Category Archives: Humor

A modest healthcare proposal…


Someone has leaked some of the negotiations between Congress and the White House on reforming healthcare:

“Okay, let’s start this meeting. We need a strategy on reforming health care. Bitch?”

“It’s Mitch, Mr. President.”

“Not from where I’m sitting. Bitch? What’s the strategy for getting this through the Senate.”

“Well, many of our colleagues our convinced that forcing 22 million people off of health insurance would be bad for their electoral chances, but several of them are convinced that we’re not forcing enough people off of health care. Right now we’re trying to figure out how to be more cruel… but in a nice way. Senator Cruz suggested a compromise where some poor people can have health insurance, but only if they eat a live puppy.”

“Puppies are good. People love puppies. I like it. We’ll get good ratings. I, of course, prefer pussy. But I get it. Paula?”

“Paul, Mr. President.”

“Are you into this whole puppy eating thing?”

“The House Freedom caucus objects to the government giving free food to anyone, even if it is a rather cute puppy that they must horribly butcher and eat raw. They suggest that people have to go and buy a puppy on their own to eat.”

“But what if they can’t afford their own puppy?”

“The Freedom caucus suggested as an alternative that they could eat one of their children. That’ll not only feed them, but also free up some of their income so they can pay higher insurance premiums.”

“I like it. Always a parent’s prerogative to eat the weaker of their spawn. Tried to do that with Tiffany, but she was just so fast and nimble. Could never get the drop on her. Just like her old man. Let’s go with that then.”

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 4-5


Chapter 4:

Holy Spirit: Let’s go into the desert. Let’s go into the desert. Let’s go into the desert…

Jesus: And get ourselves a treat?

Holy Spirit: And fast for forty days.

Jesus: Uh… yea?

Satan: Hey, you look hungry. Why don’t you just turn some rocks into bread, since you’re the Son of God?

Jesus: Is this a temptation? How is this a temptation?

Satan: Come on, I’m doing my best… I haven’t done any actual tempting since I got some woman and her clueless husband to eat an apple.

Jesus: It shows. Anyway, the bible says, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word from God.’”

Satan: Okay, well… what if you jump from the top of the Temple. Angels will totally catch you, everyone will see that you’re the Son of God, and start worshipping you.

Jesus: I mean… that’s better, but still, you don’t test God by jumping off of buildings.

Satan: Okay… how about I make all of the world’s leaders follow you and bow to you and all you have to do is bow to me?

Jesus: Seriously?

Satan: A little bow? A teensy-weensy bow? Just nod your head? No?

Jesus: You’re making this awkward. You should go.

Angel: Hey, boss, here’s some bread from heaven.

Jesus goes back to Galilee and settles in Capernaum. Matthew pulls a few more verses out of context.

Jesus: Everyone stop being dicks to each other. The Kingdom of Heaven is coming!

Later, he’s walking along the shore and sees Peter and Andrew.

Jesus: Follow me, guys.

Peter: Sounds good.

He sees James and John working with their dad in their boat.

Jesus: Follow Me.

James and John: Okay.

Zebedee: Hey! What about the nets? Stupid kids…

So Jesus goes around the area giving sermons and healing people and he gets really famous.

 

Chapter 5:

Jesus goes up on a hill and teaches the people:

  • Blessed are the poor in spirit, they will inherit the Kingdom of God.
  • Blessed are the afflicted. They will be comforted.
  • Blessed are the gentle. They will inherit the Earth.
  • Blessed are the hungry and thirsty for justice, they will see justice.
  • Blessed are the merciful, they will see God.
  • Blessed are the peacemakers, they will be called sons of God.
  • Blessed are the persecuted for doing what is right, they will inherit the kingdom of God.

Do what is right, good, pure, merciful, and just and be an example to others, so they can glorify God.

I have not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it. Not one letter of the Law will pass away until all is accomplished. So if you teach anyone to disobey a commandment, you will be cursed. But if you teach them to obey the commandments, you will be blessed.

Unless you’re more righteous than a scribe or a Pharisee, you will not see the kingdom of God.

It was said, ‘Do not commit murder’, but I say take the principle even farther and don’t even hate or insult your fellow man.

It was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’, but I say take the principle even farther and don’t have lustful thoughts about a woman who isn’t your wife.

Moses said you could divorce your wife, but I say that unless she is guilty of adultery, if you divorce her, you make her an adulteress, and whoever married a divorced woman commits adultery.

Do not make oaths. Say what you mean and do what you say.

It was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth’, but I say, do not return evil for evil. Do not be violent. Do not resist an evil man. If someone strikes you, offer him another free shot. If someone tries to take your coat, offer him your shirt too. If a Roman tries to make you carry his gear for a mile, go two miles.

Give to those who ask of you and do not turn away from the one in need.

