Jesus goes out to the countryside and a crowd follows him.
“Hey, Philip? Where can we buy bread for the crowd so we can feed them?”
“Yeah, Jesus, that’s a bit out of our price range.”
“Hey, there’s a kid here with five loaves and two fish, but that’s not going to do much good.”
So Jesus has everyone sit down and He blesses the food and feeds everyone with a lot of leftovers to spare. And everyone’s like, “Yea! Jesus just solved world hunger! He’s got to be the prophet Moses promised!”
And Jesus is like, “Aw, crap, these people are going to make me their king now.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“No, no, there’s this whole… thing… anyway, let’s go.”
The disciples head over in a boat, but Jesus decides to take a walk on the lake. They freak out when they see him, he tells them to knock that shit off, gets into the boat and they land on the other side. This time, Peter stays in the boat, I guess.
Then the crowd gets up, notices Jesus is missing and goes out to find him. When they do, they ask him when he got there.
Jesus says, “You guys only want me around because of the free food. Stop being concerned about the food for the body, and look for the food for the soul.”
“That’s easy to say when you can just make food. We live in the Iron Age with poor sanitation and no refrigeration. Anyway, what do you want us to do?”
“Believe in me whom God has sent!”
“Why should we believe in you?”
“I just fed all of you with five loaves of bread and two fish? Hello?”
“Yeah, but Moses gave our ancestors bread too.”
“No, God gave them the bread. God is giving to you bread which will give life to the world.”
“Okay, let’s have some of this bread.”
“I am the bread of live. Come to me and you will not hunger or thirst again… spiritually… totally spiritually because a lot of you are going to die of starvation and dehydration over the course of the next two thousand years… but I’ve come from heaven to do the will of God. Everyone who believes in me will be raised up to eternal life in the last day.”
The Jews are like, “No, you didn’t come from heaven. You’re the son of Joseph and Mary.”
“Only the ones my Dad brings can come to me and I will raise them up at the last day. I’ve seen the face of God because I came forth from God, if you believe in me, you will have eternal life. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but I am living bread. Eat of my body and you will live forever.”
“Dude, we’re not cannibals.”
“If you don’t eat my body and drink my blood, you cannot have life within you.”
“Jesus, dude, this is pretty weird,” said the disciples.
“This freaks you guys out? How about when I go back to heaven? But I know at least one of you doesn’t believe in me… Judas…. Lookin’ at you, dude. So are you guys going to bail too?”
“You’re the Messiah who has the words of eternal life,” Peter said. “Where else could we go?”
There’s another feast and Jesus’ brothers say, “Let’s go to Jerusalem and you can show off your miracles there.”
Jesus says, “It’s not time yet and a lot of other mystic words about why everyone hates me.”
But after they leave, Jesus goes off in secret. And the crowds were looking for him in Jerusalem and everyone had a different idea about him, except the priests who didn’t like Jesus very much. But Jesus shows up and starts teaching and everyone wonders how he became so wise when he is barely literate and didn’t go to Bible College.
Jesus says, “Hey, I’m just speaking for God, so you know you can totally trust me that I’m not speaking for my own gain. Also, you’re all hypocrites and sinners and you’re trying to kill me.”
“Uh… we’re not trying to kill you. You might be a bit touched in the head, Jesus.”
“Look, I did one healing on the Sabbath (it was more than one) and you all freak, but you people circumcise babies on Saturday and it’s not a big deal.”
“Is this the guy the priests want to kill? Why aren’t they stopping him? Do they know He’s the Messiah? But that doesn’t make sense. No one knows where the Messiah comes from, but this guy is from Nazareth.”
“You know me, but I come from God. You don’t know God, I do. He has sent me.”
They try to arrest Jesus and fail. Jesus says, “I’m only going to be here for a bit longer. You won’t find me again.”
They try to arrest him again and everyone assumes he’s leaving Judea to go teach the Jewish communities in foreign countries.
“If anyone is thirsty come to me and I will give you living water.”
No one has any idea who Jesus is. The police don’t arrest him though and get chewed out by the priests and Pharisees when they say Jesus speaks so differently than they do. Nicodemus tries to stick up for Jesus, but is also rebuked.