Category Archives: Humor

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 11-14


Chapter 11:

God tells Jeremiah to go tell the cities of Judah that they’ve broken the covenant with God and God will bring disaster upon them. Some jerks in the city of Anathoth don’t like the message and threaten Jeremiah, so God tells him don’t worry about it, he’s going to kill them all within a year.

 

Chapter 12:

Jeremiah says, “Hey, God? Why are you letting evil people prosper? And evil people? No one likes you, not even your family.”

God says, “I’m really angry at them and will let another nation destroy Judah, but then I’ll be nice God again and let them come back.”

Anyone else starting to think that Jeremiah could be a much shorter book since just about every chapter has the exact same prophesy?

 

Chapter 13:

“Hey, Jerry.”

“Oh… hi, God.”

“Jerry, go down to the market and buy a new linen cummerbund, put it on and wear it for a while, but don’t wash it.”

“O-kay…”

Several days later.

“Okay, take the cummerbund and go to the river Euphrates and bury it there.”

“Euphrates? Seriously, that’s like 800 miles away. It’ll take weeks to get there, even riding a camel. Can’t we just use the Jordan river?”

“No, it’s very important that it’s the Euphrates.”

“Okay, but if I get back and you tell me to go back and dig it up again, I’m going to be pissed.”

Several months later…

“Jerry, go dig up that cummerbund.”

“DAMN IT!”

Several weeks later…

“Okay, it’s ruined.”

“Just like Judah…”

“Seriously? That’s your great object lesson that took like eight months out of my life?”

“Pretty much, yeah…”

“This job sucks.”

“Why don’t you go tell everyone I’m going to kill them again because they’re assholes?”

“Sigh… I wonder if Ba’al is hiring…”

 

Chapter 14:

“Hey, God?”

“Yeah, Jerry?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the drought down here is pretty severe. Maybe you could help us out so we don’t all die? Yeah, I know we’ve been assholes and worshipped other gods, but please have mercy on us.”

“No. And stop praying for them because I’m going to kill them all with the sword.”

“But if you kill us all with drought first, there won’t be anyone left to die by the sword. And anyway, don’t blame the people. There’s a bunch of other prophets out here saying that you won’t kill us all with the sword.”

“Heh… they don’t know me, do they?”

“I guess not…”

“Now I’m going to extra super kill those prophets by the sword! Oh, and everyone else too!”

“Okay, but about the drought? Maybe you could do something about that too?”

“Eh…I’ll think about it.”

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 6-10


Chapter 6:

Everyone get out of Jerusalem because invaders will come from the north and lay siege to it and overthrow her.

God is punishing her for her violence and destruction and wickedness.

They will take nearly everything from Judah.

I warn, but no one listens. I grow angry until I cannot bear it and will pour out my wrath upon the old and young, men and women, parent and child, rich and poor, priest and prophets who lie to the people and say there will be peace, but there is no peace. They have no shame who claim to speak for me.

I tell them to walk in a good way, but they say, “No.” So, I bring judgement on them. They try to appease me with religion, but I despise their religion.

Disaster comes from the north. Mourn for the coming dead.

 

Chapter 7:

“Jerry, go stand in the gate of the Temple and tell the people that if they turn from their evil ways, I will let them live in this land forever. Tell them not to trust the people who say the Temple of the Lord will never be overthrown. If they change, if they care for the poor, the widows, the orphans, if they practice justice, if they welcome the foreigners, and do not shed the blood of the innocent, then I will bless them and they will live here forever.”

“But if they practice injustice and evil and then come here to my house? Is this not a worse evil? They turn my house into a den of thieves. I will not deliver them. Tell them to go to Shiloh, where people used to worship me and see what I let happen there. Because they do the same evils, I will cast them out of my sight.”

“Jerry, do not pray for this people. Don’t intercede for them because I do not hear you. They worship other gods, so they will be judged.”

“I never wanted sacrifices. I wanted your fathers to obey my words. But they did not. I have sent them prophets since they were in Egypt to this day, and they do not listen to them. You will speak to them and they won’t listen. Cut off your hair and shave your head, Jerry and throw the hair away in mourning for Jerusalem.”

“They’re sacrificing their children to other gods as burnt offerings, which I did not command-“

Abraham, “Eh….”

“ONE TIME! ONE TIME, ABE! AND I STOPPED YOU. Geez, you think you’d let that go.”

 

Chapter 8:

And another chapter where God says everyone sucks and things are really going to suck for them.