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate and persecute you. God is good even to those that hate him or don’t know He exists. So you do the same. There is no reward in doing good to those who do good to you. Everyone does that, but you be good towards everyone.

I end with an observation made by Kurt Vonnegut:

“For some reason, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes (Matthew 5). But, often with tears in their eyes, the demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course, that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere.
“Blessed are the merciful” in a courtroom? “Blessed are the peacemakers” in the Pentagon? Give me a break!”

The TL:DR Bible: Malachi


Chapter 1:

“I love you guys,” said the Lord.

“Uh… we’re not seeing that down here,” said the Jews.

“I have loved you. I hate your brother Esau. I’m totally screwing over his kids, but you guys are back in your own land. So get to the magnifying Me part.”

“Okay,” God said, “I do have a few things to talk about. First, stop offering me flawed animals. Only Grade-A or above beef and lamb, please. You guys keep bringing me lame, flawed, or stolen critters to kill before Me, and I don’t like it. Only bring the best to Me. I am your priests-, I mean… you great King.”

 

Chapter 2:

“Speaking of priests, you guys better shape up and honor Me too or I’m going to curse you and smear shit on your faces. You guys are showing favor to the wealthy.”

“We all have one father and God has created us all. But seriously, don’t marry foreign women. That makes God mad. Although God says He hates divorce, so maybe don’t kick your wives and children out into the streets because Ezra says so.”

“Also, God’s getting really tired of you guys saying that evil people prosper and wondering where the justice in the world is. Yes, evil people prosper and there seems to be no justice in the world, but God’s getting tired of you complaining about it.”

 

Chapter 3:

So God said, “I’m going to send a messenger. A Purifier who will purify the priests, so they can present pleasing offerings to the Lord again. And I will come and judge the sorcerers, even Gandalf, Harry Potter, and Merlin! And I’ll judge the adulterers, the liars, the oppressors, and the racist xenophobes.”

“I don’t change, so I haven’t destroyed you. But come back to me.”

“We’re right here,” said the Jews.

“You’re not giving me all of the stuff I told you to give to me! If you just give me your stuff, I’ll give you more. But seriously, guys, stop talking shit about Me.”

“We’re not,” said the Jews.

“Really? I hear a lot of whining about how evil people prosper, while you suffer for being good.”

“Yeah, it’s not just us. There’s a lot of that in the New Testament too…”

Then the pious got together and spoke well of the Lord and the Lord noticed and had a book written with all of their names and the nice things they said about Him, so He would spare them in the day of wrath and not kill them horrible the way He planned to kill everyone else.

 

Chapter 4:

“The day is coming when I’m going to burn the wicked, but you guys will go forth leaping with joy and happiness as you crush the wicked too.”

“Don’t forget the Law of Moses. Seriously, girls on their period are way unclean, bros…”

“And I’m going to send Elijah back to you guys before the final judgment happens. He’ll make sure you guys are ready, so I don’t curse you too.”

And that’s it. The last of the prophets.

In the time following this, the Judean monarchy would not be restored. The Greeks would come and introduce Hellenistic ideas and philosophies. There would be a period of strife between the Seleucids and the Judeans known as the Maccabean revolt that would restore the cult of Yahweh. And then the Romans would come and conquer Judea. Eventually, the Romans would support the appointment of an Edomite king known as Herod to govern the region, and there would be a period of apocalyptic fervor with many men coming forward claiming to be a Messiah there to reestablish the Jewish kingdom and monarchy under Yahweh.

And then the stories of the New Testament begin…

Fast Food Review: Taco Bell: Naked Chicken Chips


Naked Chicken sounds healthy. It’s a great marketing name.

Naked Chicken Chips, however, are not healthy.

They are greasy triangles of pounded chicken meat that is breaded, deep-fried, and dipped in nacho cheese sauce, then shoveled into your gaping maw to be chewed up and go straight to the good Lord’s work of clogging your arteries.

They taste like fried chicken and regret, as if the bird had made many questionable life choices, got into debt with some Russian chickens, lost his job crowing in the morning at the farmhouse, had his chicken girlfriend break up with him, and decided that rather than go out like some chump, he’d take the world down with him one fatty bite of food at a time so he ran off to the Taco Bell slaughterhouse.

Naked_Chicken_Chips

I have become death. The destroyer of worlds – Clucky the Chicken

If you’ve likewise made poor life choices, you can enjoy a box of food that includes six Naked Chicken Chips, a burrito supreme (there’s lettuce in it… that’s kind of a vegetable, right?), a regular taco, and a sugary caffeinated drink to wash it down with and lubricate its way directly to your colon for $5.

It’s not a bad deal except for your aforementioned colon.

The TL:DR Bible: Daniel 4-6


Chapter 4:

Hey, everyone, Nebbi here. I’m writing this to let you all know about God and how great he is.

