Category Archives: News

Will it Jew?

Sometimes when I read the news, I like to play a little game that I call “Will it Jew?”

“Will it Jew?” is a very easy game. You just take a quote from someone or from a story about someone who wants to discriminate against one group of people and replace their group’s name with “Jew”.

For instance, this:

Two conservative Christian groups in Texas believe that businesses and employers have the legal right to discriminate against LGBTQ workers on religious grounds, and they’re trying to get the courts to back them up.

Becomes this:

Two conservative Christian groups in Texas believe that businesses and employers have the legal right to discriminate against Jewish workers on religious grounds, and they’re trying to get the courts to back them up.

Or this:

The US Pastors Council and Texas Values, two nonprofit evangelical groups, filed multiple lawsuits in state and federal court this week, claiming that Christian businesses and churches have a constitutional right to fire — or not hire — LGBTQ workers.

Becomes this:

The US Pastors Council and Texas Values, two nonprofit evangelical groups, filed multiple lawsuits in state and federal court this week, claiming that Christian businesses and churches have a constitutional right to fire — or not hire — Jewish workers

Or this:

“Texas Values will not hire or retain practicing homosexuals or transgendered people as employees, because their lifestyles are contrary to the biblical, Judeo–Christian understandings…”.

Turns into this:

“Texas Values will not hire or retain practicing Jews or Jewish people as employees, because their lifestyles are contrary to the biblical… understandings…”

The point of “Will it Jew?” being, of course, that if you can replace the group you’re talking about with the word Jew and it sounds like something Hitler would say… maybe it’s time to rethink your position.

Feel free to play along on your own. I hope you find it enlightening.

One Nation Under God – 2

They sell the innocent for silver,
and the needy for a pair of sandals.

They trample on the heads of the poor
as on the dust of the ground
and deny justice to the oppressed.

“Now then, I will crush you
as a cart crushes when loaded with grain.

The swift will not escape,
the strong will not muster their strength,
and the warrior will not save his life.

I will tear down the winter house
along with the summer house;
the houses adorned with ivory will be destroyed
and the mansions will be demolished,”
declares the Lord.

There are those who hate the one who upholds justice in court
and detest the one who tells the truth.

You levy a straw tax on the poor
and impose a tax on their grain.
Therefore, though you have built stone mansions,
you will not live in them;
though you have planted lush vineyards,
you will not drink their wine.
For I know how many are your offenses
and how great your sins.

There are those who oppress the innocent and take bribes
and deprive the poor of justice in the courts.

Seek good, not evil,
that you may live.
Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you,
just as you say he is.
Hate evil, love good;
maintain justice in the courts.

“I hate, I despise your religious festivals;
your assemblies are a stench to me.
Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them.
Though you bring choice fellowship offerings,
I will have no regard for them.
Away with the noise of your songs!
I will not listen to the music of your harps.
But let justice roll on like a river,
righteousness like a never-failing stream!

Twinkle, Twinkle…

Take a look at this.

Take a long look at this.

I wrote something today about the monsters out there just waiting to explode.

Look at what we’ve made our country into.

It’s a place where little children have to live in fear of a murderer with a gun.

It’s a place where we have to teach children that we’re not going to do anything to stop the murderers, so they should learn a horrific song about what to do when the monsters come.

That’s what you’ve made America.

I hope you’re really fucking proud of yourself, right now.

And if you’re a Christian, maybe instead of shouting about your rights and your freedoms, you should think once again about what the cross means. About self-sacrifice. About laying down your rights to help others.

And think about what Jesus would do.


And so we lob more missiles at another country. By “we”, of course, I mean the President. We weren’t asked our opinion on the matter. Neither were our representatives, you know, the people who are actually supposed to be the ones who declare war.

Oh, I know, it’s not ‘war’, it’s a ‘limited action’.

And I know it’s not just this President who feels that he can unilaterally bomb the shit out of foreign countries for any reason. It sucked when the last five presidents did it. It sucks now.

Now I’m not an Assad or Putin lover or defender. Assad is a war criminal and he deserves the business end of a noose.

But maybe we should have a national discussion about whether or not we should be the ones bringing him to that noose. If it’s in our best interest. If there’s a better way to do it. If there’s a better solution for the innocent people of Syria. Like maybe letting more than 11 of them come to America as refugees.

And that’s the point, really. Our Congress should be the one making these decisions. And I know Paul Ryan claims that the 2001 AUMF allowed Bush Jr., Obama, and Trump to do whatever the fuck they wanted, but that argument doesn’t pass the bullshit test.

I don’t know…

I think the American people are so apathetic about what is being done in their name because we’re 150 years removed from the horrors of war being visited upon our own soil, we’re 70 years removed from the privations of war, and we’re 50 years removed from large numbers of flag draped coffins filled with dead conscripts coming home.