 

Chapter 9:

God’s sad because Judah has become a bunch of lying assholes and so he’s got to do something about it and punish them and punish everyone around them too for reasons, so everyone should mourn, except the man who practices love, justice, and righteousness.

 

Chapter 10:

Hey, everyone, it’s pretty stupid to worship a god of gold and silver that you made with your own hands, but it’s perfectly rational to worship an invisible God instead. Because… reasons…

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 64-66


Chapter 64:

Hi, God, are you there, it’s us, Israel…

It would be supercool of you to come down and show our enemies that you’re real and you reward those who do good.

Sure, we sinned for a while there. We adopted a pantheon. We had fertility orgies, which… would you maybe reconsider your ban on those because they were pretty cool… no? Okay. Yeah, we’re sinners and the best things we can offer you from our deeds are pretty nasty. We’re just saying, we know we have no hold on you. But you are our Father and look, just do whatever you want with us, but save our lives and we’d really appreciate it if you made them less crappy. And if you’re still angry at us, I mean, remember all the things they did to that Temple we build for you? Those bastards tore it down? Are you gonna take that? Are you?

 

Chapter 65:

Hey, guys, God here.

I’ve pretty much been here the whole time. I’ve been practically shouting at you guys, “Look over here!” But you guys keep killing animals for other gods. I want all of your dead animals, okay? You guys ignored my dietary restrictions and ate bacon.

Israel: Have you tried bacon? It’s pretty good.

God: No, it’s not awesome.

Jesus: Dad, it is pretty good.

God: Look, if you want to let your disciples eat bacon, be my guest, but for my people? No bacon. Also, you jerks think you’re better than everyone else and all of this is just really pissing me off, okay? So I repaid you guys for your evils. But I’m mainly cheesed off about the giving other gods dead animals.

But, like I’ve said before, I’m going to get over it and bring you guys back to a great land full of food, water, and wealth. But not for the jerks who keep giving dead animals to other gods. My people will eat and they will hunger. My people will drink, but those jerks will be thirsty. And it’s really going to suck for them… one day, even though it pretty much seems like the good and the evil both do about the same and evil men have lots of money and power, they’re going to regret it eventually…

Because I’m going to make a new heaven and a new Earth! And it won’t be for them. And there won’t be any aging. You’ll be considered young if you die at 100.  Everyone’s going to have a house and farm lands and no stupid Assyrian or Babylonian or Persian raiders to take your stuff.

And then we’ll all get along with each other and even predator animals will hang out with prey animals and I will call it Zootopia!

Disney Lawyers: No. No, you will not. That name is trademarked.

God: Sigh… fine. I’ve got to stop sending all of the lawyers to Hell.

 

Chapter 66:

God: I’m God. Why do I need a Temple? Huh? Gabriel? GABRIEL?

Gabriel: Yes, oh, Lord.

God: Why do I need a Temple?

Gabriel: You don’t really.

God: So why’d I tell Solomon to build me one? Oh well, I guess maybe so the good people down there can hang out with me.

Anyway, if you’re religious and you’re not doing what is right like taking care of the poor, the sick, all those people, your religion sickens me. So I punished you guys. But then everything is going to be supergood one day. I’ll punish the wicked and bless the good.

Gabriel: Why do you keep saying that? It’s almost like you’re a Jewish man living in oppression and exile and you’re really hoping a God exists so you can have faith that it won’t always suck for you forever.

God: Huh… yeah, I guess it does. Did I already mention the new heaven and new Earth?

Gabriel: Yeah. Last chapter.

God: Did I mention I’ll incinerate the wicked and turn them into wormfood?

Gabriel: Not in so many terms, but essentially, yes.

God: Then I guess I’m done. Good. Now I’ve got to go talk to that Jeremiah kid. Ugh. It’s going to be super awkward. Dude cries at the drop of a hat. Literally. He dropped his hat and spend like 30 minutes yesterday sobbing like a baby about it.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 60-63


Chapter 60:

“Hey, Israel, get up. It’s morning time in Jerusalem again. Everyone else’s lives suck, but you guys are having a golden age. Everyone is coming to bask in your greatness. And you guys are going to get super rich again as camels cover the land.”

“Who’s going to clean up after those camels?” the janitor said.

“Uh,” God said, “It’s not important. They’ll be bringing gold and-“

“Well, it’s important to me. I don’t want to be shoveling camel shit off the roads all day long.”