I had a dream that bothered me again, but no one could help me by telling me what it meant, until Daniel arrived. You’d think by now I would have called him first, but no. Anyway, Danny, I said… “Danny, you’ve got the spirit of the gods in you. You can tell me what it means.”

“Anyway, I had a dream of a great tree and every bird rested in it and every beast ate of its fruit, but then a Watcher came and said to cut it down, but leave the stump and bind it, and let the man’s mind be that of a beast and let him live in a field and be watered with the dew of heaven.”

Danny was quiet for a while.

“Hey, Dude, it’s cool. I’m not going to kill you for a bad interpretation.”

“Oh, King, I wish this was bad news for your enemies. The tree is you. God’s pretty pissed that you’re so proud, and he’s going to cut you down and make you go bonkers for seven seasons until you give him credit for giving you everything. So try to be humble, okay? Maybe God will relent.”

I lasted a year, then I looked at the city of Babylon and said, “Look at this city I have built.”

And God said, “Out you go into the fields.”

So I went bonkers, ate grass, grew out my hair and nails. Then after the appointed time, I came back to myself, lifted up my eyes to heaven and gave God credit for being able to do whatever the hell he wants me to do.

So praise the Lord, I guess.

 

Chapter 5:

Nebuchadnezzar the Second is dead. He was succeeded by Evil-Merodach, who was assassinated after two years by Nergal-shar-usur (Nebbi’s son-in-law) who reigned for four years, who was then succeeded by Labashi-Marduk, who was assassinated for being an incompetent boob, who was then succeeded by Nabonius.

Now Nabonius was out with the army a lot, so he left his son Belshazzar in charge of the city. At the time of Daniel 5, the Persians and the Median Empires were at the gates of Babylon preparing to take the city. So the king decides to throw a party. And he gets the idea that they should break out the dinnerware and cups his ancestor Nebbi took from Yahweh’s temple because giving the finger to Yahweh always ends well, right?

So they have their raucous party. “Sacrilegious wine tastes the best! WOO!”  And a hand shows up and writes something on the wall. But it’s scrambled or the hand has poor penmanship, so no one knows what it means.

“Hey! Why don’t we call Daniel? He used to know stuff back in the day.”

So Danny is called.

Belshazzar: “Hey, dude, interpret this stuff, and I’ll make you the third ruler in the kingdom.”

Danny: “I’m too old for this shit, so don’t worry about it. But I’ll tell you what the writing says. You pissed off Yahweh. You’re fucked. The kingdom belongs now to the Medes and the Persians. You’d think you damn fool kids would have learned from what happened to Nebuchadnezzar.”

Belshazzar: “Uh… okay then. I guess you’re the third ruler in the kingdom now.”

Danny: (Checking his watch) “For about another two or three hours anyway.”

Belshazzar: “What was that?”

Darius and Cyrus: “SURPRISE!”

Belshazzar: “ACK!”

 

Chapter 6:

So Cyrus the Great reigns and starts sending the Jews back home, then his son Cambyses the Second, then Bardiya, then Darius. That covers the span of about 18 years. So Danny, by this time, is a very old man.

Darius runs the place now and appoints 120 officials to help him do it and appoints Danny over them. But politics being what it is, some of those officials would like to kill Danny and take his place as Darius’ right hand man in Babylon.

But they can’t find any fault in his work, so they get an idea to Fiery Furnace the guy.

Officials: Hey, Darius. You’re so great. Wouldn’t it be cool if everyone in the kingdom couldn’t ask any of their gods for anything, but instead had to come to you with their requests?

Darius: No. No, that would suck. I run a damn Empire that stretches from parts of Europe to Africa. Why would I want my day being filled with a bunch of religious people asking me to help them find a damn parking space or their lost keys?

Officials: Come oooooon. Give it a month. All the cool kings are doing it.

Darius: Fine. I guess no one can pray except to me for a month.

Officials: Or they’ll be thrown into a pit with hungry lions.

Darius: Seems excessive, but okay.

Officials: Daniel prays to Yahweh three times a day! Gotcha!

Darius: Why did I listen to you idiots? Sorry, Danny. Hope your God is as powerful as you say.

Surprise. He is.

Darius: You’re still alive!

Danny: Yeah. God, you know.

Darius: I’m so happy. But I feel bad that the lions didn’t get to eat anything. Throw those officials in along with their wives and children. That doesn’t seem harsh, does it?

Danny: I’m cool with it.

God: Me too, surprisingly, because I’m not going to stop the lions from eating the women and children.

So some women and children get mauled and eaten by lions because their dads were assholes and God is kind of a dick. They leave that part out when they tell it in Sunday School.

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 36-37


Chapter 36:

“Say to the mountains of Israel, you won’t stay desolate forever, but your cities will be rebuilt, your vines will grow and bear fruit, and my people will return, then you will never again bear insults from other nations of how you destroyed men.”

