or not. He finds your religions to be a bit weird, to be honest, and he sees how often you little apes beat each other with sticks because of them, so he’d actually prefer if you just leave him out of it. If you feel the need to acknowledge Big Whoop, he would prefer you send a nice little card to him around the holidays.

Well, that and that you would follow his one simple rule. Yes, finally, we arrive at our religion’s and our deity’s one command for you, little hairless monkeys, and that command, that imperative that is so very important is this:

Don’t be an asshole.

I know, right? I’ll give you a moment.

Yes, don’t be an asshole. It really is that simple.

That’s it. One rule. Not ten, not five, not two. Just one.

Big Whoop is, after all, very realistic when it comes to how much you meat critters can remember at any given moment with your brains made out of meat.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, “What if I am an asshole.”

Stop it.

Then apologize to the people to which you were an asshole and make things right.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, and really you shouldn’t. I’m not a prophet… I am but a simple Exalted Reverend Most High Grande Nacho Supreme Poobah.

“Wow, that’s a mouthful,” you might say, to which I reply, “That’s what she said.”

“No, no… I had another question,” you insisted. “Though it is rather impressive,” you might say in a tone you would use to humor a small toddler. “My question is, ‘how do I know if I’m being an asshole?’”

Use your common sense. You have a mind. Use it.

Oh, fine, I suppose Big Whoop and I can hang around for a bit and go over a few topics in the weeks ahead and help you understand how not to be an asshole in different situations you may face.

But if we do this, you must promise not to be an asshole about it and use our guidelines to go about beating other little monkeys with sticks because you disagree with them.

Are we understood?

Good, I would hate for you to end up in Big Whoops Time Out Corner. It’s a place for every naughty monkeys, after all.

But I suppose we’ll get into that later.

For now, my beloved brethren, go forth today and don’t be assholes.

The Great Cosmic Prank


So, okay, there’s this God. There’s this God and he’s sitting in a great void, so he says, “Let there be light.” Big bang happens. Particles and shit go everywhere. So this God, right? Still alone in a big pile of particle shit. But he’s literally got all eternity to wait and work, so eventually all of those particles come together to form the first stars, then planets. So He’s sitting in a nearly infinite universe He’s just created with billions and billions of galaxies each full of billions and billions of stars and planets. Like almost infinite diversity in the universe already.

So this God whether by design or through the natural course of the events He set in motion picks a planet or maybe more, who knows, right? And says, “Let there be life.” A few little proteins coalesce and form a few rudimentary living things. Microscopic life. And they multiply and they mutate and soon… well, soon, on a galactic scale, there’s trillions of the little things floating around, but they don’t look like the first living things anymore. All of that reproduction and mutation has caused significant little changes here and there. Some were good, some were bad. But now we have a lot of microscopic bio-diversity.

And soon (again, cosmically speaking) we’ve got some of these microscopic cells that sort of develop into more complex critters and then more branch out and develop into more complex creatures and soon we have an ocean full of life and millions of distinct animals. Some of which start to crawl or flop about on land, and boom… land animals.

Amphibians, lizards, insects, dinosaurs, meteors, mammals, monkeys, primates, and then some primates give birth to a baby primate that has something… that spark of self-awareness and intelligence that sets him or her above their ancestors. Human beings develop and spread. It’s a rough go at first, but soon there are millions of us wandering about the Earth building civilizations, asking questions, each one of us unique and individual. Millions becomes hundreds of millions.

So then God, right? Remember him? God sitting in an infinite universe of infinite stars and near infinite planets looks down at one world where there is uncountable diversity of life and hundreds of millions of homo sapiens each unique and individual and then God looks down and shouts at the hundreds of millions of homo sapiens on one tiny rock orbiting one star in this infinite universe and this God shouts,  “HEY! You guys have to all fit into exactly two categories and it depends on your dangly bits or lack thereof.”

Best fucking joke in the universe, right?

The TL:DR Bible: John 6-7


Chapter 6:

Jesus goes out to the countryside and a crowd follows him.

“Hey, Philip? Where can we buy bread for the crowd so we can feed them?”

“Yeah, Jesus, that’s a bit out of our price range.”

“Hey, there’s a kid here with five loaves and two fish, but that’s not going to do much good.”

So Jesus has everyone sit down and He blesses the food and feeds everyone with a lot of leftovers to spare.  And everyone’s like, “Yea! Jesus just solved world hunger! He’s got to be the prophet Moses promised!”

And Jesus is like, “Aw, crap, these people are going to make me their king now.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“No, no, there’s this whole… thing… anyway, let’s go.”

The disciples head over in a boat, but Jesus decides to take a walk on the lake. They freak out when they see him, he tells them to knock that shit off, gets into the boat and they land on the other side. This time, Peter stays in the boat, I guess.

Then the crowd gets up, notices Jesus is missing and goes out to find him. When they do, they ask him when he got there.

Jesus says, “You guys only want me around because of the free food. Stop being concerned about the food for the body, and look for the food for the soul.”

“That’s easy to say when you can just make food. We live in the Iron Age with poor sanitation and no refrigeration. Anyway, what do you want us to do?”