War is something that happens over there now. We all sit, fat, happy, and secure that it will never be our neighborhoods that will be shelled, our children who will never be blown to bits, and our blood that will never be spilled.

War is a news story. Nothing more. The innocent dead are easily forgotten by the time Wheel of Fortune comes on.

Air America

I’m on a plane.

Looking out the window, a gremlin is busy tearing up shit on the wing.

I look across the aisle to the other window. Birds have flown into the engine and it’s on fire.

Behind me, a flight attendant is holding off a pack of hungry zombies with the drink cart and bags of peanuts.

The intercom comes on. Finally, the pilot will tell us what to do.

“This is Captain Trump, everything is fine. This is the best flight that ever was. Also, there’s a Korean airliner in our way, but I’m not moving. He has to move out of our way. Out of my way.”

No one else seems to pay attention. They’re all busy watching the in-flight movie: “Dumb and Dumber.”

I put my head between my knees and scream.

God answers Mr. Moore

“Hi, Roy, God here. Yes. The Almighty God, creator of heaven and Earth and all that other stuff. You lost. You lost because you’re mean small man. You lost because everything you stand for is an affront to me. You see, you’re obsessed with other people’s morality and you lack your own morals. I think my Son said something about that in his Sermon on the Mount. You should probably read that.

“More than that though, you are more obsessed with what people do with their sex parts than you are with the fact that millions of poor children are about to lose their access to healthcare, that millions of young men and women have had their lives ruined because you treat addiction like a crime instead of a chronic disease that requires medical and psychological intervention.

“You worry about prayer in schools, but you don’t worry about the hungry child praying to me silently for food. You call him a freeloader. You don’t worry about the child praying that please, could they stop picking on him for one day, just one day? You tell him to toughen up. You don’t worry about the child who prays because his parents, his preacher, and you call him an abomination because he’s attracted to other boys or other girls.

“You worry about zygotes and fetuses, but you don’t worry about providing poor mothers with options or healthcare for their developing infants, you don’t worry about providing a safe space they can leave their babies and children if they have to go work, and you don’t worry about the millions of people living in hopelessness and poverty who are left behind by the very agenda you push. And you definitely don’t worry about the young unarmed black man lying in the street shot by a police officer. You call him a thug. Or the men and women who will die this year because someone will take their lives with a gun.

“Well, I hear them, Roy. I hear all of them every day. And we can argue about why I haven’t fixed it all, or you can start hearing them too and become part of the solution.

“Others hear them already and they are acting. They are tired of the injustice, they are tired of the oppression, they are tired the hatred, they are tired of the violence, and they are moving and my Spirit moves with them.

“So go home and rethink these words, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice” and “you’re straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel.” Then join those people fighting for what matters. Maybe start by apologizing to the women you hurt. What is right is not always easy, but it will be good for your soul.

“Sincerely, God”


Being white…


I think they miss the point. It’s not “okay” to be white. It’s f***ing great.

Seriously, it is.

I’m a white, straight, CIS, nominally Christian male and holy crap, did I hit the jackpot being born in America.

The police don’t bother me. They don’t pull me over because of my skin color. They don’t stop and frisk me because I “look like a criminal.” They don’t shoot at me or my kids. They even call me “Sir” and don’t assume I’m a criminal when they look at me.

Everyone in power cares about what I have to say, since I’m also in that age demographic of 35-45.

I see positive representations of me everywhere in the media. If there’s a hero in a movie, he probably looks like I would look if I had six months of a personal trainer and dietician.

Hell, even in books, the white male hero can be nebbish and bookish and still kick ass. Thanks, Dan Brown and Tom Hanks.

I get more call backs for job interviews. I get more credit offers. Heck, even after a bankruptcy, they kept coming with 0% financing, would you also like a car loan, Sir? Can I get you a house too?

And I can live just about anywhere without racist shitheads harassing me or attacking and killing my son for walking in the neighborhood carrying Skittles and iced tea.

Nobody would object to me dating their daughter simply because of my skin tone.

When people look at me, they don’t cross the street if I’m walking towards them. They make positive judgments about me.

I’m not harassed at work or on the street. I’m not grabbed at by horny assholes. No one has ever called me into a meeting and exposed their genitals to me.

No one has ever passed a law specifically for me telling me where to pee.

And that is all fucking great.

For all the other problems in my life, those things are great.

The problem is that none of this would be true if I were born to a black couple.

Or a Latino couple.

Or if I were born gay.

Or if I were born trans.

Or if I were a Muslim

Or a Jew.

Or even a woman.

And that is the point.

So maybe instead of making life all about ME ME ME ME ME… we should start to put ourselves into the shoes of other people. People with different lives, different experiences. People who have experienced things I have not. And perhaps we should have compassion.