“Okay, they will be poopless camels, okay? Happy now? Point is, you’re all going to be rich. Rams will willingly leap on my altar-“

“Baaaaa,” the sheep said, which roughly translated meant, “Like hell, I will.”

“It’s just an expression, okay, stop getting hung up on them. The point is, you’re all going to be rich because I’m happy with you then. Not now. Now your life sucks because I don’t like you all that much, but then! Then it will be different. I promise, we’re going to build your walls and Persia will pay for them. And seriously, everyone is going to love the Jews from now on!”

“Ehhhhhh,” Hitler said.

“Oh, yeah… that guy,” God said. “But seriously, everything’s great. And it’s all going to happen really soon. Soon may mean up to 5,000 years later.”

“What was that last part?”

“Nothing. I’m just God. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate, but I will totally get to everyone loves the Jews and you’re all filthy rich really soon, okay?”

 

Chapter 61:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me. The Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the oppressed, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom. To tell of the favorable year of the Lord and his vengeance upon the jerks of the world. Take comfort, turn that frown upside down. You’re all going to be called Oaks of Righteousness. You’re going to rebuild everything and everything is going to be great. You’re all going to be priests of the Lord and foreigners will serve you.

 

Chapter 62:

“Seriously, guys, it’s going to be great really soon and nothing but smooth sailing for the Jews.”

“Ehhhh,” said Hitler.

“Geez. Why did I invite that guy?” said the Lord.

 

Chapter 63:

Isaiah: I see a guy coming over from Edom. Who are you?

God: God.

Isaiah: Why are your clothes all red?

God: Because I’ve killed like a LOT of people. Just like A LOT. Seriously. Did you know people make a popping sound when you step on them? I mean, I tried to get other people to help, but no one was up for an apocalyptic bloodbath and stepping on men, women, and children.

Isaiah: Wow… uh, change of subject. Isn’t God super loving?

Jewish peasant: Did you not just hear that bit about stomping people to death?

Isaiah: Just think of how good he’s been to us! Even though we sinned against him. Hey, God. Why don’t you come back now?”

Jewish woman: Please don’t! He was dripping blood all over my daisies.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 51-53


Chapter 51:

God: Hey, everyone who isn’t a jerk, but pursues righteousness and justice. Think back to Abraham and how I took him from one man to tens of millions today. I’m going to bless Judah the same way and make even the deserts like a lush garden.

Pay attention! I’m going to establish justice, righteousness, and salvation. Everything else will die, but my salvation will be forever. Don’t be afraid of men, continue in my justice which is forever.

“Isaiah”: Wake up, Lord! Help us out. Didn’t you defeat the chaos dragon god and cut up Rahab into pieces? Didn’t you part the Red Sea?

God: I am the one who comforts. Don’t be afraid of mortal men. I’m bigger than he is. The exiles will go home.

Wake up, Jerusalem. You’ve drunk the dregs of my anger and are laid waste. Listen. Never again will I pour out my anger on you… except in 70 AD with the Romans… But I’ll give the cup of my anger to your enemies now, because karma is a bitch.

 

Chapter 52:

God: Awake, Jerusalem. Get all dolled up. No longer will the Gentiles enter your gates.

Caesar Titus: Uh… about that….

God: Quiet. Anyway, I threw you into bondage for nothing and will redeem you for nothing. I’ve been watching you guys suffer everywhere and notice that all of the heathen keep making fun of Me, so I’m going to act now.

It’s sure going to be great one day when messengers arrive proclaiming the end of war. When God reigns and we can all celebrate and party. Everyone has seen now how big God’s arm cannons are. Dude can curl like 20,000,000 lbs.

God: OH YEA! (Tears his shirt off)

Everyone get out of Gentile-ville and don’t touch anything with their Gentile cooties on it. You’re not going to run, God will lead you out and cover your six.

God: I’M THAT BIG. ARGGGGG!!!  (flexes)

Jesus: Hey, Dad… we’re going to talk about me now, right?

God: FINE. LOOK AT THIS KID. DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?

Jesus: No… you’re supposed to write about how I suffer for the sake of everyone now.

Jews: Are you sure that’s not a passage about us and your gospel writers were just retrofitting the story of Jesus to match up?

Jesus: Do you want to be a part of my future, possibly mythological, earthly kingdom or do you want to be killed with my sword mouth?

Jews: We’ll just be over here then. I hope this minor disagreement doesn’t lead to centuries of us being murdered by your followers.