“Believe in me whom God has sent!”

“Why should we believe in you?”

“I just fed all of you with five loaves of bread and two fish? Hello?”

“Yeah, but Moses gave our ancestors bread too.”

“No, God gave them the bread. God is giving to you bread which will give life to the world.”

“Okay, let’s have some of this bread.”

“I am the bread of live. Come to me and you will not hunger or thirst again… spiritually… totally spiritually because a lot of you are going to die of starvation and dehydration over the course of the next two thousand years… but I’ve come from heaven to do the will of God. Everyone who believes in me will be raised up to eternal life in the last day.”

The Jews are like, “No, you didn’t come from heaven. You’re the son of Joseph and Mary.”

“Only the ones my Dad brings can come to me and I will raise them up at the last day. I’ve seen the face of God because I came forth from God, if you believe in me, you will have eternal life. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but I am living bread. Eat of my body and you will live forever.”

“Dude, we’re not cannibals.”

“If you don’t eat my body and drink my blood, you cannot have life within you.”

“Jesus, dude, this is pretty weird,” said the disciples.

“This freaks you guys out? How about when I go back to heaven? But I know at least one of you doesn’t believe in me… Judas…. Lookin’ at you, dude. So are you guys going to bail too?”

“You’re the Messiah who has the words of eternal life,” Peter said. “Where else could we go?”

 

Chapter 7:

There’s another feast and Jesus’ brothers say, “Let’s go to Jerusalem and you can show off your miracles there.”

Jesus says, “It’s not time yet and a lot of other mystic words about why everyone hates me.”

But after they leave, Jesus goes off in secret. And the crowds were looking for him in Jerusalem and everyone had a different idea about him, except the priests who didn’t like Jesus very much. But Jesus shows up and starts teaching and everyone wonders how he became so wise when he is barely literate and didn’t go to Bible College.

Jesus says, “Hey, I’m just speaking for God, so you know you can totally trust me that I’m not speaking for my own gain. Also, you’re all hypocrites and sinners and you’re trying to kill me.”

“Uh… we’re not trying to kill you. You might be a bit touched in the head, Jesus.”

“Look, I did one healing on the Sabbath (it was more than one) and you all freak, but you people circumcise babies on Saturday and it’s not a big deal.”

“Is this the guy the priests want to kill? Why aren’t they stopping him? Do they know He’s the Messiah? But that doesn’t make sense. No one knows where the Messiah comes from, but this guy is from Nazareth.”

“You know me, but I come from God. You don’t know God, I do. He has sent me.”

They try to arrest Jesus and fail. Jesus says, “I’m only going to be here for a bit longer. You won’t find me again.”

They try to arrest him again and everyone assumes he’s leaving Judea to go teach the Jewish communities in foreign countries.

“If anyone is thirsty come to me and I will give you living water.”

No one has any idea who Jesus is. The police don’t arrest him though and get chewed out by the priests and Pharisees when they say Jesus speaks so differently than they do. Nicodemus tries to stick up for Jesus, but is also rebuked.

The TL:DR Bible: Luke 21-22


Chapter 21:

Here’s the story of the poor widow giving every cent she had to the Temple. Jesus says she has given more than everyone else. Do we really want to be encouraging poor widows to send their Social Security checks to churches?

The disciples comment on how awesome the Temple looks, Jesus says it’s going to be destroyed. Then goes on to list a bunch of things related to the Temple’s destruction like:

  • Don’t trust other guys who claim to be the Messiah.
  • Wars will happen.
  • Earthquakes
  • Diseases and famine.

The Jews are going to persecute the church. The disciples will have a chance to share their faith in front of various Roman officials. And everyone’s going to hate them because Jesus. Which may have applied in 1st century Rome, but now most folks hate them because of their political involvement and hypocrisy.

When you see the Romans surrounding Jerusalem, then you guys will know that it’s end is near… well… yeah… kinda obvious at that point.

Everything will be miserable for the people trapped in Jerusalem, which… it was. And then all sorts of supernatural signs will happen and Jesus will show up to wrap everything up.

This generation will not pass away until all these things are fulfilled. So, if Jesus was right, somewhere out there is a 2,100 year old immortal Jew who was one of his disciples.

Then they leave Jerusalem and Jesus sleeps on the Mount of Olives.

 

Chapter 22:

Judas gets possessed by the devil in his version of the story and sells out Jesus… which… brings up all sorts of theological issues about Judas’ guilt in Jesus’ betrayal. If the literal devil crawls into your skin and makes you do something, how can you be responsible for doing that?

Jesus arranges to crash at someone’s home to eat the Passover meal.

Jesus eats the meal with his disciples and has the First Communion.

The disciples start wondering what the pecking order is among them and Jesus says, “People in the world lord their power over others, but it is not this way with you.”

Clearly Jesus hasn’t been to a church council meeting lately.

“The leader among you must serve the rest, as I have served you. You have stuck with me for all these years, and you will sit with me in Dad’s kingdom judging the tribes of Israel.”

“Also, Peter, you’re going to deny me three times.”

“Did you ever lack when I sent you out with no money?”

“No, Lord.”