And more than compassion, perhaps we should get angry at the injustice that not everyone has what I’ve been given simply by an accident of birth. Perhaps we should stand with them and work for and educate others to pursue justice and basic human dignity and equality for all.

Free Speech

For the record, the 1st amendment, within limits of public safety, prohibits the government from punishing you because you say something the powers in charge do not like.

The 1st amendment does NOT prohibit your fellow citizens from standing up and shouting back at you that you’re a racist shithead Nazi traitor. Nor does it prevent your employer from deciding they don’t want a racist shithead Nazi traitor representing their company. Nor does it protect you from being called a racist shithead Nazi traitor on the Internet when you say or act like a racist shithead Nazi traitor.

Nor does it prevent this blogger from saying that your racist shithead Nazi ‘Free Speech’ rallies are like a toddler shitting his pants and wiping it on the wall and being surprised when people who don’t shit their pants or show it in public are mad at him.

Here endeth the lesson.

A modest healthcare proposal…

Someone has leaked some of the negotiations between Congress and the White House on reforming healthcare:

“Okay, let’s start this meeting. We need a strategy on reforming health care. Bitch?”

“It’s Mitch, Mr. President.”

“Not from where I’m sitting. Bitch? What’s the strategy for getting this through the Senate.”

“Well, many of our colleagues our convinced that forcing 22 million people off of health insurance would be bad for their electoral chances, but several of them are convinced that we’re not forcing enough people off of health care. Right now we’re trying to figure out how to be more cruel… but in a nice way. Senator Cruz suggested a compromise where some poor people can have health insurance, but only if they eat a live puppy.”

“Puppies are good. People love puppies. I like it. We’ll get good ratings. I, of course, prefer pussy. But I get it. Paula?”

“Paul, Mr. President.”

“Are you into this whole puppy eating thing?”

“The House Freedom caucus objects to the government giving free food to anyone, even if it is a rather cute puppy that they must horribly butcher and eat raw. They suggest that people have to go and buy a puppy on their own to eat.”

“But what if they can’t afford their own puppy?”

“The Freedom caucus suggested as an alternative that they could eat one of their children. That’ll not only feed them, but also free up some of their income so they can pay higher insurance premiums.”

“I like it. Always a parent’s prerogative to eat the weaker of their spawn. Tried to do that with Tiffany, but she was just so fast and nimble. Could never get the drop on her. Just like her old man. Let’s go with that then.”

Why there was a Civil War in America – A primer for the President

Dear Mr. President, I hope you find this primer useful in answering your question of why there was a Civil War in the United States.

You see, once upon a time, some people decided that work would be a lot easier and cheaper if they didn’t have to do it themselves or hire others to do it for them, so they came up with the idea of buying human beings and forcing them to work for free in their fields. Naturally, people objected to being forced to work for free, so they beat some of them and killed others to set an example and “worker” complaints stopped.

They also decided that it would be pretty awesome to rape some of the women they bought. So they did.

And just to add the white supremacy cherry to being an insufferable asshole sundae, they also broke families apart and sold husbands, wives, and children to other insufferable assholes.

One day, some people said, “This is not cool and not Christian at all.”

The insufferable assholes said, “Totes cool, and look at these bible verses.”

The cool people said, “You’re kind of missing the point. We’re going to try to change the laws to stop this monstrosity.”

The insufferable assholes said, “We’re going to change the law to support it. And if you win control of the Presidency with this Lincoln character, we’re going to take up our ball and go home.”

The country elected Lincoln, and he was like, “Hey, guys, I’m cool.”

And the insufferable assholes of South Carolina said, “Fuck you, Abe” and shot at an American fort. Then they go together and drafted a letter of secession which said, “We love owning black people and you can’t make us stop, so fuck you, America.”

And then other states drafted letters of secession that said the same thing.

And the rest of America looked at their crazy ass backwater shitstain relatives and said, “You can’t leave the Union and you can’t own people and you shot up our fort. Of course you know, this means war.”

So we had a war and Robert E. Lee betrayed his country to go fight for the right to own people and was responsible for the deaths of more Americans than Al Qaeda could ever dream of killing.

But the cool people won the war, and slavery was outlawed. But the cool people weren’t exactly committed to the idea of letting black people be full citizens either, so rather than root out all of the insufferable assholes who killed good Americans, the ‘cool’ people just sort of forgot about everything and let the insufferable assholes continue to run the South and call slavery ‘share-cropping’ and ‘Jim Crow’. There was money to be made after all, and a few more Native American tribes to genocide.

And we all lived happily ever after… except for the native Americans and black people… and Chinese immigrants who built the railroads for us… the Irish for a while there, but they’re cool now… well, okay, the white folks lived happily ever after and that’s what really matters, right?  (Just to be clear, Mr. President, this last paragraph was what we call sar-casm… have Ivanka look it up on Google for you, Sir.)