“Zeke… when Israel lived in the land, they were like a woman on her period, which is just gross, am I right? So I beat the living snot out of them and kicked them out. But now, I’m hearing the nations of the world talk crap about me saying, “Yahweh must be a pretty weak deity if we were able to destroy and kidnap his people.””

“I’m not going to take that crap, so I guess I’m going to let Israel back into the land, so that everyone will know I’m a strong god. I’ll purify my people, give them a new heart to do what I say, and pour out my Spirit upon them. They will stop sinning and I’ll bless them with abundance. But I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing it for Me.

 

Chapter 37:

Then God takes Zeke to a valley filled with skeletons.

“Zeke, do you think these bones can live again?”

“You know the answer, Lord.”

“Speak to the bones and tell them they will live again.”

So Zeke speaks to the bones and they grow back organs and muscles and flesh.

“Brains…” they said.

“Uh… keep speaking, Zeke. I’ve got a few kinks to work out.”

Later…

“Okay, zombie apocalypse averted. Zeke, those bones were like the house of Israel. They think they’re completed dead now, but go tell them that I will raise them up from their ‘death’ and cause them to come home.

“Now, take a stick and write “Judah” and it and take a stick and write “Israel” on it and join them together in your hand, and the two sticks will become one. And if anyone asks you about it-“

“Israel and Judah will be reunited. Got it. This isn’t exactly a difficult object lesson and no one needed to die to tell it.”

“Well, did you know that I’ll make David their king?”

“The guy who raped his friend’s wife and killed his friend and presided over three civil wars?”

“Yeah… but he wrote some nice songs about me.”

“If I recall, most of those songs were of the “Help me, where the hell are you, Lord?” variety.”

“Shut up. Anyway, the kingdom will be perfect.”

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 28-30


Chapter 28:

Zeke keeps going on about Tyre, this time telling off its king.

Apparently, the king of Tyre started getting too proud and started to think he was divine, so God promises to have someone kill him and take him down a notch to show him that he’s just a man.

Then God tells Zeke to sing a dirge about the king of Tyre, which includes some divine language that many Christian commentators assume is about the devil. Though why God wouldn’t just say, “Hey, Zeke, sing a song about the devil” is a valid question.

Anyway, the king of Tyre or the devil was doing great when he started off, but then by trading and acquiring wealth or getting into contact with all of the foreign devils and their gods, he sinned and then God hated him and cast him down from his throne and he becomes a pariah.

Then God decides to destroy Sidon too with war and pestilence to prove that He’s God. I guess showing up in a giant glowy cloud and saying “I’m God” would have been too difficult, so more wanton slaughter it is.

Finally, God promises to get the band back together with Israel and bless them.

 

Chapter 29:

God starts out by saying that He’s going to destroy Egypt and its Pharaoh. God promises to utterly decimate the land so that it will lie abandoned for forty years, untouched by man. Moreover, God promises to scatter the Egyptians for that forty years, then bring them back to the land where they will be a weak and pathetic kingdom that no one will rely on again.

Needless to say, Egypt has not been abandoned at any time for forty years, so Zeke got this one wrong too.

Then God says, “Hey, I know we said Nebuchadnezzar would take and destroy Tyre, but uh… he didn’t… but… uh… reasons! So as a consolation prize, I’m going to give Egypt into his hand and he will destroy it and plunder Egypt. And the Israel will know that I am the Lord.”

Historically speaking, the evidence for this isn’t there either.

In 568 BCE (a few years after this prophesy, Nebuchadnezzar does go to Egypt with the recently deposed Pharaoh Hophra. The two have a small success against Ionian mercenaries hired by the new Pharaoh Amasis, but the Egyptians rout the armies of Babylon in 566 BCE, capture the deposed Pharaoh, and no further recorded attempts are made by Nebuchadnezzar against Egypt.

According to Daniel 4, Nebuchadnezzar goes bonkers later that year and the Babylonian’s power begins to weaken and the Empire goes into more of a defensive stance against the growing power of the Medes and the Persians.

Chapter 30:

God doubles down on the Egyptian prophesy and tells Zeke to sing a dirge for the Pharaoh and Egypt. God promises again that the land will be utterly destroyed, their idols will be destroyed and cast down, and the people and any of their allies will fall by the sword.

As far as we know, none of this actually happened until 525 BCE under the Persian emperor Cambyses the Second. Even then Cambyses was only able to take the Northeast of Egypt, as his armies met a poor fate when they tried to march south into the region of Kush.

Shortly after that failed expedition, Cambyses was forced to withdraw back to Persia as a man posing as his brother Bardiya had seized his throne. Cambyses died shortly thereafter, possibly by Darius’ hand. Darius himself would later incorporate Egypt into his empire.

Guys, I’d suggest we stone Zeke, but something tells me he was already stoned while writing some of his visions.