“Now everyone take money with them on their journey. And if you don’t have a sword tonight, buy a sword, so the prophesy can be fulfilled that I was numbered with the transgressors.”

“We’ve got two swords!”

“Enough,” Jesus said.

“Should we get some AR-15’s a bazooka too?”

“Sigh…. #missingthepoint,” Jesus said.

So they go out to the Garden of Gethsemane and Jesus prays again asking God not to kill him but to find another way because He’s God and He can do anything… but He won’t do that. Yes, I will work a Meatloaf reference into the Passion narrative.

Judas betrays Jesus. Peter hacks off the ear of the high priest’s slave and Jesus rebukes him and heals the slave’s ear. Jesus is arrested again. Everyone flees again. Somehow we still get a narrative even though no one was there… again.

Peter denies Jesus again.

Jesus gets beaten again.

Everyone says, “Are you the Messiah?” to Jesus again. Jesus answers, “Yep and I will come in glory with the power of God.”

And then they say, “Well, that’s enough for us. Let’s kill the dude.”

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 14-15


Chapter 14:

John the Baptist: It’s not cool for you to marry your sister-in-law unless your brother is actually dead, you know.

Herod: Yeah, yeah, I get it… hey, why don’t enjoy some time off in a nice cell.

Herod throws a party and his niece does a striptease that gets the drunk old pervert horny…

Herod: Hey, Baby, you’re so hot. You’re so hot I’ll give you anything you want, up to half my kingdom.

Salome: Give me John’s head on a silver platter.

Herod: That’s a weird tip, and I don’t think it’ll fit down your G-string, but okay.

John: This job sucks.

Jesus goes away for a while after hearing of John’s death, but everyone follows him anyway. And he feels compassion for them, so he sits down and starts teaching them.

Jesus: We should probably feed them.

Disciples: We’ve only got five pita breads and two fish.

Jesus: Well, let’s get started.

They pass out the food and it keeps multiplying until everyone’s fed and they have 12 baskets of leftovers.

Jesus: You guys go on. I’m going to send the crowds home.

The disciples get into a boat and immediately get into a storm. Jesus walks on by.

Jesus: Hey, guys!

Peter: AHHHHHHH!

Jesus: It’s me. Relax.

Peter: If it’s you, then I want to walk on water too.

Jesus: Come on out.

So Peter does, but then he gets freaked out and sinks, so Jesus pulls him up and puts him back in the boat.

Peter: You are the son of God.

And they land and everyone wants more free health care like the mooching moochers they are, so Jesus gives it to them. Freakin’ liberal Jesus. Doesn’t he understand how the markets work?

 

Chapter 15:

Pharisees: Hey, your disciples aren’t washing their hands before they eat. That’s kind of gross.

Jesus: Yeah, well, you guys break the commandments of God by not helping out your mom and dad because you claim your wealth is dedicated to God. Besides, it’s not what you eat that defiles you, but what comes out of your mouth.

Louis Pasteur: Uh…

Disciples: Hey, the Pharisees didn’t like that last part either.

Jesus: Yeah, well, they suck.

Peter: Well, could you explain it to us?

Jesus: What? Are you guys stupid too? What you eat goes into your belly and gets broken down. What you say reveals your corrupted heart and that’s what defiles you.

So they leave and go to a Gentile town, and a Canaanite woman comes to him.

Woman: Please help! My daughter is severely demon possessed!

Jesus: Jews only, lady. The doctor only sees Jews only, not Gentile dogs.

Woman: Even the dogs get to eat table scraps, Lord.

Jesus: Okay, you’ve won me over. Go. Your daughter is healed.

Jesus hands out more free healthcare to the Jews and feeds four thousand people before getting into  a boat and leaving.

A modest healthcare proposal…


Someone has leaked some of the negotiations between Congress and the White House on reforming healthcare:

“Okay, let’s start this meeting. We need a strategy on reforming health care. Bitch?”

“It’s Mitch, Mr. President.”

“Not from where I’m sitting. Bitch? What’s the strategy for getting this through the Senate.”

“Well, many of our colleagues our convinced that forcing 22 million people off of health insurance would be bad for their electoral chances, but several of them are convinced that we’re not forcing enough people off of health care. Right now we’re trying to figure out how to be more cruel… but in a nice way. Senator Cruz suggested a compromise where some poor people can have health insurance, but only if they eat a live puppy.”

“Puppies are good. People love puppies. I like it. We’ll get good ratings. I, of course, prefer pussy. But I get it. Paula?”

“Paul, Mr. President.”

“Are you into this whole puppy eating thing?”

“The House Freedom caucus objects to the government giving free food to anyone, even if it is a rather cute puppy that they must horribly butcher and eat raw. They suggest that people have to go and buy a puppy on their own to eat.”

“But what if they can’t afford their own puppy?”

“The Freedom caucus suggested as an alternative that they could eat one of their children. That’ll not only feed them, but also free up some of their income so they can pay higher insurance premiums.”

“I like it. Always a parent’s prerogative to eat the weaker of their spawn. Tried to do that with Tiffany, but she was just so fast and nimble. Could never get the drop on her. Just like her old man. Let’s go with that then.”