Jesus: Hahaha… yeah… you keep hoping there, Sluggers.

 

Chapter 53:

God: Alright… my kid is super awesome. He doesn’t look like much… seriously, Jesus… hit the gym, would you? Would it kill you to do some power squats? Look at my glutes, Dude. Anyway, he’s not going to look like much, he’ll be betrayed, beaten, tortured, totally familiar with every one of your human sorrows and miseries. He’ll understand it all. And he has a really bad Friday involving nails going through his limbs and hanging him up on a tree. I’m totally going to beat the crap out of him because you guys lie and steal and jerk off too much.

They’re probably going to throw him into a peasant grave, but he’ll get buried in a cave instead.

Seriously, it makes me happy to torture the kid and have him killed. I’ve moved up from animals to humans now.

But all of you can come to heaven now… I guess… no uggos or wimps, though. Gotta be swoll.

Jesus: Daaaaad.

God: OKAY… FINE. UGGOS AND WIMPS CAN COME IN TOO.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 45-47


Chapter 45:

God says to Cyrus, his chosen one, “Hey, Cyrus, this is God. I am totally writing this hundreds of years ago and not in the time after you’ve come to power, but before you die in Syr Darya in Uzbekistan. I’m totally giving you all the power you need to conquer nations and subdue them even though you don’t know me, because I’m God and I bring about good and evil. Yep. Me. Problem of evil… right in your faces. But don’t question me about it.

“So anyway, you’re going to help Israel go back to the land and rebuild Judah.

“And I’m going to give you Egypt and North Africa… which, okay you die before you conquer them, but I mean, I’ll give them to your son. Yeah, son. And everyone will say how awesome you and I are.

“I’m the only one who can save, not your dumb idols and everyone who doesn’t love me will be put to shame.”

 

Chapter 46:

The gods of Babylon are fallen. They couldn’t save the city.

“Everyone in Israel, I will be with you and carry you guys through. Unlike those stupid idols you keep making. They can’t help you, but I can. I can predict the future. Totally nailed that Cyrus the Great thing… more or less. And I’m totally going to deliver you guys any down now.”

 

Chapter 47:

“Hey, Babylon, God here. Ladies, I’ve seen you doing your magic and sorcery thinking you’re really powerful and stuff, but you’re not. You’re going to lose everything. Babylon will fall and your husbands and sons will die and you’ll be sitting in the dust naked. I gave up Judah to you, but you were mean to them, so you deserve all of this. But go ahead and try your magic spells, maybe they’ll save you.

No, they totally won’t because magic isn’t real.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 36-39


Chapter 36:

We get a repeat of the Assyrian siege of Jerusalem. For a perfect book, the bible does like to repeat itself. Maybe Isaiah was trying to pad the word count. “Sigh… ugh… God wants 50,000 words by Friday…” “Just quote long passages from 2 Kings, it’ll be fine.”

So the Assyrians show up at Jerusalem again. Their general Rabshakeh talks trash about Hezekiah and God again.

 

Chapter 37:

Hezekiah tears his clothes again and asks God for help again. Isaiah says, “Don’t worry about it. They’re going to hear rumors of war back home and leave.” And the Assyrians do. But not before Rabshakeh says, “This is only temporary. I’ll be back. And no one can help you, not even your Goooooooooooooood MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

They come back and trash talk Yahweh some more, and then Hezekiah goes and prays to Yahweh who assures them that He’ll handle it, so God sends out an angel and the angel kills 185,000 soldiers in one night.

King of Assyria: Um… okay… I guess I was wrong. I’ll be seeing you guys.

So he goes home and gets assassinated as kings do when they lose 185,000 soldiers.

 

Chapter 38:

More of 2nd Kings. Because the first two times wasn’t enough, damn it.

Hezekiah: I’m very sick.

Isaiah: You’re going to die.

Hezekiah: NO! PLEASE! I’LL DO ANYTHING!

God: Ha. Nevermind. I was just screwing with ya, dude.

Hezekiah: Praise the Lord! But with more words!

 

Chapter 39:

Yet again… more of 2nd Kings.

Babylonians: Hey, dude. Glad you’re feeling better. We are totally not spies.

Hezekiah: In that case, let me show you my treasury and all the extremely valuable shit I have.

Isaiah: They’re spies, idiot. The Babylonians will come and take all your valuable shit one day and take hostages from your descendants.

Hezekiah: That’s their problem, I guess.